I HaTe MySeLf So MuCh - I WiSh I wErE DEAD :O(?
Everytime I begin to enjoy something, I start to doubt my abilities. When people say things to me I tend to over analyse it and end up thinking that they hate me, much like my father did all my life.
I've never felt good enough in my life - was physically, emotionally and psychologically abused mainly my father generally to do with my appearance - I was never good enough, even when I did lose my weight he was still abusing and putting me down:O(
I watched him violently abuse my Mum and one of my brothers, as well as myself being the recipient of ongoing verbal abuse and beltings that would leave welts on my skin, was constantly threatened that he would hit me into next week, or belt me so bad I wouldn't be able to sit down for a week, ((which he did)), then made a mockery of me in front of my Mum sister and two brothers & encouraged them to do so as well while I had to stand to eat my dinner.
I've had enough of re-living the memories, having flashbacks & feeling re-abused by similar people in my life - my landlord, mechanic, & even my ex-psychiatrist.
Just losing the battle of wanting to live anymore - don't see the purpose. Just feel weird as though I don't belong and am a burden on everyone:O(
((((I dOn'T kNoW hOw To EnJoY aNyThInG..........nEvEr HaVe ReAlLy!!!))))