Good or Bad Thesis Statement?

Is this a good thesis statement? Correct it please. Do you think it sounds good? Topic: Should students obtain a part time job? Obtaining a part time job is a good idea for students because it would help them cultivate independence among young people; also, the students can apply knowledge in the practice, and... show more Is this a good thesis statement? Correct it please. Do you think it sounds good?
Topic: Should students obtain a part time job?

Obtaining a part time job is a good idea for students because it would help them cultivate independence among young people; also, the students can apply knowledge in the practice, and they will be able to earn their own money.

Does it sound good?
What could I make it to sound more professional. More grade 11ish.
3 answers 3