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Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 9 years ago

Abusive relationship or my fault?

My husband "M" and I have been married for 1 year and 3 months. We have no children. Before we were married, M hit me on two separate occasions. Both times, we were arguing about something and he turned and punched me once on the arm. Both times, neither of us acted like it was anything out of the ordinary. 3 months ago, I told M that our relationship wasn't where I wanted it anymore (for several reasons) and that I had feelings for another person. He was upset but convinced me to stay with him. A week or so later, M found emails I had sent to the other man, essentially letting M know I was cheating on him. When I got home from work that night, M confronted me and started yelling. He took my phone and threw it across the room. He also threw a plate. Then he turned around and kicked me several times in the side and punched me several times on my shoulder and side. After this incident, I decided to stay with M. He told me he felt very bad about what he did. He said it was my fault because I cheated on him and he loved me so much. M also said that he would be monitoring me closely until he could trust me again. The incident left several noticeable bruises on my arm and shoulder that I had to explain away to many people.

Two weeks ago, I brought up to M once more that I thought we should end our relationship. He got angry quickly and grabbed a doll from the top of my china cabinet and threw it down the hall. He did this with four dolls. When I stepped up to him to grab a doll from him, he turned and punched me once on the arm. Afterwards, he said he did it because he thought I was attacking him. We decided to go for a drive to talk and M drove. We drove a short ways from town and I attempted to explain my reasons. After about 20 minutes of driving, talking, and yelling, M swerved off the road and said he would kill us both. He also said that he would kill the other man I had been seeing as well as his two daughters. I was scared so I apologized for what I did and told him I would not leave him.

After that incident, M told me he would never have hurt anybody. He said that I was the love of his life and I was crushing him by doing this.

I am scared to leave him because I don't know what he will do if I bring it up to him again. I also feel torn because it was my own fault that he acted in such a way, and if he had not been provoked, he would not have done it. My mom, dad, and brother all know about the time M left the most noticeable bruises. They encouraged us to seek marital counseling and agreed that, it was my fault for cheating on M. A couple other people know about it as well and I know I have their support in leaving M. But as I said, I am conflicted because I do also feel as though it is all my fault. Also, none of the times he hit me, except for the one big time, seemed like they were that bad compared to other people who have abusive husbands. At this point, I just don't know what to do and would appreciate any advice. Thank you.

8 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Favourite answer

    This man has always been a ticking time bomb, waiting for the appropriate moment to explode. You saw early signs of it when he hit you when arguing before you were married. You should have recognized that he lacked impulse control and had a low frustration threshold. Do you hit someone when you don't agree with them? No. You argue or discuss, but you don't hit to convince the other person of your view or to end the argument.

    You did cheat on him. That would have been a good reason for him to leave you or to ask you to go to marriage counseling with him, but it was not a good reason to attack you. When you dropped the other guy and stayed with M, you taught him that physically and verbally attacking you was the best way to get what he wants. You should have called the police and left him that day, filing an order of protection against him. You knew that but felt guilty about cheating, so you stayed.

    Abusers always claim to be sorry and follow that up with a period of peace that lasts about 6 weeks to a couple of months, but they are always looking for a good excuse to blow up and attack again. You gave him that excuse when you told him again that you wanted to leave. When he threw to first doll, you should have left the house and called the police. Instead, you took a drive with him. That gave him another, more powerful weapon to use - the car you were in. His threats and attacks have escalated because he doesn't know any other way to deal with his feelings.

    He was lying when he said he would never hurt anybody. That's the lie to get you to stupidly stay with him again. He is capable of violence and may be capable of taking someones life. He might take your life if you give him the chance. He counts on you being too afraid to leave him. He counts on you feeling like his abusive outbursts are your fault. They are not. M is responsible for his own emotions, his own words, his own reactions, his own choices, no matter what you say and do.

    You need to leave today. Go to your parents, call the police, get an order of protection and stay away from this man. The next time he hears something he doesn't like, he may put you in the hospital or he may take your life.

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  • epona
    Lv 6
    9 years ago

    He's abusive. You never should have married him. You should have left the relationship after he punched you the first time. He will just get worse with time. Leave him NOW! Be grateful you can leave before the relationship is complicated with children. Gather up your most prized possessions when he's away and get out. Go stay with a friend, family or a shelter. But GET OUT. Then find a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. You have rights and obligations. Get your life back together before dating anyone else, so you won't make the same mistake.

    You CAN do it and you MUST do it.

    Source(s): BTDT
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  • 9 years ago

    I do think it's your fault, I mean if it were reversed how would you feel? Finding out something like that is the hardest thing in the world to deal with. He most likely meant that he never wanted to hurt you but when something that BAD comes into your life, your anger just explodes and it is very hard to control. I do believe he didn't control himself as he should of, but you also shouldn't have been cheating on him. The proper thing to do would of been to tell him you were unhappy and try to resolve it before other people became involved because now you have your relationship with him to deal with and your new one. You are in a very difficult situation, and one that wont be resolved easily

    Source(s): married 4 years, cheating wife
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  • ?
    Lv 7
    9 years ago

    He hit you twice before you married

    This should have been a warning sign to you

    He says sorry you stay

    Sorry but you will live your life this way

    Unless you have balls to walk away from him

    You can blame yourself all you like even make excuses for him

    But one day you will wake up and realise

    If he really loved you he would protect you not hurt you ?

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    It's certainly not your fault. He doesn't sound like a horrific wife beater, but you still shouldn't have to put up with physical abuse. I don't like to be too politically correct about this kind of thing, but really, a man hitting a woman is never justified.

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    He's abusive. No argument about that. You need to leave him for good or you won't be leaving, you'll be in the hospital or dead. I know how manipulative a guy can be. He's trapping you in your marriage and making you think it's your fault.

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  • 9 years ago

    Leave him and get a restraining order before you get seriously hurt!

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    ...Abusive relationship in NO WAY AT ALL your fault there are 3 steps to this

    ...call police(or get away form him and warn your other man about him and get yourself protection)...

    ..divorce...

    ...RESTRAINING order NOW....

    Source(s): where the hell are the toaster stroodles
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