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How do I learn to accept my girlfriend's past and flaws?

Just so you guys know, this is going to be a long one. I'll put a tl;dr at the bottom of the page, but to answer, you might need to know the whole situation.

First off, very soon, my girlfriend and I will have been together for a year. Let's just say it hasn't been one of the best years of either one of our lives. She has just become a senior in high school and I've just become a sophomore in college.

Before she met me, she only had one other real boyfriend. He had a lot of friends he flirted with who were girls that text his phone all the time and he sometimes ignored her. She lost her virginity to him instead of waiting to see how things would turn out. I don't think know if he used her for sex, but he did leave her after about 4 months of a pseudo-relationship.

Fast-forward to May 2010. After I graduated high school, she proposed that she become my girlfriend. At the time I knew nothing of her past. If I would have, I would have rejected because of everything I've had to deal with. Instead I accepted her. We dated for a couple of weeks, but then she started to tell me about her past and everything that it entailed. When she'd come over my house, she'd pressure me to have sex until I finally gave in, I know, STUPID mistake. I gave her my virginity and I got nothing because she'd already given it to someone who didn't deserve it.

Over the following months, more and more of her real personality started to shine through. She was VERY insecure and wanted me to make all sorts of promises before we were ever really involved. Most of my friends at the time were girls. But they were only friends and the girls knew that themselves. We never flirted or anything of the sort. When she [my girlfriend] found this out, she started to worry all the time that I would leave her for one of them. What she didn't know is that this behavior made me want to. She was always texting me and not giving me an adequate amount of space, wanting to see me every second of every day. As this happened, the things that attracted me to her slowly faded and the only thing left was that I'd finally found someone that loved me for me.

As the months kept on, I harshly rejected her behavior and would sometimes yell at her to stop being the way she is. I was a true jerkass and I didn't want to be, but I didn't find any other way to do it, talking didn't help. I could talk to her all day long, but you can't change someone that doesn't want to change. And I was NOT going to stand for that behavior. She started to look unattractive, I started to notice that she's on the chubby side and that she won't be able to keep up with me due to her chronic migraines. (I'm sometimes hyper...) The migraines make her hair thin and her body weak, so she can't exercise too heavily. To me, that doesn't make a very good fit. She doesn't have many girls who are friends because she doesn't trust girls because of her past so she has no one else to hang out with and she always tells me how she doesn't like her school (I graduated from the same school, I complained less) and she doesn't like SO many people! It starts to seem at times like she's a really hateful person. She probably gets this from her abusive mother who pays more attention to her little sister than she does her. She had hearing problems when she was younger, so she's extremely shy because she thinks people notice the way she talks (they don't, I asked all my friends and not one of them noticed) and she doesn't have many old friends because she's so shy for no reason. I try to be an achiever, but all she wants is me. She can cook, but that's all she wants to be. I wish she'd push to be the best cook in the world or something instead of just trying to be the best girlfriend for me. She isn't a very good learner at all. One may say she's kind of slow when it comes to intellect, while people tell me, I'm naturally bright. We just don't match up. She told me she always wanted to get engaged while in high school. I told her how stupid that was. (Yeah, I was harsh.) She gave up on that dream for me.

My college is about 30 minutes away from her house. She always used to worry that some college girls may be better than her and that they would try to take me away. No girl has ever thought of me like she does and I've told her that numerous times, but it's like she forgets that all the time. Not only that, but boys come up and try to hit on her at school and even out of school. Even a 23 year old tried to flirt with her. I almost wish she would have left me on the spot for someone that accepts how she looks and doesn't try to change her, but she won't leave or let me leave for that matter.

After quite a few of near-breakup situations, she finally explained to me that she wanted to change, I told her that I couldn't accept those asp

Update:

Fast-forward to recent months, we've been doing much better compared to the 'Dark Times'. She listens to what I have to say and I listen to her to the best of my ability. It's hard for me to understand what she has to say sometimes because she lacks sufficient social skills, but I know we need to communicate to stay together. She's horrible at English, my best subject, but extremely proficient at Math, my worst subject. She doesn't have a thirst for knowledge like I do, and wonders why I LIKE to learn. I don't like that she doesn't.

She doesn't like having to wait just two years to get an apartment with me. Little things get to her, like if I were to change my Facebook picture from us to something else, she would tell me that she sees that I changed it. That's not fair considering that if she did the same, I wouldn't bother her about it.

She still really wants to get engaged. She doesn't bring it up because she knows it's not gonna happen until I can see if we are good with living wi

Update 2:

Keep in mind that I try to leave because I know she deserves better than me, but she won't let me. It'd just break her heart even more. I've tried to tell her good things about herself, but she doesn't believe me so I no longer see the point. She tells me she doesn't want me to lie to her, so I don't.

Many of you girls are correct, but I can't help what I view as attractive. She IS NOT fat by any means, but she's chubby.

If you guys could at least give me some sort of advice on how to ignore all that. I just want to love her like she loves me. Yes, I've been a jackass to her, but I haven't ever been that way to anyone else.

I don't mind other girls not paying attention to me or that I wouldn't get another girl, but I at least want her to be happy. It's not like I'm forcing her to stay with me.

6 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Favourite answer

    Your situation made me think of me and my boyfriend, and made me a little worried, lol. I was sexually abused as a child and had a very rough childhood. My parents were especially there for me, and things like this really effect how a person turns out. Your girlfriend has an abusive mother, you say, and pays more attention to her sister. She seems to not care for her appearance much anymore? While I can agree that you are getting exhausted in this relationship, it's also selfish of you. Being abused by someone you are supposed to be protected by, someone who is supposed to be there for you and love you unconditionally is devastating. It destroys your trust, your self esteem, everything. If you have not been abused in any way, you can't understand.

    Of course she is insecure. She loved a guy before you who treated her wrong. Not only that, but people who have been abused have horrible trust issues. Since being sexually abused, I trust basically no one at the beginning, and it takes forever for me to trust. I am insecure, and I'm kind of like your girlfriend. Except I care too much about my appearance and try to look nice. Some people can't really handle a person who is so insecure and who has been abused. The people who were abused need counseling, which is definitely what she needs. Maybe you can't handle her, maybe you are only causing her more trouble. I am not trying to take sides, but rather, have you look at both perspectives. She feels like you are the only one she can go to. Being clingy is very common in someone who has been abused. They find someone who loves them, and they cling to that person because they aren't getting love at home, or they never had it.

    So basically what I think you should do, is suggest counseling. Maybe even go to counseling with her. That's if you really want to work this out with her. You have to help fix her, instead of focusing on how she is bringing you down so much. If you can't handle this, then leave her. Yes, it's going to be devastating to her, and ruin her trust even more, but in the end it will be better for her to not be lead on. If you don't love her, don't stay with her. Don't lead her on like that. Ultimately, you're the one who has to make the decision. What it comes down is, you either stick it out and fight with her, or leave. If you love her, it will work out.

    Source(s): I have similar problems, and I'm in a relationship.
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  • 9 years ago

    I get the feeling you're trying to salvage this disheveled relationship only because you lost your virginity to this girl and because you don't think any other women will want you the way she does. NEITHER of those reasons is a good reason to stay with someone. Relationships shouldn't take this much work and NO ONE should ever be expected to change for their partner. I promise she, in her current state, is PERFECT.... just not for you. And when she finds that someone who thinks she's perfect as she is, the neediness and insecurity will melt away very quickly. It seems clear that you should cut your losses and move on, for both of your sakes. Chalk it up to a great learning experience and find simplicity and solace with a better match.

    FYI, hair thinning/hair loss and weakness are not side effects of migraines. They are, however, side effects of depression and anxiety, which seems quite likely given how you've described this young woman.

    Source(s): Blissfully with my husband for a decade.
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  • 9 years ago

    Why are you so mad at her past? So she had one boyfriend and lost her virginity to him. You lost your virginity to her and you're mad that she already slept with a guy?

    You think she's fat and you also want her to think of another career than cooking. You are mad that she is shy "for no reason". I'm shy and have always been, since I was little. There really is no reason but I can't help it.

    I hope one day she wakes up and realized she deserves much better than you. You said it yourself that no other girl would want you.

    edit: I read the rest. She is insecure, and you tell her things that make her feel even worse. You are both bad for each other. You don't care about her or her health or well being. Break up with her for good for both of yours sakes.

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  • Tabby
    Lv 6
    9 years ago

    You two are a horrible fit and from the things you say about her (not just what stemmed from the insecurities) it sounds like you don't have a lot of respect for her or her health. You talk about her weight, her migraines, how she wouldn't be able to keep up with you, etc. so to me right there it's like you're making excuses or just talking yourself out of being with her. Just her insecurites alone will drive you crazy as you well know. I myself tend to be like that and have also been on the other side of that. It's best if you just say goodbye and let her go and try to get healthy on her own.

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Sounds like you are just with her out of habit. Time to make a clean break from her. No contact or anything.

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  • Anonymous
    4 years ago

    Wow, Thank you! I was asking myself the same question today

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