What do you think of this small piece of writing?

This is just a little piece of writing that I *whipped* up this afternoon. (I know, sounds like a poor excuse, but I truly did only do it this afternoon!)

Please leave a comment on what you thought of it and what could be improved.

Thanks

~floo

I stepped outside and was disappointed when I found the weather dull and overcast. Clouds carpeted the sky, meshing together to block out the sun. It was chillier than I expected and I drew my thin jumper closer against my shoulders, wishing regretfully that I had brought my thick woolen coat with me. Rubbing my hands quickly together, I walked briskly out of the small front gate and down the footpath, eager to get out of the cold. I had timed leaving home precisely so that I wouldn't have to wait long before the bus arrived at the stop. It was a good thing I did so. It was too cold to be waiting around in this weather and I didn't want to get a chill. I walked to the end of the street and waited under the small roof that the bus stop provided. It was quite ridiculous really. When the rain pelted down the shelter was useless, the rain just came straight in; I might as well just stand out in the rain. That's exactly what happened. Within the short two minutes I waited, it started to rain. Heavy and relentless. Infuriatingly heavy and relentless. I looked upwards and cursed the sky, pulling my wet hair up into a bun. Through the sound of the battering rain, I heard heavy footsteps from behind me. Michael was walking casually along the footpath shielding himself from the rain with an umbrella. Damn. Why hadn't I thought of getting the umbrella? “Did you forget to dry yourself when you were in the shower this morning Josie? You look awfully wet.” He said sarcastically, brandishing the umbrella temptingly at me. I just rolled my eyes at his poor excuse of humour. Well, he was wet too, but still not as dripping as I was. I tried to snatch the umbrella from him, but he whipped it backwards, leaving me grasping at bare air. Sometimes my brother really irritated me with his childishness. I turned around to face the road and saw that finally, the bus was arriving. It was too late now to head back home to get fresh clothes, I would just have to dry out, during which I would probably catch a chill.

6 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I like this.

    You write very well:-) Like all good writers, you know how to make the reader feel as though they truly are there, experiencing the cold winter day with your character.

    However, I think that your opening could use a little work. For example you do not need to note that the weather was chillier than expected - the fact that your character draws their thin jumper close and wishes they had brought their jacket is proof enough of this.

    Also, don't forget the importance of the opening sentence. The opening sentence is a hook which needs to draw your reader in. What you have is good, but I think that you have it in you to do better. Personally, I would change the first part of the sentence very slightly to "I was disappointed to find the weather dull and overcast" (The fact that you describe your character pulling their jumper close and wishing they had brought their jacket is proof enough that they have just stepped outside - can you see how powerful that small description is?)

    Best of luck with your writing Floo Powder, a very good first draft.

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  • 1 decade ago

    It's good - adjectives well used, though with a bit of repetition. Watch out when she arrives at the bus stop as well. There is a brief, uneccesary skip into the present tense, and I think it would be better to leave it until after the rain starts before describing it (this very much confused upon first glance.

    Last thing: when she grabs for the umberella, you use the term "bare air". This doesn't really make sense. I'd just say "the air", or the clichéd "thin air". Or even to dress it up with adjectives such as "damp", "wet" or "heavy" air.

    Just some suggestions, but it's a good essay for a character set-up, the scene is well established and the siblings' quarrelling believable.

    =]

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    nice, I don't usually read the articles people put up here but this article caught my attention from the start ,I believe a good story has a catchy and mysterious beginning which does not tell you whether the story is horror ,thriller,or romance and you have just achieved what I personally call a perfect prologue, I would like to read on

    Source(s): my oppinion
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  • 3 years ago

    no longer too undesirable. the 1st few sentences contradicted one yet another. working example, “pass away,” I murmured, preserving up my gun. “i do no longer decide for to kill you, so merely piss off.” Your character is almost a tricky a$$, yet she's murmuring? that doesn't make experience, you may try using a notice with a extra assertive connotation. occasion 2, "She walked with self belief and likewise somewhat with concern, i ought to experience and experience it." no longer in common terms replaced into this sentence perplexing, yet you have been exhibiting instead of telling. confident, the assailant replaced into strolling with self belief and you have been able to "experience" and "experience" it yet how have been you able to %. up in this? it may be much less annoying for the reader in case you created a seen image(what did you spot that led you to this end?). additionally this actual word merely did no longer experience good, "concern etching over all of her features now". i'm getting what you have been tying to place across yet i think of you need to discover a extra eloquent thank you to assert it. working example: concern colored her expression yet replaced into in the present day washed away/replaced by using/with confusion.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Wow, that sure is a lot of adjectives.

    I know adj.'s are good but there is like a million. I think it is distracting for some reason.

    Source(s): It's okay but please do get rid of some or like lots of those adj.'s
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  • 1 decade ago

    I think it was pretty good, kind of a "slice of life" article.

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