So what exactly is my alternative to adoption in my situation?
So please, all the people who have nothing but judgments and criticism, please tell me what the alternative to my situation is.
I suffer from mental illness. Severe, debilitating mental illness. I self harm, have repeatedly attempted suicide, and at times I am actually a danger to others. I have a history of assault and other violent crimes, for which I was incarcerated in psychiatric care. In the past, I have had pets that I have killed. I don't think you can understand exactly how ashamed I am of that, it tears at me to think of the suffering I have inflicted in my darkest times, and God forbid that I do that to a child.
I grew up for the majority of my life in foster care. I aged out at 18. I have no siblings, no extended family save for an alcoholic uncle who is dying from cirrhosis. Both of my birth parents have passed away, and even if they had been living I couldn't have left a goldfish in their care. Due to my illnesses, and my past, I have no close friends. My illnesses are not easily controlled. I take my meds, but sometimes they don't work. Sometimes they're inconsistent and other times they need to be monitored an adjusted. I have NO way of knowing when a dark patch is going to hit, and when it does, I'm straight back in the hospital, often for weeks, sometimes even months at a time.
Don't people get it? If I keep this baby, there is a very real chance that I will harm it. Not because I'm a bad person. I'm really not. But when I fall I fall hard. I can't even have a cat or a dog anymore. And even if I don't hurt the baby, what happens every time I go into hospital? I grew up in foster care from 6 years old. I'm not risking my child going back and forth to different foster homes, I know what's out there. The baby's father is NOT an option. Please don't make me degrade myself further by explaining why. There is also no family on his side to take the baby-none who are suitable anyway.
I'm not looking for sympathy, and I don't expect everybody to understand. But please, I have had enough humiliation and hatred hurled at me my whole life. Online forums are really all I have to get me through this and all I'm asking is for people not to insult me further. I need advice, and I need help to make the best decision I can for this baby. I tried not to get pregnant, but I did. And now I'm trying to take responsibility in the only way that I can.