Is this a good start for my story? (revised)?

The car screeched to a stop, the driver jumped out into the heavy downpour, ran to the back of the car and knelt down as if in prayer, the body of a man covered with blood, gruesomely lit by the harsh orange glow of the street lamp. The road was deserted, no one to see what had happened, no witnesses.

A dark figure stood over the body, knife in hand. Blood dripped onto the rain soaked road it would eventually wash the blood away. The figure got into a car, threw the knife onto the passenger seat and sped away down the road, watching in the rear view mirror, in a busy city like this, it wouldn’t be long before the police would be on the scene.

Amy Carter was home alone watching a movie, there was a light tap on the window, she turned around quickly to see what it was, but she couldn’t see anything. Suddenly there was a knock on the front door, Amy pushed the pause button on the remote she got up from her chair and slowly walked down the hall to the front door.

‘Who would be out on a night like this!’ she said to herself as she reached the door.

‘HELP ME!’ a woman’s voice screamed through the door making her jump back and sending a spine tingling shiver down her back.

Elise approached the door cautiously. ‘Who’s is it?’ She put the chain on and opened the door.

‘Help me…please’ the woman stuttered, tears rolling down her face. ‘A man….chasing…..me!’

Amy took off the chain and threw the door open to drag the woman inside. ‘What is it? What’s happened?’ She asked as the woman collapsed to the floor her blond hair plastered to her forehead and dripping on her already soaked jacket.

‘Help me! Please’

‘Okay, I’ll call the police.’ The woman stopped Amy on her way to the phone.

‘I think he is the police, he’s dressed like one anyway, lock the doors.’

There was a loud crashing sound outside which made Amy jump.

‘Oh my god, he’s here!’ The woman said.

Amy bolted the front door and ran for the phone. She picked the phone up but the line was dead.

The woman was getting to her feet and making her way down the hallway towards the living room. Amy took her by the arm, led her to the sofa, and sat her down close to the fire. She went back to the kitchen to get her a glass of water. Amy returned to the living room gave the water to the woman then closed all the curtains. ‘Thank you…..b…be careful, he’s still out there.’

They sat on the sofa listening for more noises, but none came.

‘What’s your name?’

‘I’m Megan and I’m so sorry for dragging you into this!’

‘What happened?’

‘I was driving home….then I….’ she looked around the room deep in thought. ‘Something hit the car. I stopped… I thought I’d hit something. Then I saw a car coming down the road. He swerved and tried to hit me as he was passing. The next thing I heard was screeching tyres and I saw reverse lights coming at me…fast. I ran to the other side of my car. The car stopped and I heard someone get out. He was walking around the car.’ Megan started crying again.

‘How on earth did you get away?’ Amy asked.

Megan looked at me, and gave me the glass. ‘I ran into the trees and across a field.’ She took a drink of water. ‘You got anything stronger?’

‘Sure’ Amy got up and went to the kitchen. She turned the light on and screamed. She ran back to the living room ‘He’s outside. I just saw him.

Suddenly there was loud banging on the front door and it made them both jump. ‘Police, open the door, I know you’re in there, I saw you go in. Get out here now!’

‘****, what do we do now?’

Amy was shaking violently. Why did she deserve to get caught up in this mess? Why did this woman pick her house?

Loud banging came from the front door again, it sounded as though he was trying to break it down. Luckily, the bolts held, but Amy didn’t know for how long. If they didn’t keep him out, the security chain would. ‘Open the door, this is the police.’ He bellowed. ‘Megan if you harm that lady in any way, you are going to be in even more trouble!’

He knew her name, what was going on. I looked at Megan and she looked at me wide eyed and shrugged her shoulders.

Another kick at the door and the bolts gave in; one flew off the door so fiercely it made a dent in the wall where it rebounded to the floor. The security chain held tight.

Amy could see the man through the gap in the door. And he could see her crouching behind the wall. He was definitely wearing a police officer’s uniform. Amy looked from him to Megan. Megan was looking towards the door, her back to Amy. ‘Leave me alone,’ Megan screamed back at the door.

‘Megan, don’t be stupid, leave her alone and come out!’ The man backed a little way from the door and started talking into his radio.

Amy wasn’t sure what to do so she backed away, Megan got up from her crouching position and looked at Amy. ‘He can’t get in, we’ll be ok.’ She said as she looked over her shoulder, and then turned back to the door. Amy noticed a knife sticking out of Megan’s jeans pocket.

6 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    You have a really good hook that had me intrigued right away. The action in this is good and will get better as you keep fleshing it out. A few suggestions; first you start with a run-on sentence. When you go back to edit, look for sentences that are too long and break them up. 'Amy watching the movie' is also too long.

    Was the driver the dark figure? Is this figure something the driver saw? If so, take out 'the road was deserted' because that gives the impression someone else is there with a knife. Unless the driver and the figure are the same person, what did the driver think when he saw the figure? Did he want to help? That part is a little confusing.

    Then it skips too quickly to Amy watching the movie. Find some kind of seque. You don't need 'who would be out on a night like this?' Tears rolling down her face could be more intense. Is she scratched up or covered in dirt? If she's in shock, I don't think she'd be apologizing yet. It skips from the man walking around the car (did they wreck or did they just stop for no reason? Details, please) to how did she get away? Did the man grab her or something? Then you say 'Megan looked at me,' but who's 'me?' So far it's been in third person, so keep consistent.

    Don't have Amy question things just yet. It slows down the action. Then it wanders into first person again with 'I.' What tense do you want this in? Very good intensity, but I'm curious how Megan can have a knife in her pocket without cutting herself. Just some food for thought.

    As a whole though, a very intriguing read. Those were a few parts that didn't make sense, but you can flesh them out. Watch run on sentences and keep it in one tense. Good luck!

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  • 9 years ago

    Describe how the driver's face is and how he moves when he does. Slow down when it comes to scenes such as the beginning. We want to know how your world FEELS, we're not interested what it IS. Not yet, unless we like how it feels, if it has any feeling at all. Give sweat character, also give limping character. Make things seem REAL and LIVE.

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  • 9 years ago

    Good very good. I deffinitly want to read more. I am guessing the Megan is the person that killed the guy mentioned on the top. Keep writing more.

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  • 9 years ago

    I read the first paragraph or so and it sounded like a movie. Im sorry but its true. You need to work on it again. ANd the first paragraph sounded like a run on sentence.

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  • 9 years ago

    There are some grammar mistakes, but you can always fix those. This really isn't my type of book, but I think I would give it a shot and read it.

    Hope I helped! :)

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  • 9 years ago

    It's a bit confusing! But good. Keep going though!!

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