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It's been over a month since my girlfriend passed away and I'm still numb?

I find it hard to get up in the morning. I just started University this week and I don't even want to go. I feel numb and just like I'm here, but not here, if that makes any sense.

There are times where I feel like I'm living again and I actually have energy to go out and have fun, but it doesn't last.

When I'm at school or with friends I act normal. It gets me through the day. When no one is around, I feel numb again..

Any suggestions or advice?

18 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favourite answer

    A quote cleverly echoed by Norman Cousins throbs in my head during those seldom, heartbreaking times of loss: "Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."

    From previous questions you have posted, I know that your girlfriend suffered from a rare form of blood cancer, and having had a close family friend who also lost her life from a similar condition, I can feel your wounds and the emptiness that seems permanently etched inside. Whenever I felt the hurt hurl an endless stream of bullets at me, I found solace only in sleep at night, and the words in the pages of books, but sometimes, the nightmares and the stories felt like nothing but putting a Band-Aid over an already-inflamed wound: It could only act as cover-up. The blood could soak through, and all efforts to terminate the lifeless thoughts were futile.

    In the grand scheme of things now, I can imagine how bleak things are looking. Death casts such a degrading spell on us. You feel your spirit weaken and your knees crumble beneath you. Having these feelings are definitely normal, but it will be so harmful if you keep them inside and let the hurt bottle up within you. Since I don't live in US/Canada, I'm not quite sure what might be offered overseas, but I am aware that there are self-help programs that teach how to cope with loss. At the very least, there are sections dedicated to this in bookstores, and even reading a brief passage on coping, what to expect, and how to deal with it will benefit you greatly.

    While your girlfriend's memory will permanently live within you, there are ways you can look back and recall the happier, livelier memories as opposed to the sadder ones. I remember you posting a question about 2 months ago to which Skylark answered beautifully. I'm absolutely positive that you did everything in your ability to make those last period of time immensely happy and heartwarming for her. Look back to that time when you painted her toes, watched a beautiful film together, or wrote her love letters. Poems are incredibly cathartic to me, so I will post a few below. I absolutely love "I carry you in my heart" by ee cummings. Let your mind drift back to that day where you held her hand and felt complete, and the love wash over like a refreshing wave. Let the nostalgia sink in completely, and embrace it like a hug, but don't let remorse or sadness stop you from feeling the bliss. Every day, devote at least 10 minutes to sit in solitude while overlooking a beautiful sunset or summer storm, and you will feel at peace.

    College is supposed to be one of the most incredible four years of your life, so you deserve to feel lighthearted and to live life to the absolute fullest. When spending time with other people, let yourself go. Let go of the inner grief that might stop you from being your highest potential. Laugh often, and soak the in the splendor of the moment. Nature is a blessing to me, so every once in a while, I just like to relax and let the wind be a soundtrack to my day. When you're by yourself, it's easy to let your hair down and it's obviously harder to distract yourself from thinking about her. Think of it this way: The more you convince yourself not to think about her, the more you will feel tempted to, because the forbidden fruit is always the sweetest. Instead, relish those moments when you're alone, and reflect on what a great day you had, and play them over once again in your mind, as though you're letting her experience your happiness.

    You must do the thing you think you cannot do. Don't look at a day as being something you have to "get through", think of it as something you need to seize and live with passion. Free those painful emotions, let them flutter away. Once you let go, and dream in technicolor, peace will be on its way.

    Think of it this way: Your girlfriend would want nothing more of you than your happiness.

    "To live remains an art which everyone must learn, and which no one can teach." ~ Havelock Ellis

    "There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough." ~ Nicolas Sparks

    I can tell from the way you are unafraid to express yourself that you will lead a meaningful and purposeful life, so let go of your inhibitions and live them for her.

    ~ Francesca

    Edit: Having read Lark's answer, I'm a little weepy with nostalgia. Nolan, I really hope things will work for you. Remember to always have faith and believe in a silver lining, because you will see the sun again soon.

    : )

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  • Jane*
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    I'm sorry about that Nolan losing a loved one is very hard. It's okay to cry and feel bad, it's only natural to feel grief and there is nothing wrong with it.

    I think you should try to talk to someone you love and trust about how you feel or find someone (in real life) who has lost a loved one. Talking stuff out and not knowing you're the only one who's been through this may help you.

    I would also suggest joining a support group for people who lost loved ones, they can be very helpful and also not making any major life changes at the moment take things slow.

    Here are the four stages of grief:

    1) Shock or denial (the numbness you are feeling)

    2) Explosive reactions

    3) Despair and disorganization

    4) Acceptance and reorganization.

    You may not get to the 4th stage today, tomorrow or even in a some months but it will come, please don't give up.

    Good luck and remember there are people that care about you.

    Source(s): And one more thing Nolan I know this doesn't mean anything big, but I did message Hazel a little over PM and she was so friendly, I didn't know her in real life but I bet she was an amzing person.
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  • 1 decade ago

    Awww Nol! I'm so sorry. ;[

    You're in shock.

    It hasn't completely registered yet. You're active, but not mentally.

    Of course you'll feel numb, you just lost someone you love.

    The best you can do is try to take it one day at a time.

    The pain will heal with time, but it will never go away.

    I'm sorry again.

    It's horrible that she passed away.

    :'[

    Cry when you need to. Cry in front of your friends. It doesn't matter. Don't be afraid to.

    Focus on studies or a hobby.

    I hope things get better!

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It's completely normal for you to feel like that. By the way you described, it seems like you're doing pretty ok for it just being a month. As time goes on that numb feeling will lessen and the feeling for you to live will last longer. It's just a matter of realizing that life goes on. And you may never get over your girlfriend's death, you'll just learn to live without her and move on.

    Time heals all wounds. Sorry about your girlfriend.

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  • 4 years ago

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Wow that must be tough. The only time I've experience a devastating death was when my grandpa died. He lived next door. Secretly, every night I would go on his doorstep and cry for about an hour. I was 9 years old. Crying so much made me feel better just being near his house. His picture was in the front page of the newspaper so I put the newspaper under my pillow so he was with when I was sleeping. If you feel numb while your alone put pictures of her up. Have her favroite things near you. But if you you feel empty maybe you should go to a therapist to help deal with your grief. I'm truly sorry and hope this helps.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Sorry for your loss. I say follow these steps.

    1. Mourn: It's okay to cry, remember that. It's okay to feel angry, depressed, regretful, guilty, etc. These emotions are apart of mourning. Shock is the first stage of numbness, disbelief and unreality. Talk about what has happened until it becomes real. Talk to caring family and friends, attend a support group, begin individual work with a mental health professional, but find a way to speak about the person who died and how the death has impacted your life and family. Tell the story until you don't need to tell it anymore. Chances are, you will be close to acceptance at that point.

    2. Acceptance: This is the stage when you're able to come to terms with the loss. To understand what and why this has happened. It's okay to remember, and wonder, and still ask "Why?" or "What if..", but once your in this stage, you'll notice better days. A sense of relief. Accepting doesn't mean to forget the person who has passed, but to remember and be okay with the loss.

    3. Moving on: People get under assumption that "moving on" is to forget the loved on, that is NOT the case. Moving on is finding that closure you didn't have before. That reassurance that person is no longer in pain, and one day you'll see them again ( According to your personal beliefs ) and that each day that passes by, your a day closer to seeing that special someone again.

    Sorry for you loss, and I express and send my condolences to you, and the family.

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  • Orla C
    Lv 7
    3 years ago

    It's only been a month, pet. You don't snap out of grief, it takes a long time, and it's different for everyone. You need at least a year to properly come to terms with it.

    I'm very sorry for your loss.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    That's completely normal.

    What you've got to try and do is just keep yourself occupied. Go out with friends, have a laugh and be a normal uni student. Thats what your girlfriend would've wanted right? She wouldn't want you to feel like this.

    I hope your okay and you will get through this.

    (:

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  • 4 years ago

    First thing, Do not over text her. She will get annoyed and if you keep telling her "TAKE ME BACK I LOVE YOU." Learn here https://tr.im/JAss7

    She will not want you even more. You need to show her that you don't need her and can live your life without her. She still cares about you I am sure. Maybe try "flirting" with other girls around her to make her jealous. I know its bad, but if i saw my ex flirting with someone else it would make me REALLY ANGRY. However, you still need to show her you care about her too. Show her what she's missing and remind her of it. Be confident and don't show your broken heart. Try ignoring her? Girls hate that. You want her to come to you. Once she does this YOU have all the power.

    She will realize what you mean to her and she will hopefully come crawling back. (I am in the same situation as you, except I am the girl trying to get my ex back). Try not to be so clingy and give her space. But try to be around so she sees you, but don't talk to her much. Keep convos short and if you txt her, which you shouldn't, then also keep it short and bland. This will be hard to do because you just want to let her in your life again, but you can't. If you show her that you are desperate to get her back, she won't go for it. Make her come to you and REMIND her of all that she is missing out on. Hope this helps. And trust me, I know how you feel. Girls usually come around easier than guys so you should be lucky. ughh wish i could say the same.

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  • 1 decade ago

    It's too bad you had to lose someone so close to you. But if you feel better with friends, then you shouldn't let yourself be alone.

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