am i too overprotective with my child?
I've known the father for 17 years(since high school). Our relationship has been off and on since then, never got too serious. After 3 years of not talking to him, he finds me on myspace, gets in contact with me, and we get together and make a baby! When i find out that i'm prego, i tell him and let him know that if he wants to be there for her he can but i will not ask at all. During the pregnancy we tried to talk but it always turned into an argument because he didn't agree with my suggestions. I never provoked his violent actions (verbally violent). I did let him know that things would change according to his actions. Be it as it may, he became very temper-mental, trying to stress me out, during pregnancy. Therefore I stopped calling him. He still called me though. His mother chose not to be involved until the paternity test came, I understood, but i still wanted to talk to her for just in case. Long story short, a month ago, the test revealed that he was the father, and now I'm he expects me to stop what i'm doing to allow him to come over. I don't want to keep him away, but i'm living with my parents now, he uses drugs and alcohol, in the middle of the day and while driving, and he has denied my child from the beginning. I believe that he has to earn his privileges since, even after 17 years, we still don't know each other. He has no job and doesn't really live in one place. His mother wants me to hand over the baby for the weekend, he wants to have her alone for hours, but i'm nursing. I don't trust him in my parents house because of his past and the way that he treated me for 9 months. when do i let her go with him or even let him watch her while i go upstairs to do something? i don't know how to let go! even with supervision he cant or won't change the diaper right, hold her right, calm her down when she cries, etc... My baby is 3 months
i have filed for child support, but i'm not trying to take 4 out of the 5 dollars that he has. not trying to get him for all he has. this is my baby. i am a single mother and if i have 2 days off during the week then he cant have both, and he cant seem to understand that. my girl is high maintenance. she still wakes up every 3 hours! mama's tired and working up to 50 hours a week, nursing, and pumping! not including the household chores that i have to to, even in my parents house!
- pragmatism_rulesLv 71 decade agoFavorite Answer
You aren't being overly-protective in my eyes but you aren't also complying with the law either. But there is a way to get the result that you want but you have to word it differently. Start by getting rid of the concept of "he has to earn his privileges" because no judge will accept that as according to the law, the father has an automatic right to know his child even if he is the worst kind of jerk!
Start by getting a GOOD LAWYER and stop trying to do this by yourself. (Personally I think it was a big mistake when you forced paternity on this man. Now you are stuck with him and I don't think this was in your child's best interest. But it is too late now!)
Then if you haven't been to court yet to set up visitation and child support (ie. if paternity is only established) do so now. Don't forget to ask that the child's father be required to pay for health insurance too! And when you set up visitation, make it clear that child's father has a drug and alcohol problem (even drives while intoxicated) to the court and ask that the judge make RANDOM drug/alcohol testing as part of the visitation order. And then ask for the visitation to be supervised only in a visitation center at his expense until he is past his drug/alcohol problem. And ask that he be required to take parenting classes as he doesn't know how to handle the baby!
Also make sure that the hours and days of visitation are strictly defined so the baby's father can't disrupt the baby's routine (make this about your child, not you and your needs...phrase things carefully!!!!!) by demanding that you hand the child over for visitation on a moment's notice. And most importantly, because you are nursing, you do not have to hand that baby over for a whole weekend or even overnight. Point out that you are breastfeeding your child and ask that visitation be limited to a few hours on Saturday's, Sunday's, and one or two evenings a week. (And have your lawyer check out the law in your state as many states now have a "tender years" law that means if a child is breastfeeding, he/she can't be taken on overnight visits until he/she turns 3.)
Go get that lawyer and show this answer. He will know what to do from there on. Good luck!
Addendum #1: As stressful as it is, until your custody is confirmed by the courts, let the child's father visit the child in your parents' home under your supervision or your parents. If he takes the child and refuses to return him/her, filing for custody himself, some politically correct judge will decide that breastfeeding isn't important and that the father should have custody. Don't let that happen...but at the same time, don't say that's why he has visitation in your parents' home...say it is because of the breastfeeding (explain this to your parents) and then tolerate the annoyance of his presence as it is the best of all evils!
Addendum #2: The next time you KNOW your child's father is intoxicated and behind the wheel of a car, you call the police and give them his licence plate number. Make this an issue about the safety of pedestrians and other drivers rather than the safety of your child and you should be listened too. And if he does get convicted of DUI, that will be excellent evidence for a supervised visitation order!
- JeanLv 44 years ago
being overprotective doesn't allow children to learn to do things on their own. One example, if a bully is harassing your child, removing them from school and home-schooling them wont fix the problem, because the child is "running" from the problem rather than facing it.The time of adolescence in an individual’s life is the time in which one grows physically, intellectually, and socially. Overprotective parents have started to stunt the growth and development of a child during adolescence. The problems that stem from overprotective parents are not only seen during the teenage years, but also carry over into young adulthood. Overprotective parents create socially, emotionally, and physically dysfunctional young adults through their intense focus on success for their children, rather than caring for them and doing what is best for them. This, in the end, will cause young people that have been victimized by overprotective parents to crumble under the difficult situations that life has to offer during the maturing process.The damage that is done to a child’s social skills by over bearing parents is something that cannot be repaired. Overprotective parents either pick and choose the friends their son or daughter can hang out with or they do not let them have a social life at all. This decision is harmful to the progression of a child’s personality. ). The psychiatric and emotional setbacks that a child faces when their parents make decisions that are vital in developing their identity are damaging in the maturing process of the child. Their is more, but I am only able to type so much, hope my response was helpful, I also wrote a paper on overprotective parents, so I'm pretty knowledgeable about the subject. Good Luck
- Uncle JoeLv 71 decade ago
You are right to be very protective of your child. I think you should carefully read the answer from "pragmatism rules" and do what that answer tells you to do. Get a lawyer, and take a copy of that answer with you when you go to see the lawyer.
The last thing said by "pragmatism rules" is more important than you probably realize. If you KNOW the father of your child is intoxicated and driving, call the police immediately - use 911, and provide the license plate number, a description of the car, his location, and where you think he might be headed. Write down his plate number and the make and model of his car in advance so you have it ready when you call 911. When you call, don't waste time telling your whole story. Be quick with the essential details about him, his car and his location. Then let the police do what they do well.
If he gets convicted of any crime related to being intoxicated, that will make it much easier for a judge to issue the most effective orders to protect you and your child.
If you call the police once, but they don't catch him, just call the next time you know he is drunk. Don't give up - ever. And don't ever stop being wisely protective of your child. Part of the way you need to protect your baby now is to hire a competent lawyer. In my opinion, that is the first thing you should do - unless you know the father is intoxicated and driving right now. If so, call 911, then look for and hire a lawyer to start protecting you and your baby. Unless you have to testify in court that you reported your baby's father for driving intoxicated,
DO NOT EVER BRAG TO HIM THAT YOU BLEW HIM IN!!!
This guy sounds like he'd actually hurt you - maybe badly. Never anger him for the fun of it, because it's very unlikely that it will be fun for you in the end.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
He has given you no reason to trust him.
They want to see the baby, fine. Make it at a set time and place each week, somewhere public like a park for a nice day and a coffee shop for wet days.
This is YOUR baby, and they have no right to just walk in and stake a claim when they choose to.
Make them prove themselves by meeting your under these circumstances on a regular basis for 6 months or so and see how you feel about them having access alone at a later date.
Good luck and dont let them bully you. xo
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- 1 decade ago
i'm going through something similar. My child's father I had known since elementary school, never dated though. Anyways he has anger problems, alcohol and drug problems as well. He threatens and calls and all that bs. He has never asked to see my son but he won't have him alone if he doesn't ever straiten up. My son is 1 year and his dad has never held him or anything. pretty sad. I would suggest trying to get child support, you just have to file papers with your sates department of social services. Google your state's name and dept of social services and the website will come up. With mine they came up with an amount and he contested it and then we had to go to court and it's now double. Which is his own fault. Anyways I would totally recommend doing that. Your child deserves the financial support of both parents. Child Support and Child Custody are two separate things. Custody should not be brought up at a child support hearing. I would keep your child's father out of his life for now since he had alcohol, drug and anger problems. You don't have to do anything as far as the custody goes unless the father requests a custody hearing. like I said my situation is similar to yours and I spoke with a lawyer because i was worried for my son's safety to be left with his father. The lawyer said to document EVERYTHING. Any test, call, visit he does. Especially anything out of the ordinary so you have proof of his anger, drug problems etc. She also told me to take pics of my texts. If he is harassing you etc don't be afraid to call the police, that is what they are there for. Or maybe yours isn't as crazy as mine. I know that might all sound crazy but when you have an Innocent baby involved you need to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to protect him. Your baby didn't be asked to brought into this mess so try to keep things as peaceful as possible. There are a lot of things I would like to say to my child's father but I hold my tongue to keep the peace. I just keep telling myself, my baby is in the middle of all of this. Best of Luck to you and follow your instinct, you are the only one who can protect your child.Source(s): Personal Experience AND NO YOU ARE NOT BEING TOO OVERPROTECTIVE!!!
- 1 decade ago
Naw... dont even let him see her at all. IMPORTANT: Go see an attorney to make sure all your custody issues are in order. Get a support order NOW, not later. Be ready to fight tooth and nail against all attempt of his to gain visitation. Save up money to fight him in court in case he gets a hair up his butt. Remember htat you're in a war now.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Tell him if he wants to see his child, he needs to get clean.If he threatens to take it to court, let him.And you be sure to let them know that he uses and they will require him to take NA/AA classes.
If he makes an effort, don't keep his daughter away from him or her grandma.Paternal families are just as important as maternal families.
- 1 decade ago
Not where Her Father is Concerned. He really needs to "clean up His Act"- before you allow Him to become a part of Her AND Your Life- again. And I think you're in for a LOT of Trouble- trying to get Him to see things YOUR Way... .. . :(
- joel95exLv 51 decade ago
since he is a f'd up loser, you shouldnt let the child near him. if he has a problem with that, then let him take you to court and while he's there, they can order him to get health ins and child support---i'm sure he'll wanna do that. his mother has no rights so tell her to f off. take care of your kid and forget about him. my stepdaughter's dad is like that and since he hasn;t done anything her whole life i told him to get lost and since he owes a ton of child support, he wont take us to court.
- 1 decade ago
I wouldn't like to have that kind of father... I think he needs help and you should always be with your newborn.