Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 9 years ago

Dad has 2 years to live - i don't feel anything?

Just found out my dad has really bad cancer and has anything from 2 months up to 2 years to live. My family are upset but I have never really got on with my dad, and I feel pretty much indifferent and i don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

I would like to fully explain all my dads problems and why he has them but to put it simply he has a few emotional / mental problems including anxiety attacks and depression, but I don't really know much about it and there are other things as well. I've never really got on with him or liked him except when i was a little kid, but then all kids look up to their parents no matter what. I've never needed him either, he is pretty immature and my mum looks after me and my three siblings (I'm the oldest and im 19) and is there for us. She also is the main income earner. Dad is a drain on the family resources, he only works a few hours a week and will nag and whine at mum to buy him sweets and other goodies like a child. He has stolen money before, once or twice tried to hit her, and barely brings in any income and expects mum to do all the houswork as well as a full time job. I would also like to point out that my mum treats him like another kid, and he has next to no responsibility in our home because of all of the above and he is rarely successful when he tries to get his own way.

My siblings are upset that he is going to die, and I figure that the reason I'm not is because I was the only one old enough to realise exactly what was going on when dad was going through some of his worst 'episodes' (by this I mean he is not violent and angry all the time, but these days he is less and less, but in the past he has been pretty bad and i was young and didn't understand and feared for me and my mum). I used to wish he would die so my mum wouldn't be upset all the time, and so we could live our lives without worrying about tip toeing around dad if he is angry, or trying to reason with him when he wants to blow all our money on a new tv or something. Mum never leaves him with my baby brother because he is so irresponsible.

My mum doesn't seem majorly distraught about my dad dying, and i think when he does go it will be a liberating experience and she will be happier without him. Then again she doesn't usually show her emotions unless they're really extreme. I think even if she will be somewhat relieved, she will still be upset because its the end of an era - they have been together for so long.

So all in all i don't like or need my dad, and i avoid speaking to him in general even though i live with him. Now that he is dying and I'm still indifferent im scared that im a bad person - and im not usually like this, its just iv learnt not to trust him and he is not a trust worthy person what with him stealing from his own family. Other charming memories include him reading my diaries as a child and teenager, which I was very upset about at the time, and him smashing up my belongings after i gave him cheek when i was 14.

Please help, why do i not feel anything?

8 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Best answer

    Because you have all these past impressions of him. my husband had a bad childhood with his dad and when his dad had cancer he really didn't care. We did move in his house until he died, he wanted his family together again. He felt remorse and told his sons, that he can o not change the past nor their views of him but he wanted them to know he was sorry and that he always loved them. When his father finally passed he felt nothing for 2 weeks then it hit him. his dad was gone and all the things he could have learned and the stories that could have been told. we will one day fullfil his father last wish when we get the finances. Note that this is your father he helped bring you into the world though he is dying you should still honor and respect him. He will always be your dad, you may not feel anything now but one day it will hit you, and hard it will.

  • 4 years ago

    You do deserve more. Is your name on the lease? His dad may be able to get his money back on the yacht in October, or he can just go with his dad, not your problem. The only problem I see is if your name is on the lease. Then you are going to have to have some serious conversations with that guy who has everything just the way he likes it. Time to start making some plans to be busy away from the apartment when he want to spend time on the computer or watching TV. You can go to the library or shopping, it doesn't have to be an affair with another guy, just busy. Best if you and some friends went out and you came home giddy and happy. Shake things up if you can't leave until the lease is over. And consider counseling. For yourself, for sure, and h=if he wants to save the relationship, maybe he will come along eventually.

  • men7al
    Lv 7
    9 years ago

    You don't have a bound with him and yes,his got his days counted but,you have your pride and he has to understand it even on his death bed.He did wrong and you can't forgive that overnight let him know that is not all good and done.

    only bc,your siblings feel like that you don't so,your not a bad person..just had a bad father..I also grew up with abusive father and I can say...I would careless if he dropped dead any day since,we left him and I was `12 yrs old and my mom bcame a single parent when in those days it was more taboo being a single mom.

    I know you have no respect and he does not deserve the praise.but,you should see a therpist so,you won't feel to bad about it in the end.

    (have no clue where my father is now been 16 yrs no contact) but my sister speaks with his family for some odd strange reason..I sure don't I have my pride and I don't like them either is fair game.

    Source(s): had abusive father who was also drug addict.
  • 9 years ago

    Having to deal with a family crisis of such magnitude is very hard to manage. Having the notion that you’ve immaculately witnessed to your dad’s behaviour at such an early age, could possibly change you as a person in terms of personality. Your having problems in which you’re not fully able to expose your feelings, but that’s only natural if your consistently looking back to past incidents. You have to let go of the past & look to the future in a more positive way. Always show a sense of decency even in the worst of times. If you’re able to do that, then you’ve reached the highest level of tolerance. Cancer is a deadly weapon & it’s unpredictable. Having said that, I wish your dad all the best & please go easy on him. Thanks.

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  • 9 years ago

    Hes your Dad. Even if he has not been a great dad. I would seriously make the most with the time you got left. You are going to look back and say 'i wonder what/why/how my dad....'. Dont ignore him, he knows hes not been a great parent and im sure he wants to have a good relationship with your family. Once hes gone, Hes gone. Not coming back. You have time to repair your relationship. Sorry it has to be in such harsh circumstances, but you will never know your real dad otherwise.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    There is nothing wrong with you because you don't gush feelings. I have only read your first and last paragraph and based on the content , you are not a bad person what he did to you was wrong, maybe he had his reasons but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. However you decide to deal with this, have no regrets. xx

  • 9 years ago

    You're not required to care.

    But know that death is final... should you say in a few years have a change of heart... it will be much too little too late.

    No parent is perfect... not them, not me, and not you if and when have kids. God expects us to obey our parents, not the other way around.

    What is required of you to show some compassion... not much!

  • 9 years ago

    I honestly hate my parents so much I wouldn't care either

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