Am I sexually damaged mentally?

Okay, so, I'm 15, but I feel that i'm definitely not like anyone else my age. When I was 5-7 my mother let me watch this N-17 movie called Showgirls. I loved it and watched it sometimes twice a day after preschool and kindergarten. I started masturbating when I was 7 as well, yes, because of the movie. I knew what they were doing at that age because my mother told me everything about it. My father had no idea, he still doesn't today.

Also when I was 7 I was with a boy my age, at his apartment for a play date and it resulted in me laying on the bed while he, naked, humped me. I remember this quite vividly and thought it mostly just awkward. I remembered thinking when I was 8, "How am I going to make it to 15-16 a virgin? I'm horny now!" Anyway, we ended up moving away from that bad area, into a much nicer one with more "proper" families and kids. This is where I am today.

I'm still a virgin and plan on being so until I'm 18. However...I've got some problems. I love to masturbate, just last year I learned to masturbate vaginally and with a dildo, I LOVE IT! Anyway, I masturbate every night, both clitoral and vaginal, and...at night, I like to masturbate infront of my windows. We live in an apartment complex and at night, I pull up the blinds, turn on the light, get naked, and masturbate. I'm always afraid that a car will go by and see me, or that someone will see me from their window, or walk by my window; but I love it! I love that men can see me satisfy myself.

Also, I watch porn. I've watched it actively and very often since I was 12. I've also watched videos on how to give lap dances, how to pole dance, and how to give great blowjobs. I practice giving blowjobs to my jelly dildo and just recently learned to deep throat. I've read so much on sex, that I feel there's nothing more I could know. Except well, the actual experience! :)

I have messed up fantasies. I love the idea of rape. One time late at night, I put on a short dress and boots, no undies, and went outside. I found a shadowed area, sat down on the grass, and masturbated. I've also been into the whole father/daughter sex thing, I love reading erotic stories with the daughter being all "Yes Daddy, **** me harder", I used to just like the idea, and I would imagine other boys as being the "daddy", but one time my actual dad came into my mind while masturbating, and I had a great orgasm. I would never want to have sex with my dad in real life, he's stinky, smelly, and gross! But yet when I masturbate it turns me on.

Many times I wonder if I would be a good porn star. It's not a good life, but I fear that when I'm older I won't be able to resist the urge to get ****** on camera for money. I love being naked and watched, and the money isn't bad I must admit. I'm almost sure that I'll at least be a stripper at some point.

For college I want to go to West Point, Military Academy. I always have because my dad went to the Air Force Academy. Its a very prestigious school and hard to get into, my dad realizes this and hammers me down on grades, sports, and clubs. I'm very involved in school, and I feel I have good potential, yet I feel my mind is sexually trashed?

I'm sorry this was so long. Can anyone help me? Thanks

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  • 7 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    I don't even want to answer this, there's too much to comment on.

    Basically, you should go see a psychiatrist. You have a very strong libido, and while that's not necessarily a bad thing, the fact that you are endangering yourself in order to satisfy it (I never thought I'd say this about any girl, but you were basically asking to get raped) is bad.

    It's normal to be turned on by "wrong" things, there's a reason why "naughty" is such a common word in the bedroom. It seems as if you're seeking submission; you like the humiliation of men watching you pleasure yourself for the simple fact that its degrading. You like the idea of rape because it's the ultimate act of dominance and submission. You like the idea of incest because the father, who's supposed to be your protector, is instead using his position to make you his bltch. You want to be dominated in the bedroom. This probably stems from the way that the women were treated in showgirls (one was raped and the other underwent humiliation in order to become a showgirl--you know, the scene where the one guy tells the chick to put ice on her nipples?) so maybe that's where you learned it--after all, it was your first experience with sex.

    It's not strange that your so inclined towards this weird stuff, it's all you've ever known for sex... most girls are introduced to sex by having "vanilla" sex with a loving partner. You're not alone in your strange fantasies, though, have you ever read 50 shades of grey? That book is all about erotic sex, and it became a best seller!

    Still though, I think you should see a psychiatrist and try to curb your lust. It's one thing to be freaky in the bedroom, and it's another to make that your life. Most people turn to eroticism as a sort of release through the stresses of every day life--its a time to turn primal-- and the fact that you need it constantly suggests some kind of addiction. If you're a smart girl, it would be a real shame for you to throw it all away to be a pornstar.

    Also, I hate to disappoint, but strippers and pornstars get desensitized to the sexual thrill of what they're doing after a little while. Unless if you want to lose something that you love, I would advise you not to become either one of those. I'd hate to see what lengths you'd have to go to in order to get turned on if you ever outgrew THIS.

    Hope this helps!

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  • 4 years ago

    2

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  • 7 years ago

    Im 16 and Everything you just said is exactly the same as me, when I was like 11.. I even lived in an apartment complex and masturbated in front if the window alot. I don't think you're damaged and I think that it'll probably chance as you get older.. It did for me at least. You're fine, and everyone has their own fantasys and Theres no such thing as a right or wrong one.

    Source(s): Life experiences
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  • 7 years ago

    First - you should get counseling, but not because something is "wrong" with you. A strong libido is not a bad thing, but your acting out (the shadow-rape scenario, masturbating in front of a window) will cause problems at home, and with your future.

    This desire for submission and degradation - they can be explored in healthy relationships as well as in unhealthy ones. There are plenty of women who are exhibitionists, plenty of women who act impulsively, and some women go through the whole father/daughter sex thing. For most, these are phases, not lifestyle choices.

    I don't know how to answer your question other than to urge you to seek counseling to control your urges and explore your needs in a safe and healthy healthcare environment. Without working through some of this, you won't make it through West Point. While sex goes on in college, inappropriate behavior between cadets (sex) and the inappropriate behavior of a cadet (exhibitionism) will result in discipline....expulsion if the evidence is there!

    You didn't have much of a chance to explore non-sex childhood, you have framed most of your experience for the past 8 years in terms of adult woman behaviors seen in the movie. If you find a man who's libido matches yours, you will either need to be a balanced and whole human being who can work your relationship with him, or you will need to submit to his power and domination of your every move. While the military provides that power and domination for subordinates, good leaders have to know how to command as well as take commands. Therapy is not a bad thing, if you truly seek college at West Point, start on your psychological balance NOW!

    Good luck. And don't call yourself damaged mentally - it is emotional, not mental, and can be modified as have your behaviors! You have completed most sexual exploration well before other girls your age - deep throating (sword swallowing) is not easy or preferred learning for girls prior to sexual experiences & relationship experiences. Put the same effort into therapy and you will be a phenomenal candidate for West Point or any other college.

    Source(s): Physician, father.
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  • Anonymous
    7 years ago

    I don't know how else to put this, SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU! If all you say is true then you really need to get some mental help. You do all that and you are 15...you are going to grow up to be a stripper/porn star, or at the very least you are asking to get raped.

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  • !
    Lv 5
    7 years ago

    Yeah stop giving free shows to passerby's. If a cop sees you will most likely go to jail, slapped with an offense as a child molester even though you're the child, and you will go to foster care. In the military it is looked down upon if you commit adultery. You can even get fired if you get a job there and that happens.

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  • 6 years ago

    no there is nothing wrong with you! Please meail me and lets chat...

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  • 7 years ago

    You need to talk to a counselor or therapist to get your life straightened out.

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  • 7 years ago

    i need a cold shower

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