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Anonymous asked in Society & CultureEtiquette · 1 decade ago

Husbands who befriend a person they just meant for 4 hours.?

My husband goes to Starbucks before he heads to work every morning. He has talked to someone there for the past month and they decided to go and have lunch together. I'd called him the day he had lunch with her before 12pm lunch time and he didn't mention one thing about having lunch with this woman he meant within the past month at Starbucks. He told me about it that evening about his lunch with her. I asked him why would you have lunch with a woman that you have no connection with at work, through friends or our mutual friends. He said that she knew this place that made great Mexican food so they exchange emails. I don't care if he has lunch with his co-workers, friends that we know and mutual friends, but when he befriends some woman that he has only known for one month and the amount of time spent together is 4 hours then my red flag goes up. He said that it was nothing at all except conversation and that's all. I asked him why didn't he tell me that he was having lunch with her when he spoke over the phone right before lunch and he said he forgot. I told him that he over step the boundaries in our marriage by going out to lunch with this woman and he claims he disagrees because he did nothing wrong. If it got personal then that would be different he said, but it wasn't personal. He talked about himself, me our daughter and his life and that's called not "personal". She discuss her personal life and cost of living and that's not personal?

My concern is we've been together for 16 years and he has nothing like this before. My gut tells me that he is telling the truth about not crossing the line, but that's sexual. However, he did cross the line by taking a complete stranger out to lunch and not telling about it as he was going to meet her.

I completely trust my husband until this last incident. He said he can have lunch with anyone longs he doesn't and the other person doesn't cross the boundaries.

Please tell me what I can do in order for him to see that it was wrong what he did.

8 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favourite answer

    he knows its wrong to have lunch with this lady he is just trying to justify by telling you share the guilt make sure that you spoil him with his fav meal for dinner and an extra special desert his eyes may be straying but not his heart no harm done ..try a little special tenderness after all hes just a bloke good luck xx

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  • 1 decade ago

    I do not think there is anything that you can do to make him see what he already knows. I think he is full of crap if he says that he sees nothing wrong with it. I think nothing happened......yet. But he knows he is putting himself in a position where something may happen. That is why he never told you about the lunch or the woman before. He probably told you after because it just did not feel right.

    Your husband states that he can have lunch with anyone as long as he does not cross boundaries? I feel having lunch crossed the boundary. Married people should not put themselves in positions that they can start to fall for someone else.

    Maybe you can tell him married people should not put themselves in positions where they may eventually cross the line. If you see some attractive guy on the street and you start talking to him,,,,,then you start having coffee dates, then lunch dates, then movie and dinner dates, and you are getting to know him more and more and sharing more and more..... one day a boundary will probably be crossed. So the whole point is not to every put yourself in that position to start with.

    Source(s): both husband and i have friends of the opposite sex. in none of the instances are they people we met at starbucks. work, school, reading groups, running clubs...etc...not starbucks.
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  • 1 decade ago

    The whole thing may be perfectly innocent...but if it were me, my radar would be blasting, too! It isn't so much that something inappropriate HAS happened, as it is that emailing and lunching and (clearly) having a friendly relationship opens the door to the possibility that it MAY happen. Steering clear of temptation is always the wisest course.

    Of course your husband has a right to friendships, even with females, and even if he and you both believe that nothing untoward has, or will, happen. But the simple fact that it bothers you (and not unreasonably so) should be reason enough for him to disengage himself immediately. And the simple fact that he refuses to do so regardless of your feelings and objections, is grounds for your concern.

    It may be time to 'join' them for coffee one morning when you have early errands to run. And perhaps do so on a regular basis.

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  • 1 decade ago

    In matters of infidelity, the boundary is where the spouse who might have a problem with it being crossed determines it to be.

    There is nothing wrong with a married person befriending someone of the opposite sex AS LONG as they are completely forthcoming and transparent about it with their spouse from the beginning, and that spouse doesn't have a problem with it and is invited to all get togethers.

    Your husband crossed a line. Why he did and why he eventually told you, I can only speculate.

    I think you should suggest marriage counseling.

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  • Orla C
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    Oh calm down, you silly woman. So what if he wants to make a new female friend? What don't you suggest he introduce you to her?

    Having a meal and conversation with another woman isn't crossing any boundaries, unless they talk about them having sex together.

    You being so possessive is not going to make things better - if anything, it will drive him away.

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  • schihl
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    undergo in techniques the old asserting, 2 wrongs do no longer make a top. Going for the bestfriend will make you only like your husband or maybe worse in case you don it out of spite. it fairly is no longer the time to bounce right into a dating with the bestfriend. Grass might look greener while evaluating it to what you have. be certain in case you like your marriage first. in case you're performed along with your marriage then evaluate somebody else. additionally, be careful, the bestfriend might have come back because of the fact he knew of your husband's escapades and became watching for an affair with you. if so, he knew you would be vunerable and open to get carry of his advances. only because of the fact he acted bowled over to pay attention your emotions for him does no longer advise that he became. a similar know-how that made you think your husband of infidelity, use it for this guy additionally. You did no longer say which you do no longer look after your husband anymore. purely which you have emotions for this different guy and fairly bored stiff with the cheating and being on my own. those are actually not valid reasons to become in touch along with your husbands bestfriend. they are reasons to be attentive to that your marriage is in difficulty and issues might desire to be worked out. in case you will no longer be able to artwork them out or do no longer desire to repair your marriage, report for divorce, then bypass get your guy.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    If you completely trust your husband then what's the problem?

    Your gut tells you that he is telling the truth.

    What's the problem?

    What's wrong with that, as long as it remains that way.

    It's healthy for marriage if men & women keep it as that, and that it doesn't affect relationships and bring them home.

    Source(s): Been married 35 years. I have male friends outside my home, but it remains outside. It's not interfering my home life and he knows it.
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  • 1 decade ago

    So he had lunch with someone. Big deal.

    I think you are stressing over nothing.

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