wedding advice please help?

Me and my fiancé just recently got engaged and we're starting to plan our big day but it's proving to be more complicated than we thought.

Like any girl I would love to have that big wedding with family and friends there to share it but I've come to accept it's not going to happen that way. The truth is I pretty much hate my entire family. We're in contact but I really dislike the majority of them and I'd feel like such a hypocrite to have my sisters as bridesmaids and my dad give me away etc and it seems such a waste to splash out on a fancy venue with dinner and all the trimmings for them when I'd rather spend that money on an amazing honeymoon for me and my fiance. (God knows we need it) And we've never had a proper holiday like that together yet.

So for me, getting married abroad would be an ideal way to get round it without getting grief from my family. But my fiance is really close to his family and he wants them there which i can totally understand. So what do I do?

There's no way I would have a wedding with just his family there and no one for me there cos it would really depress me and its already upsetting enough the way my family situation is. And I wouldnt enjoy it. Plus my family would really kick off if they knew his family had all been invited and they hadn't and despite how i feel about them I dont want the grief.

So I suggested that we could have a church ceremony but i didnt want any wedding party such as bridesmaids, groomsmen, my father giving me away etc. That way my family could come and be there but they wouldnt really be involved which would suit me fine and we could keep it small. The only problem here is what do we do about the reception. In a perfect world I'd have loved a sit down meal but some of my family members aren't talking to others. My parents cant even be in the same room as each other without starting a fight. And yes it's terribly selfish that they've put me in this position but there is no talking to them so im looking for an alternative solution to give me an easy life. Is there a way we could maybe skip the reception and just have a party so the people who weren't talking or whatever wouldnt have to see eachother? I just don't know how this would work. And too be honest im not even looking forward to the wedding. It upsets me that I can't have the big day I always dreamed of.

12 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Best answer

    Here's what I would do. Talk to your fiance and see if he can get his guest list down to the family members he's closest to and then his closest friends. Then tell him you're going to compromise (meaning you're giving up the idea of a destination wedding) by coming up with as many people as you can that will support you, whether it's family or friends. You don't need to aim for a 50/50 split - in fact, this often doesn't happen. You just want *some* people there for you.

    When you're figuring out who to invite, don't worry what your parents will say. Invite people who have been there for you. Include friends. Then make secondary decisions, like if you'll walk down the aisle by yourself, or a brother will walk with you, or whatever.

    It's not the big day you dreamed, but it's naive to assume most people get this. We don't. So work with what you have. And it's also critical that your fiance sees you can stand up to your family. I can promise he doesn't want your parent drama to mess with his wedding, let alone his life with you. Show him that you're putting him first. And only invite your parents if you are capable of telling each of them that they need to set their drama aside for one day. If they can't, they will be escorted off the premises.

  • 9 years ago

    This seems like such an impossible situation and I too, would resent being put in this position by a bunch of self righteous selfish relatives. Shame on them all.

    You have two choices:

    Plan a fairy tale vacation to a destination where you can get married and have a great honeymoon all in one. Then, come home and have a celebration and invite everyone. Tell the anti social beasts that if they cannot come and be civil, they are not welcomed to come to your celebration. Plan the celebration much like a cocktail party. This way you will not be pulling out hairs with the seating chart.

    Plan your wedding day as if everyone got along and let the chips fall where they land. Make the plans simple, without a sit down meal. Instead plan for punch and cake. Then, have an after party without the anti social beasts. And, if you must, let them know you are fed up with their boorish behavior and that is why they are not invited to your social function. It does not sound like you can cause any more of a rift than they have already done so themselves.

  • What a pickle!! I had a similar experience with my partners family. Most of them would attend the opening of an envelope especially if there was any booze to be had and I just knew that at least 2 of them would kick off, make a fuss and ruin our day. So we cancelled the whole thing and re-arranged a completely different day without his family. My partner was comfortable with this and it enabled us to have a fabulous meal at a 5 star hotel. After the meal, we stood up thanked every one for coming, told them we had left money for a cash bar and we then went off to the airport and flew off to our chosen holiday spot/honeymoon. What I am trying to say is you can please some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time. Do what feels right in your heart, it is YOUR day, no-one elses so be selfish, invite who you want and don't invite the others. Sorry about your parents but if they can't put their differences aside for one day, then they are just not worth it. I hope that you have the wedding of your dreams, that you and your husband live happily ever after. Good Luck and Enjoy Your Day! If you need a witness, I love weddings...

    Source(s): Personal experience
  • Actually i am in the exact same situation and I am having a very small wedding at my church next year with a cake and punch reception. I dont know if that would work for you, but we are not having any attendants but our kids. (I have three and he has two). That way I am not completely out of not having some sort of the wedding of my dreams in some fashion. We have both agreed to do this, so make sure that you both can agree with this in full without any regrets. It is only one day and make sure that you are clear on what you want to do no matter what. Your family should also respect that this is your day and keep you happy. But if they can't then yes it is best that you do what you gotta do. But if your heart is set on having a wedding, I would say go with it!! Good luck to you and congrats

    Source(s): personal experience
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  • 9 years ago

    I got married a few months ago and we had a similar problem. We were going to do it on a beach somewhere hot but instead we had a small and intimate wedding and went on a lovely honeymoon. You could have a few select people for the ceremony and have a big party inviting everyone.... No bridesmaids or fuss... just you, a gorgeous dress, your fiance and a few select people?

    All I can say is please do remember it is not about the wedding but the marriage and it is only one day. Whatever you do as long as you are both happy that is all that matters.

    Congratulations on the engagement and have a great wedding!!

  • 9 years ago

    It's a wedding

    You have different tables

    If you want a sit down dinner, do not seat people that do not get along at the same table

    You may put a table or two between them

    If they are adult they should be able to come to a wedding and behaving

    You can look into a destination wedding

    Where your close family and some friends come

    That you could have your dad walk down the isle

    I would sit down with your parents and his

    Talk to see what is do able

    Talk about a wedding, the two just going and getting married on a fancy trip or a destination wedding

    See what they say

    They may be more than will on helping you and making it easier for you

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    the church ceremony would be a good idea. i take it your parents aren't together if they can't stand each other but would they put their differences aside for your special day?

    but also if you don't want to have everyone on like tables and stuff because they might not get along you could get like a nice hall sort of thing and go with that but that would be hard to work.

    if you have no other choice in the end put your parents on different sides of the room and ask them to do something for you and be nice for a couple hours. with the bridesmaids you could have your close friends and everything.

    hope it all goes well

    Source(s): i'm 16 and i'm an ideas guy :)
  • 9 years ago

    If you are having one long top table [where you sit] could you not put one parent on either side? If family members aren't talking then you could just sit them at different tables at different sides of the room. This is your big day, you could talk to them, if they won't make peace for just one night then they shouldn't be at your wedding, it's an important day for you, they should be happy for you and showing you respect, not starting arguments, or just invite your friends who will enjoy your day and will be happy for you rather than selfish.

    Hope it all works out,, :]

  • 9 years ago

    Have a small wedding; have your fiance compromise so that he only invites a few of his really close family members and you invite a few of your family members out of respect; invite some mutual friends just to even out the guests - so have a wedding reception of just 50~ guests. you won't have to spend THAT much and you'll both be able to live with the compromise. and thn go somewhere AMAZING for your honeymoon :)

    Congratulations on your engagement ^_^ I hope you have a fabulous future with your husband-to-be!

    Source(s): mai brain :\
  • Nora
    Lv 7
    9 years ago

    I think the two of you need to elope if they can maybe his family can have a party for you when you return from honeymoon

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