I feel intense loneliness. Am i being immature or what?
My parents are separated. I stay with my Mom and my little brother. Sometimes I give a portion of my paycheck to them.
Lately, I can't get over this feeling of not being loved or cared for. I don't know. I honestly miss how my ex REALLY listened to how i feel (although she was violently abusive). My mom seems to be more distant now that I have a new step dad. She just cooks meals in the house and gives me allowance from time to time if i really need money.
Whenever I try to complain on how my job sucks and that I want to quit. All she says is "I feel sorry for you or poor you". Without doing anything about it. She doesn't have to tell me "Son, I will give you money for your needs and wants". Hell no! All i want is for her to at least REALLY FEEL what I'm going through. I don't get enough sleep. I basically feel unappreciated whenever I give my alloted portion to help my mom and brother. All i get is an empty "thank you". Our quality time is basically just talking about senseless things over the dinner table. But sometimes we do eat outside in the mall.
I hate how she gives me this kind of sympathy "the poor you, i feel sorry for you". Sympathy is for dead people. Empathy is what people need.
My girlfriend who I have been in love for 5 years is an abusive violent woman. Ironically, she's the one who knows how to listen to one's need. I feel tempted to contact her and make up with her but I know i'll just be in another dead end relationship.
My father is also basically living away from us.
I feel like i'm in a catch 22.
I do not know if i am being immature because I should "grow up" and become like an adult and start acting like one. I should toughen myself or be emotionally cold as well. I feel so lonely, I cry every time I get scared that no one really loves and cares for me after all despite of my efforts to love and care for them.
I feel so lonely that i just want to sometimes give up on my hopes and dreams and let someone murder me, or kill me unexpectedly. Then I won't have any thoughts of killing myself.
The intense loneliness is driving me crazy and I know you guys would tell me I need professional help. But please, all I need is just someone to love and care for me.