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Good or Bad Thesis Statement?

Is this a good thesis statement? Correct it please. Do you think it sounds good?

Topic: Should students obtain a part time job?

Obtaining a part time job is a good idea for students because it would help them cultivate independence among young people; also, the students can apply knowledge in the practice, and they will be able to earn their own money.

Does it sound good?

What could I make it to sound more professional. More grade 11ish.

3 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Favourite answer

    Repeating the topic as part of your thesis statement is bad form. You also are creating a run-on sentence with the ;also,.

    Shorten the sentence or at least restructure in by rewriting it a few times in different ways and with different words.

    There will be a few good candidates among the 20 or so that you should create.

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  • 9 years ago

    It's a very good start! You use engaging words that make me interested. The only thing I would offer to help is the "also" in the middle of the statement. It pauses it, which makes me lose a little interest. Instead, be bold and have confidence!!

    Obtaining a part time job is a good idea for students because it would help them cultivate independence among young people, apply knowledge in practice, and teach them responsibility as they're able to earn their own money.

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Obtaining a part time job is a good idea for students because it would help them cultivate independence among young people; also, the students can apply knowledge in the practice, and they will be able to earn their own money.

    "Good idea" is hard to define. Make it more explicit, i.e., remove the whole good idea part, and just say the effects (because part).

    Remove the portion after the semi-colon, or blend it with the first part. Theses should be ONE idea.

    Source(s): Graduate TA
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