How can we back out of this adoption? I feel kind of guilty...?

My DH and I are going through the adoption process again and we came into a little problem. We met the BM (Paige) though our minister, she's only 17 and seemed excited about us adopting the baby. She supposedly became pregnant after being assaulted by her step-dad. Well, yesterday she gave birth, we were in the room with her and low and behold the baby was black! Her Scandinavian step-father is certainly not the daddy. Her mother is so upset, she stormed out. We do still feel bad for Paige, she has no other family for support but we certainly understand why her mother would be angry. But while we feel sympathy we are at an impasse. We aren't prejudice at all, in fact some of our friends are black but my DH, DS and I all have blonde hair, fair skin and blue eyes. We were expecting this child to be the same, just like her parents. If we were to adopt this child everyone would know she was adopted or else think I cheated on my husband! Also the child would one day realize she didn't look like the rest of the family and may come to the conclusion they were adopted. This dear child just doesn't fit in with our plans or our family. DH and I decided it's best not to continue with the adoption, but feel like we're letting Paige down. She has no other family to support her other than the mother, we feel sympathy but at the same time we feel she should have been honest with us from the beginning. Should we offer to help her find another adoptive family for the baby?

Update:

Dena K-aren't you clever. However my name is a spin off the Fleetwood Mac song, Rhiannon. My parents were big fans however my older sister was named Shannon and they thought having daughters with rhyming names would be too cutesy. They combined it with my grandmother's name (Anna) and that's what they got. And "angelbaby" is for a miscarried child. And I'm sorry I didn't get the memo on there being an age limit for "LOL". Nice try playing internet detective though dear.

Update 2:

Good Lord you people can't read. Her mother wasn't upset about the baby being bi-racial, she was upset that the baby was bi-racial after Paige accused her Caucasian step-father of raping her. So it sure doesn't look like Paige was too honest does it? And dear old stepdad is in a world of legal trouble now for no real reason. And anyway it wouldn't be an incest baby if he did. They aren't related.

Update 3:

And it's a private adoption, BTW.

19 Answers

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  • 8 years ago
    Favourite answer

    Don't feel guilty dear, she lied so now she must deal with the consequences. My advice would be for you and your husband to wash your hands of this situation and start looking for a new birthmother. That should teach her a lesson about where dishonesty gets you,

  • 8 years ago

    i can't believe you'd go through the process of adopting a child in the hopes that they'd fit into the cookie cutter space you've made for them in your family.

    ANY child can end up 'different' in SO many ways. Would you have rejected a fair blue eyed kid at the first sign of them not fitting in?

    Why are you adopting if what you want isn't a baby to love and cherish and raise right? If what you want is a repeat of the same, then clone your own babies. Gees.

    Yes, it will be selfish and mean to back out of the adoption. HOWEVER, i recommend that you do NOT adopt this baby because you obviously don't want a baby for the right reasons, and in particular you do not want this baby. The poor child would grow up being able to sense that.

    Very Christian and tolerant of you (*sarcasm*).

    There are plenty of loving families who will be happy to adopt the baby- no matter what race they or the baby are.

  • 8 years ago

    How on earth did you get approved to adopt? You call yourselves Christians?

    Here's a wake up call real Christians encourage a mother to parent and offer support and practical help.

    For a start it is rude to refer to this mother as a BM as it is a term used for bowel movement yet people think it's an acceptable way of referring to a mother who is or intends to surrender her baby.

    I can understand why you would like your adopted child to 'fit in' and in the UK people can only adopt children of the same or similar culteral background as theirs.. However you ruined it by stating if you adopted this child everybody would know you adopted or assume that you had cheated on your husband. Do you realize how shallow that makes you sound. I also understand from this that you wouldn't tell the child she is adopted by this comment:

    Also the child would one day realize she didn't look like the rest of the family and may come to the conclusion they were adopted.

    Adopted children have a habit of finding out they are adopted and quite frankly it is cruel not to tell the child. You would be in effect living a lie simply because you would be withholding the truth. Pretending that you are a child's natural parents is selfish. Children wont love their adopters any less by knowing they are adopted,

    Yes I agree that you shouldn't adopt this beautiful child as she deserves better. Instead of helping her to find another family encourage her to parent and be supportive.

  • 8 years ago

    Lilly Anne well said, and I feel the exact same way. If the skin color of the child is to much to bare, by all means back out. If you're more worried about how others will view you for adopting a baby a shade darker then you then you are about taking care and loving a child, by all means back out.

    You should just leave this baby alone and go adopt one that has fair skin and blues eyes, so you can lie to her about her adoption, and have the support of your family. Good Luck.

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  • 8 years ago

    I'm calling troll. A real adoptive family would discuss this with their social worker, not broadcast it on the internet, & they definitely wouldn't share the potential birth mother's name. I'm also not buying it that youre "not prejudiced at all," if that was true you wouldn't be having such a problem with the idea of adopting a child that didn't look like you, & a social worker would never approve a family who planned to never tell their child they were adopted. And the whole stepfather thing puts it over the top, especially the part about the mother being more upset about the baby being biracial than the possibility of her husband raping her daughter! Nice supportive mother. You're ok with adopting an incest baby, but not a biracial one?

    Source(s): Go back under your bridge
  • 8 years ago

    first of all...it does not matter that the baby skin is dark...or what race....if you really want to be a mother...you have to forget about skin color, race, eye color and whatever else what people say and actually step into the shoes of a real mother who protects her baby just like a mother would. another thing you and your dh are doing very wrong is that the child must know that he or she is adopted no matter what...just because you are raising it it dose not give you the right in any way to hide such important information about his/her life. At one Point he/ she will know the truth and it will be worse for you as parents and for him/her. what if god were to make you medium skin, dark hair and dark eyes??? but you would still have your real parents? would your mom give you up for adoption because you did not look like the rest of the family or like them? because people would think your mother cheat on him?? you know? i really don't believe that you are ready to be a mom in any way. don't adopt the baby till you meet real mothers and mothers who do anything for their children. this amazing angel that was born must be happy. I lost my unborn baby 3 day's ago...and it is killing me....my bf (22) and I (19) were not ready to parents when we found out....we grew up...took responsibility...we were both very happy till god took my angel.

  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    I would say no dice and back completely out of this mess. I would only help so much as to tell her to use an adoption agency. That's it. And tell her that you aren't comfortable with any of this, wuth all the dishonesty. The father may well find out he's a dad after tge baby is adopted, and he could start legal proceedings. With all the lawsuits regarding this, his could be the landmark case that helps a lot of other dads win their adopted babies back.

    I think you would adopt this baby if birthmom was an honest person, regardless of skin color. I would vack out due to her dishonesty.

    Edit. I reread this. As for the issue of everyone knowing she's adopted, that's fine. People are going to know you weren't pregnant. And the child needs to know she's adopted. I don't understand the issue there. Skin color really doesn't matter. People are going to ask about your kids, abd will automatically assume the black child us adopted, if you choose to adopt her. Who cares?

  • 8 years ago

    You're an idiot.

    I'm Scandinavian-American as is my husband. We have two pasty Scandinavian children and one with copper-red hair and bronze skin, brown eyes. There is rumor of Native American on my husband's side, and I don't know who my bio-dad is, therefore it could have come from me. It didn't come from me cheating or anything. He is our son. He is his dad's little buddy.

    Even if the baby had come out blonde, you'd still be telling him he is adopted. You can't hide that form him.

    If a baby doesn't "fit in with our plans" then don't adopt! You're not getting a doll -- this is a HUMAN BEING! If you can't "love" a baby who doesn't look like it flew out of your hoo-ha, then you have no business being an adopter.

    You don't know that even a pasty baby would have fit in with your family. You don't know that she couldn't have had a white in-bred baby that was brunette. After all, brown hair and eyes are dominant, so you and your husband could have a brunette baby anyway and people would look at you all funny.

    At this point, I suppose you should find another adoptive family for her baby. I actually know a couple if you are in the Midwest. One is a blonde couple in Wisconsin who already has two boys they adopted from Africa, one is a blonde couple from Iowa who adopted a baby girl from Africa, one is a Blonde/Brunette (MIXED!!!!) couple from Iowa who has one son who's 3 and wants to adopt a baby. One is a family in Iowa (both brunette parents) who has three blonde biological children, one brunette adopted teen, two Asian adopted sons, two blonde adopted little daughters, and a Down's syndrome baby boy. Yes, that is NINE. They can fit in one more and a black baby boy is just what would round out their family.

    If you're too stupid to make a family from an adopted child and rely only on looks, then don't flippin adopt.

    What does your pastor think of all this nonsense? Does he consider this child a precious creation of God or is he like you?

    But talk to the adoption lawyer and they can find someone quickly I'm sure.

    Source(s): Guess what? I'm 6'1" and Swedish-American by birth and my adopted father's side. But my Scottish-Greek mother's family was all 5'8" and perfectly proportioned and treated me like I was a gigantic Viking freak. Even blondes can face discrimination by family. You're one of the worst people ever.
  • 4 years ago

    I think blonde hair will be sexiest, but brown hair can end up being really sexy too. Black hair is never sexy. It's just really boring and boring and flatters few constitution. Blonde hair looks best with azure eyes.

  • 8 years ago

    What you're thinking of doing is awful, but you're doing the innocent baby a favor by not forcing it into a bigoted, hateful family. I didn't realize adopting meant pretending the child was your own! If you are this concerned about what others think, you shouldn't have had kids in the first place.

    My heart goes out to the girl, and she does need support, but from good loving people. Not ones who abandon her in her hour of need when they commit to helping her. She was giving you her child; that is the most generous thing someone can do and you are throwing it in the dirt.

    I hope that baby finds a family who never even NOTICE the skin color.

    PS I just noticed you said you found the girl through your church. It sickens me that you call yourself god fearing and you treat an innocent baby like this. What would Jesus think?

  • 8 years ago

    There are so many people out there trying to adopt, all they want is a child to love and raise as their own, skin color is the last thing they are thinking of. How selfish of you. This baby has to come into this world having no one to love him/her, but only because of its skin color. How truly sad.

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