wantabfree asked in HealthMental Health · 1 decade ago

I HaTe MySeLf So MuCh - I WiSh I wErE DEAD :O(?

I have had enough of everything. I always feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, and feel like self harming on a daily basis, as well as suicidal plans going on in my head all the time.

Everytime I begin to enjoy something, I start to doubt my abilities. When people say things to me I tend to over analyse it and end up thinking that they hate me, much like my father did all my life.

I've never felt good enough in my life - was physically, emotionally and psychologically abused mainly my father generally to do with my appearance - I was never good enough, even when I did lose my weight he was still abusing and putting me down:O(

I watched him violently abuse my Mum and one of my brothers, as well as myself being the recipient of ongoing verbal abuse and beltings that would leave welts on my skin, was constantly threatened that he would hit me into next week, or belt me so bad I wouldn't be able to sit down for a week, ((which he did)), then made a mockery of me in front of my Mum sister and two brothers & encouraged them to do so as well while I had to stand to eat my dinner.

I've had enough of re-living the memories, having flashbacks & feeling re-abused by similar people in my life - my landlord, mechanic, & even my ex-psychiatrist.

Just losing the battle of wanting to live anymore - don't see the purpose. Just feel weird as though I don't belong and am a burden on everyone:O(

((((I dOn'T kNoW hOw To EnJoY aNyThInG..........nEvEr HaVe ReAlLy!!!))))

10 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favourite answer

    This sounds alot like my childhood. I am now 22 and even though life still gives me ****, i dont have to deal with my parents anymore. I dont know how old you are but now that im older i dont have to live with them and i can just try and live my life and forget about all of the **** that i had to go through. Everything that has happened to you is gone now. Its not happening anymore. So even though it still sucks just be happy that you lived through it and that you are a stronger person. Now thats its all over with you can just move on and not think about it anymore. I am still in the battle myself. I dont feel pretty, i feel fat, i feel like no one loves me, and i feel like nothing is ever going to get better. But you never know! At least it isnt as bad as it was when you were going through all of it! So it is better in SOME way! I just keep praying that things will get better. I am thinking of going to a psychiatrist. I think you should go back to yours (or a new one) and get some medication or something that might help. But dont give up yet. I havent! (someone please answer mine http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=201004...

    Source(s): me
  • 1 decade ago

    I know all some people can say is "I'm Sorry" and "It'll be okay". I know that it never ever will and all the "sorrys" will never change that. I can't stand to see someone in so much pain. I wish so much I could help you, but I'm not sure what to tell you. I know the feeling of wanting to hurt yourself and feeling suicidal. I know it all. I have never felt it to the extent you have, but I know the feeling. I had a terrible dad and was lucky enough to escape all of that and move all the way across the country. I know it will never, ever heal, and all I can tell you is just try, try to make it through. Something good will come from all of this pain. I know you don't think anything will, but one day things will change. This pain and suffering has undoubtedly made you a stronger person, whether you realize that yet or not. One day it will work out.

    "Life isn't easy. Bad things happen. You'll cry. You'll frown. But you'll also laugh and smile. Nobody ever said that living would be easy, but they did say that it'd be worth it. No matter the bad things that happen I will stay strong. . ."

    Take this quote to heart. Please.

  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    I was a bit like you as well. I never thought it was right to cry. Then I went through a really tough time breaking up with a girlfriend and was depressed for 2 years. Then I was lucky enough to meet someone who was really open about their pain and who basically taught me to cry and let go of the bad feelings. For me I was lucky enough to meet someone but I guess this isn't possible for everyone. 1. I really reccommend getting support from someone who will listen to your problems. If it is a hotline or even a councellor it doesn't matter, just go and talk to someone. And don't be afraid to cry... it feels like crap but it is part of the healing process. 2. Don't believe what others say to you or about you. Yes, not every girl in the universe is going to fall at your feet but there will be someone out there who will like you. One thing that I have learnt is that if you haven't sorted out yourself there is no point looking for a girlfriend. also STOP comparing yourself to others, you are the only person who can be you and there will be some things you are good at. You will find if you deal with your bad emotions and get a little self confidence then you will get better at doing whatever it is you want to do. There are plenty of people out there who have been through or are going through depression. So don't feel like you are alone. Good luck!

  • 1 decade ago

    life sucks no doubt about that but don't hate yourself, youve been threw some deep **** and believe it or not life WILL get better!! im not saying that once it does it will stay that way becasue life changes all the time but if we didn't go threw the bad we never could truely appreciate the good things about like, trust me ive been in a psyche ward and rehab but im still here and trying to make the best out of it i also suffer from deep depression but i use music as a way to keep me going. try and find somthing your ruely passionate about, it will help. pleaase don't kill yourself, you meet so many new people as time goes by and you never know who will come in your life and make it better, good luck and try and talk to a tharapist, they do help even though they can be a pain in the ***, stay strong!!!

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  • 1 decade ago

    I know how you feel and every day is a just one more day of misery. We are among the cursed who have something wired wrong in our brains and there is not a damn thing that can be done about it. If you don't have children or others that are depending on you, go ahead and do it. Just make sure you chose a method that works.

  • 1 decade ago

    woooow.omg that really sucks :^/ ..of i were you i would try to get me a boyfriend or a friend that REALLY undertsand me & who i can relate to to feel better.try to see if i can go live with grandparents or aunts{if they are nice & understanding to you} u dnt deserve all this misery my friend :^/ .. and don;t let what your father say put you down..that happens all the time.someone in the family or a scertain friend is always constantly putting you down -_- ..it really sucks..but just tyr to deal with it and find help..at night before you got o bed.really think about what can help..just remember that life gets better ...btw..im not gonna force anything ony ou buuuut...from personal experience ..with all the help & love i felt....turn to GOD...but this is only if you want to..i mean..not gonna force you like that but anywayz.u can also try to talk to a counselor at your school ..gud luck :^/ <3

  • 1 decade ago

    it really hurts me to read your words..because i have a sister that is the same way. first off..im sorry you have to go through all that and im sorry your father is the way that he is. but please understand that you survived it..you get through all the beatings and all the hateful words meant to tear you down. YOU ARE STILL STANDING. his power over you is only as strong as you let it be. take the power away and he has nothing...but please please...dont take your life away. think how you would feel if your mother or brother or sister were to take their life? think how much pain and hurt you would be in..and then switch it around..that is what you would be putting them thru. trust me its not worth it...my sister is slightly overweight..my dad constantly calls her names (embarasses her infront of family and at parties) and it hurts me so much that he can be so cruel. as kids he used to beat us up as well and when we were really young he and my mother also used to fight physically alot. they left us alone constantly for days at a time and idk how we survived it all..but we did. and i got out...my baby sister is the only one left and it kills me that she has to endure his constant verbal abuse day in and day out. i can only try to be there and talk to her..tell her i love her and that she is not alone. and neither are you.

    you are a beautiful and strong person. whether you see it or not..dont see what he has made you believe. look yourself in the mirror and search inside...im sure there will be a part of you screaming that he is wrong. and you must stand tall and get through all the hard times...one day you can move out and get away from him. honestly you should talk to someone you trust about how you feel..maybe a close friend or family member..even the nurse or counselor at school can be a shoulder to cry on. you are not alone in this..but please..dont let it be the end of you. your life is worth alot more than his hateful words.

  • 1 decade ago

    Forgive, Forget and Focus on GOD! He loves you and He created you for a reason. You need to stop focusing on others, you can not control what they think or do. Focus on GOD and helping yourself and others. Pray always and trust me you will see the positive results in your life and in your heart. I have been there, but when I help others and see how wonderful I can make someone else's life, it makes my problems seem so small. GOD will see you through this! I love you!

  • 1 decade ago

    assuming you're telling the truth-

    well, that's really awful. but you just need to forget about it, I guess. make some better friends, find a hobby, and really concentrate on the type of person you want to be, and be that person. just ignore people who put you down, because when they do, it only means that they're self conscious of themselves in some way or other as well.

    we all have problems that we face, but we all get through them.

  • 1 decade ago

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