I'm not doing well helping out with my church's Vacation Bible School; any suggestions on how I can do better?
See, there are a lot of church ladies helping out with this thing, so the activities are all girly stuff, like sewing and baking and junk. The church agrees with me that there needs to be some more male-type activities, but the only other man helping out is the church choir director, Brother Percival, and the only contribution he has made has been to show all the kids how to put a perm in someone's hair. I've been pretty much left on my own to come up with good activities.
I thought I was doing well the first night, when I demonstrated how to do a tattoo. One new church member, who until recently entertained at the Hide-and Seek Gentlemen's Club out on route 5 until she found God, was a wonderful model; the "Jesus is my drug counselor" tat that I did on her shoulder looks real nice, too. I guess some of the church ladies that were there weren't too happy, though, especially since my model, previously known as *Good Time Gladys*, apparently knew their husbands a little too well.
The second night, I drafted my own kids to help me put on a Bible play. I wanted to deliver a story with a moral, so I chose the Old Testament story of Elijah, whose bald head was mocked by the kids. My kids played the mockers, making fun of my bald head, and then I, as Elijah, told them that God would get them. My kids turned and said, "Oh no! Here comes God's attack bear!", which was the cue for our obese Saint Bernard, Butterfly, to come bounding in jumping all over them and slobber on them like she does, while my kids hollered that they sure wished they hadn't made fun of a handsome bald man, since God was having this here bear smack them around. As Pastor Clemons told me later, most of the play was okay, except for the end where I turned to the kids and shook my fist at them, telling them that God was just waiting for the opportunity to send a bear to get 'em, if they didn't act right. Apparently some of the kids have had nightmares about bears ever since.
The rest of the week went okay, I thought, although Pastor Clemons thinks that my demonstration of how firing a rifle into the baptismal pool, to show how to bring fish to the surface of a lake, was a mistake. She wants me to fix the baptismal, too, but I told her I know a guy, so I think that took care of it. The church ladies were also very upset that I walked in, finishing off a beer. I used the opportunity to tell the bible story of how Jesus turned the water into PBR, but the ladies protested that that wasn't scriptural. I don't understand that; I mean, Jesus was a man, so I'm sure he liked to knock a few back after a long day of performing miracles. So far as I can see, the Bible only says "Be not drunk with wine", and PBR ain't wine, as any decent trailer park man such as myself can tell you.
Anyway, what are some good activities that are manly and all that I can present that won't ruffle the feather of the mother hens here? Brother Percival offered to demonstrate mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, if I would play the part of someone dying who needed it, but our practice run didn't go too well. I don't recall mouth-to-mouth resuscitation requiring so much tongue. What are some good activity suggestions to make this second week so good it will make up for the bad first week?