Am I sexually damaged mentally?
Also when I was 7 I was with a boy my age, at his apartment for a play date and it resulted in me laying on the bed while he, naked, humped me. I remember this quite vividly and thought it mostly just awkward. I remembered thinking when I was 8, "How am I going to make it to 15-16 a virgin? I'm horny now!" Anyway, we ended up moving away from that bad area, into a much nicer one with more "proper" families and kids. This is where I am today.
I'm still a virgin and plan on being so until I'm 18. However...I've got some problems. I love to masturbate, just last year I learned to masturbate vaginally and with a dildo, I LOVE IT! Anyway, I masturbate every night, both clitoral and vaginal, and...at night, I like to masturbate infront of my windows. We live in an apartment complex and at night, I pull up the blinds, turn on the light, get naked, and masturbate. I'm always afraid that a car will go by and see me, or that someone will see me from their window, or walk by my window; but I love it! I love that men can see me satisfy myself.
Also, I watch porn. I've watched it actively and very often since I was 12. I've also watched videos on how to give lap dances, how to pole dance, and how to give great blowjobs. I practice giving blowjobs to my jelly dildo and just recently learned to deep throat. I've read so much on sex, that I feel there's nothing more I could know. Except well, the actual experience! :)
I have messed up fantasies. I love the idea of rape. One time late at night, I put on a short dress and boots, no undies, and went outside. I found a shadowed area, sat down on the grass, and masturbated. I've also been into the whole father/daughter sex thing, I love reading erotic stories with the daughter being all "Yes Daddy, **** me harder", I used to just like the idea, and I would imagine other boys as being the "daddy", but one time my actual dad came into my mind while masturbating, and I had a great orgasm. I would never want to have sex with my dad in real life, he's stinky, smelly, and gross! But yet when I masturbate it turns me on.
Many times I wonder if I would be a good porn star. It's not a good life, but I fear that when I'm older I won't be able to resist the urge to get ****** on camera for money. I love being naked and watched, and the money isn't bad I must admit. I'm almost sure that I'll at least be a stripper at some point.
For college I want to go to West Point, Military Academy. I always have because my dad went to the Air Force Academy. Its a very prestigious school and hard to get into, my dad realizes this and hammers me down on grades, sports, and clubs. I'm very involved in school, and I feel I have good potential, yet I feel my mind is sexually trashed?
I'm sorry this was so long. Can anyone help me? Thanks