Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Pregnancy & ParentingAdoption · 9 years ago

Would i be judged for making the right choice in giving my daughter up for adoption?

i have a lot of personal problems in my life that i don't want to bring my daughter into. i think it is best for my daughters sake for her to be raised in a loving and caring home, more than what i can give her. although i would give her the world, im the position i am in with legal matters and ex related problems, i just don't think the life i could give her would be best to give her. i think giving her to a loving and caring couple who has always dreamed to have a family but is unable to have a child would be a great gift. i know that it would tare me up inside knowing i gave her away but i would also be at ease knowing my daughter had a life and a future a head of her. is it wrong to want only the best for my daughter?

i no alot of u wont like this, and or will say for me to make the choice on my own, but i am the type of person to always ask for advice, otherwise how far can u really get in life without knowing answers to questions. now i do no that this is a huge step and i know all the risks involved. i just dont think she is going to be very happy with what my personal issues are and i think it is best for her to be raised in a non stress, caring and loving home, she deserves the best

Update:

i will not be abandoning her i would be giving her a chance at a true life. not near stress. and not with any hurt that could cause her stress... she would have the chance to live a full happy life. and if and when the time comes that she would like to know me then it would be up to her parents that have been taken care of her. yes it would be an open adoption. but its most definitely not abandonment.

Update 2:

i also am 22 yrs old, there are alot of legal matters in my life that i dont want for my daughter, although she is my world and a piece of me. i need to know what is best for her. the father wants nothing to do with her as he left me after finding out i was pregnant. i thank each and everyone of you for your help and advice. i know this may all seem wrong in so many peoples eyes but i know that my daughter will have a bright and beautiful future.

27 Answers

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  • 7rin
    Lv 5
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILD TO ADOPTION!

    Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Considering Adoption

    @ http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/wish.h...

    What you should KNOW if you're considering adoption for your baby

    @ http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1

    Considering adoption? Don't feel you have any other options?

    @ http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

    Myths told the unmarried mother

    @ http://gift-not-choice.tripod.com/myths-about-asfa...

    Adoption Truth

    @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOZGwqHVnKs

    Youtube thumbnail

    Unplanned Pregnancy without Crisis

    @ http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm

    Open adoption is almost never legally enforceable, and many parents have lost access to their children due to broken "open" adoption promises.

    @ www.mercianeclectics.dsl.pipex.com/adoption/OpenAdoptionWall.htm

    @ www.bringperihome.com/

    @ http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=201007...

    @ http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=201008...

    Quotes taken from Nancy Verrier's book, Coming Home to Self

    @ http://www.nancyverrier.com/self_book.php

    For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn't understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.

    (pg 50)

    Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That's why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child's greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.

    (pg 102)

    It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn't as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, "Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you're not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun."

    (pg 117)

    _____Links supporting families to stay together_____

    Single Mom @ www.singlemom.com/

    Mentor Moms/MOPS/Teen MOPS (support!) @ www.mops.org/

    Angel Food (food assistance) @ www.angelfoodministries.com/

    Feeding America (food assistance) @ www.feedingamerica.org/

    Co-Abode (housing assistance) @ www.coabode.com/

    Safe Families (for emergency/crisis care) @ www.safe-families.org/

    Teens @ www.teenbreaks.com/pregnancy/pregnancyhome.cfm

    Adoption Crossroads® and Adoption Healing @ www.adoptioncrossroads.org

    Adopted Child Syndrome @ www.amfor.net/acs

    Origins-USA @ www.origins-usa.org

    United Family Services @ www.unitedfamilyservices.org/

    Family Assistance Foundation @ www.familyassistancefoundation.com/

    Safelink Wireless @ www.safelinkwireless.com/

    Finally, I suggest you take notice of the fact that adoption does NOT "save" kids: http://lubbockonline.com/crime-and-courts/2010-12-...

    Good luck!

    ETA @ OP's AD: Actually yes, giving your child away is ABANDONING it - I know, I'm one of the abandoned. Adoption is nothing more than legalised child abandonment, and your kid will not "have a better life", it'll just have a different life in which no-one is familiar.

    Source(s): Personally, I'd rather've been aborted - at least then the lifetime of agony would've been over in minutes/hours/days, instead of the decades that I've been suffering for now. Abandoned early 1973. Reunited late 2009.
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  • 9 years ago

    No matter what you decide you will be judged. That's just what happens when you (or anyone else for that matter) gets pregnant. Everyone has an opinion.

    I'm adopted and I have issues because of being adopted. It's a possibility that your daughter will also have issues. I had a nearly ideal family situation thanks to adoption, but it didn't undo the damage that had been done from losing my first mother. Nobody likes to hear this, because everyone wants to think that adoption is some sort of ideal solution to life's unfortunate difficulties. It's not; it's one imperfect option....

    My biological mother doesn't want to hear that I have problems. She blames me for having a "spirit of unthankfulness".... I don't hate her, I just don't act like adoption was a perfect experience for me. I refuse to lie about what I've personally experienced.

    Whatever you do, don't go into adoption thinking your daughter will automatically be better off. If you do decide on adoption and later find out that she has issues because of it; listen to her. Be prepared. Don't make this choice lightly. Ask yourself whether you'll still have these issues 5 years down the road, 10 years down the road...

    Also, a baby is a great reason to get your life together. Kids give us a reason to do things we never would have thought possible. (At least that's what's happened in my life since I had my daughter a year ago.)

    Source(s): Good luck!
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  • 9 years ago

    I cannot sway you if you already think this is the best decision for your child, but having been exactly in your shoes I can tell you that you are being manipulated in the worst kind of way. People are telling you now that it is a selfless and loving thing by giving up your child and then they will turn around and call you soulless and worse for giving up your own flesh and blood.

    Your issues now are temporary. This is life, we all have things come up and we have to deal with them. No one can provide 100% stability. If you think this is the best thing for your child I can assure you that it is not. The best thing for a child is always its mother. Unless your baby's life would be in danger if it were to be raised by you than you should do everything you can to keep this baby you clearly already love. There are resources out there to help you. You will only love the baby more once it is here and as the other birthmother who posted stated. You will be severely messed up if you choose adoption. It is not just a painful decision, it is like dealing with your child's death every day. Every moment you are in bereavement and know that people secretly blame you. You can trust me that about 95% of the people you meet will judge you and very very harshly for 'giving up' your child. I really hope this helps you.

    Source(s): Experience.
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  • 3 years ago

    do no longer desire to your very own problems over your flesh and blood. artwork your stuff out and a thank you to be sure. it won't rely in case you won't be ready to furnish ponies and private tutors, your toddler needs you and purely you. What makes you think of that infertile couples are going to be so loving and being concerned? Adoptive families even have divorce, alcoholism, abuse. Unresolved grief from no longer having bio little ones can place a extensive burden upon the hot toddler getting into the kinfolk. An toddler placed for adoption will come to adopters with loss and grief few can comprehend. in case you abandon your toddler to advance up with strangers your toddler will scream and cry attempting to connect with you - via fact babies anticipate the mummy who grew them contained in the womb. The crying drives some adoptive father and mom into an abusive rage and a few will purely advance PADS. This toddler isn't a latest so which you would be able to furnish. on an analogous time as the bible would say little ones are a latest from god - you are the meant recipient of this blessing. The present is yours. Please settle to your new child and take this as an threat to greater beneficial your self you're being a latest for this little human loves you and choose so which you would be able to be his/her mom. arise and do this. sure you may face demanding circumstances, yet at the same time you additionally could make it.

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    I did adoption. Back in 2009. The father never even saw me pregnant, he left when he found out. It was the worst WORST feeling in the world doing adoption. It felt so right up until I had him but then it felt too late to keep him. I felt like I HAD to do it by then. I felt very happy that I made a nice family complete. I did something only God could do, give them a child. They couldn't have one. And I wasn't able to raise my child (that's what i told myself). But the pain took forever to fade even a little. Three years now, I still cry sometimes. THE NIGHTMARES are the worst. Please be careful, you aren't going to realize how much you love her until shes there.

    wait to make this desicion until shes born please. If I would have done that I would still have my first child.

    I wanted to kill myself because of all the pain I went through giving birth and seeing his beautiful eyes stare in mine. Then I gave him to his "new parents".They pushed and pushed me to do it, and I felt like I couldn't be a good mom!

    And I want you to know you CAN DO IT, THERE ARE WAYS!

    Yes I know he lives the best life ever, but please please, realize this will be the most painful thing you ever do in your life, ever! It will tare you into pieces~!

    I think that either choice you make is extremely brave and either way will be so hard.

    You are very strong already.

    I was so traumatized from doing adoption because of my life problems that i went and had another kid. I love him to death but I still think sometimes i should have waited. I have a psycho boyfriend and I live with my parents.

    Either way will be very hard.

    My own family spread rumours that I sold him and that i was a failure, so yes people will say the worst things about you for it.

    You just need to know in your heart that you did the right thing and stick to that.

    If you believe you are makeing the right choice, then you are. but please be careful. :)

    Just be happy with your desicion

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  • 9 years ago

    Either way, you will be judged. You will be judged by people for giving her up for adoption, and you will be judged by others if you keep her and try to raise her in what others consider a non- stable environment for a child to be in. So who cares? Do what you feel is best for her, whatever that may be, and don't worry about what people think or say. She's your child, and no one can tell you what to do with her, as long as she's being taken care of properly. I personally could never give my child up for adoption, and I believe if you make the choice to have sex, you should take responsibility for the outcome (getting pregnant), but if adoption works for you, then go for it. Just make sure you know the family very well before handing her over, or you could be putting her in an even worse situation than if you were to just raise her yourself.

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  • 9 years ago

    Yes, you will. Take it from someone who knows. Everyone will tell you you are so noble and wonderful and selfless and brave, but once they get their hands on your child the tides will change. They will say anything to get your child. Moreover, think about what will be said about you to YOUR child, by the very people who promised you the moon. If you think you are going to find your child again after she is of age (and based on what the adopters tell you) assume you will have this great relationship with YOUR child, think again. They don't want you to have any type of relationship with the child that you brought into this world. They want it all for themselves.

    Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You will not be young and with little resources forever. You will regret it if you let her go.

    @Krystle P- You have been reported for trying to solicit a young woman for her unborn child. You salivating at the mouth for someone else's child PAP's will stop at nothing, won't you?

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  • 4 years ago

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    This very distinctive self-defense package contain all you need, all the essential emotional strategies and activity steps that you must know and take before it' too late in order to identify a potential enemy, prepare yourself to endure a surprise assault while eliminating determined and crazy attempts on your daily life in seconds. The Patriot Self Defense is the best online plan for defense.

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  • 9 years ago

    My answer isthe same as the first time you asked this. If nobody else judges you your daughter will. Adoption is forever your situationis temporary so your daughter will most likely grow up wondering why you put yourself before her needs. Her most important need is for you to raise her whilst sorting out your problems.

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  • 9 years ago

    Don't choose your personal problems over your flesh and blood. Work your stuff out and learn how to parent. it won't matter if you can't provide ponies and private tutors, your baby wants you and only you.

    What makes you think that infertile couples are going to be so loving and caring? Adoptive families also have divorce, alcoholism, abuse. Unresolved grief from not having bio children can place a huge burden upon the new baby entering the family. An baby placed for adoption will come to adopters with loss and grief few can understand. If you abandon your baby to grow up with strangers your baby will scream and cry trying to connect with you - because babies expect the mom who grew them in the womb. The crying drives some adoptive parents into an abusive rage and some will simply develop PADS.

    This baby is not a gift for you to give. While the bible may say children are a gift from god - YOU are the intended recipient of this blessing. The gift is yours. Please accept your child and take this as an opportunity to better yourself you are being a gift for this little human loves you and want you to be his/her mother. Stand up and do this. Yes you may face challenges, but together you can make it.

    No matter what your rationale it will feel like rejection and abandonment to lose you. Adoptees suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. losing one's mother creates a void that is never going to be filled with material possesions.

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