My mother passed away about 6 months ago and I don't what to plan for my future. -LONG- [PLEASE HELP]?
Okay, so my mom passed away nearly 6 months ago, it was a total sudden death and it still aches. I am a 18 year old female, she passed when I was 17 at the top of my senior year in high school. I am still attending. There are times where I fall in and out of depression all the time. I can't get the image out of my head of her collapsing on the floor before she was sent off the ambulance. I feel so guilty because I wasn't there to ride with her in the ambulance, it was my first official day of school and I didn't want to miss it, and also because I thought she would be fine, like when I get home I thought she would be there and she would be okay and I would give her a hug and a kiss, but she wasn't. So I after school I had to speed over to the hospital with my younger sister and meet up with my brother. My brother was there through the hours of school, so he told my and my younger sister that my mom probably wasn't going to make it. After waiting patiently for about an hour, the doctors announced that she didn't make it. My heart dropped right then and there, because I needed her so badly. We had our ups and downs in our mother-daughter relationship, but the past two years our bond was so strong and we were like best friends. During summer of 2010, we were excited about me being the first to graduate high school in my family, me getting my first job, excelling so greatly in school and going off to college. Now I feel everything I hoped for and dreamt is all shattered because she is gone. My senior is almost coming to an end in about 3 months and all these questions keep appearing about what am I going to do after high school. I get so frustrated and depressed when the question always seems to come up, because I don't know anymore. It's almost like everything was bad timing, because I am still grieving over my mother but yet I have to plan out a future, which I am not ready to yet and quite frankly I am scared to do it. I don't know what I want to do after I finish high school. I pushed myself so hard my first semester of my senior year and came out with "A" and "B"'s, but I'm struggling for the second semester and my head isn't where it needs to be. I guess it's because I know I have to pick my future soon. It makes me depressed knowing a lot of my peers know what they are going to do and I don't even have an answer. I guess I try to avoid reality because I am still stuck in the phase of my mother's passing. I feel pressured to figure out my future plans now and it causes me to be more depressed because my mother isn't here to help me and I wish people would back up and quit asking me questions relating to the future. Sadly, I feel like I am slowly becoming an apathetic person about most things. I don't know where to begin. Is this normal? Please help! Thanks in advance.
And on top of that, I have insomnia. I feel like everyone in my house thinks that I am lazy, but it never used to be like that. I stay in my room very often now and just lay down for the most of time, just thinking. My step-dad keeps bombarding with questions about what am I going to do after high school, it frustrates me and I just want to him and to just stop asking me and just leave it alone for a while, what should I do?