Questions to fellow Christians?
OK fellow Christians here is the thing, for probably the past 3 months I have been seriously struggling with the most basic tenet of the Christian religion, "salvation". for some its so rudimentary they hear it once and will understand it for life time, but for me it has kept me up for weeks and months on end trying to understand it.
O.K. my take on salvation is simple, if you believe Jesus died for you, you confess it with your mouth and "repent" of your sins you shall be saved, the responsibility of changing your desires and lusts is on Christ, otherwise you would be committing works which the word cautions us against, therefor we should focus on getting to know him through prayer and Bible reading and he will change us on his time. except over the years thousands of people and organizations have corrupted this simple creed into a circus of hoops and laws and regulations that a person must jump through just to feel "saved". for example, some people say saying the "sinner's prayer" is not biblical therefor salvation comes not from simply acknowledging Jesus as your savior, but instead by literally crying out to him until something supernatural overcomes you and you feel "saved".
I was raised a Christian, I believe in Christianity not because it was imposed on me, but because atheism is self contradictory, Christianity is historically reliable and I believe I have felt God's presence in my life,but I feel like this was a curse, I often get jealous of people who were not raised Christians, I mean, they get to go out, have sex, do whatever and have an awesome time, then get saved once those years are up and its all good, I'm not saying its unfair, I know we are all heading for hell if not for Christ, and yet, I feel "cursed" like Christianity has become a chore, and a heavy yolk to bear, but this is contradictory to the word! so surely I'm doing something wrong, correct?
I'm going to be honest, I'm a teenage boy, I "know" the word but I think reading the Bible is incredibly boring, but I want to want to read it, I hear stories of great men like missionaries in Africa who are doing all kinds of healing and what not through the power of the Holy Spirit, and I feel bad that even though I call myself a Christian, I don't have this "driving force" that makes me want to read the word everyday, is there something wrong with me, some would say "i'm not really saved then" but the word of God seems to be like a maze that only those chosen of God can decipher.
I trust in God's word, but I worry I'm not truly saved, because even though about 3 months ago I accepted him into my life, I've gotten worse, I don't read the Bible, I pray a lot(mostly asking for forgiveness, though I try to say to Jesus that I want a relationship but feel unworthy because I'm not a "Christian" therefor, why waste my time? right?) I download music and programs via torrents if you catch my drift, basically i'm no saint, and even though I wish I could be some Christian super-soldier, in reality, I just want to enjoy my life, but be in good standing with Christ, I know the word says we can't serve 2 masters, but I believe I should live my life and Jesus will change me on his time-scale, but I feel so much shame and guilt, but I know from past experiences my heart isn't changed so no amount of deeds I try to do to show God how much I've changed will matter because I'll go back to it in a week or 2, I want a new heart but it seems like Christianity is too distorted for me to understand.
If anybody actually reads all of this and replies extensively to me about these matters and helps me to see clearly Jesus I would like to just say thank you, I know our world sucks, but if anybody is left out there that can see through this distorted mess please help me to see through it too.