Dull thoughts... and too long a question. I guess, a cry for help.?
A few weeks ago I became convinced that Kenny (one of the characters, although I'll assume most of you know that) was going to die permanently on the show (I won't elaborate too much because it isn't relevant) and had prepared to commit suicide in a one of his early season deaths if anything happened. As things are, he's okay... so I am too.
Sort of. During the week mentioned, I broke down crying hysterically several times and phoned a number of suicide hotlines, most of which got bored of me very quickly. At one point I spent a few hours lying on the ground outside crying and wearing a coat similar to his, then went inside and held my arm over a kettle until it burnt.
Now as I said, he's fine, but that was just an illustration. The other night I spent a number of hours listening to the season 14 theme song on repeat while sitting alone in a room staring blankly into space, then watched a scene in which Kenny commits suicide from a recent episode, repeatedly, for a similar amount of time.
My obsession scares me in a way. A lot of my speech is lifted directly from South Park episodes, and I often quote entire sections of Stan or Kyle's dialogue to people unconsciously, or refer to money as "dollars" despite the fact I'm not American and have never possessed a dollar in my life.
I feel almost offended by the idea of watching other TV shows, and being around other people who do fills me with an irrational sentiment of paranoia and anger, that I find hard to contain. Nevertheless, I tend to just leave the room, as I do realise confronting people about it would be useless and unproductive.
I get extremely jealous of other fans and refuse to socialise with them, but at the same time people who don't like South Park upset me and I find I have nothing to talk about with them. If someone tells me South Park has a negative effect on my life, I tend to get angry and tell them it's not the show's fault, but their own, then refuse to speak to them again.
For this reason, amongst others, I have few friends and those I do have I only speak to online. I ended my (telephone-based) relationship with my mother last weak due to her inability to comprehend my love for the show... and the, assumedly unintentional, callous remarks she often makes. For example, her constant disdain for the idea I might genuinely care about the well-beings of cartoon characters and pointing out, unnecessarily, that a lot of people don't view the show as having a deeper meaning and just like it because it's a crude, animated series they find entertaining. She knows very little about it -what I do tell her, she quickly forgets- and enjoys mostly reality television. After I blocked her from calling me again, I lay down and cried for a few hours, hugging my season 7 DVD to my chest... that one, only because I like the cover. I haven't spoken to her since.
I don't socialise unless it's enforced... when I do, I don't enjoy it. I spend most of my time reading scripts from South Park episodes and memorising trivia, as well as writing about my love for the show and psychologically analysing characters in the form of essays. I have far too much knowledge - by most people's standards, and yet no one to share it with, which presents a source of enormous frustration to me.
I can't really see my life going anywhere. I'm good at writing, art, am studying philosophy etc., but I enjoy all of these pursuits so little. If I cannot be with my cartoon sweethearts, I truly do not want to live. The only hope I have is that I could move to the Colorado Rockies -where it's set- and feel closer to them.
Tell me my obsession is extreme, but it's what I value emotionally - unconventional as it is. I feel far more empathy for South Park characters than anyone psychically real... in fact, I struggle hugely with empathy where real people are involved. Not that I'm proud of it. A counsellor I spoke a while back told me the problem with it was how much pain I felt over things like thinking Kenny might be killed off, and suggested I get a cat instead. Funny as it was, I told her that in any case the cat would die eventually. In reality, anything you value is going to hurt you in some way, and emotional attachment to things is a human necessity... frustrating as it is.
I know I'm crazy. I know. But how does knowing that help? Crazy is a word; it doesn't offer guidance or explanation.
I don't want to stop loving South Park. Please don't tell me to... because that only makes me feel more need to prove my love for it. Reverse psychology, you know.
Brian, thanks for being nice, but I've been to countless psychiatrists/psychotherapists in my time and none have helped. And I dint recall ever being "happy".
Grey, your answer was about as useful and relevant as an electric fan heater in a desert.
Silverhaze, yes, I've read that book, and yes I do have high-functioning Autism. Mark Haddon is not Autistic, however, so don't assume he's a credible source for knowledge. Oh my TV is stupid to you, is it? Well get back to your family/sport/computer games or whatever matters to you rather than criticising what does to me. I had a job for a year, but got fired because they couldn't cope with my (visible signs) of OCD and said it was bad for their company's image. Anyway, if your oh-so-experienced knowledge of Autism was correct, you'd know that individuals with Asperger's having obsession is as much part of life as relationships and jobs are for non-Aspies, and if my obsession were not with South Park it would be with somethin
+ I'm at college full-time so it's not like I'm technically unemployed.