Is this a good start for a teenage/young adult novel?
Its the start of my novel. This part, part one, introduces the main character Ana. Part two introduces Mae, who she then falls in love with and I won't give away any more. To read more of this story, go to: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AimF_...
The time of year was unseasonably warm for the city of Pallaidia. The winter’s snow usually fell like grey bricks on the aged buildings, coating them with rat-grey ice, until the spring thaw let them emerge, sometimes as completely new buildings. The Lord’s Houses and the Palace were the only buildings that ever stayed uncovered by the snow, due to the toil of thousands of servants. This was the time of year the vagrants of the city, who almost outnumbered those with secure homes, sought shelter in abandoned buildings, in porches or under bridges. That was why the bench in the Great Garden was unoccupied; save for a small brownish lump, which on closer inspection was a child. That was also how the Guild of Assassins found its newest neophyte.
Two figures cloaked in shadow sat on another bench, conversing in whispers.
“The child obviously has nowhere to go,” hissed a young, female voice.
“We cannot risk another spy, Endra,” whispered a deeper voice.
“Would they go as far as to plant a child out here? They must know we don’t usually pick up random vagrants. They know we know they are often untrustworthy,” she murmured.
“Fine. If it’s a spy, we kill it. If it’s a vagrant child, we enrol it. Deal?” he muttered, obviously tired of the short argument.
“I know how much you hate being wrong, don’t I? What else is it worth?”
“Two gold coins?”
“You’re pushing it,” he growled.
“Two and fifty silver?”
The two figures made their way to the other bench. The first, female voice belonged to a tall, willowy figure. Her gold hair shone like the sun in the soft lamplight. Her tight clothes displayed her young body to the world, but also showcased the set of throwing daggers at her waist, and the tattoo on her forehead marked her as a senior assassin of the Guild. She probably had a hundred weapons concealed about her body.
The other figure, the man, was not quite as tall as his female companion. He had a thicker, fatherly body mostly concealed in a long, brown leather coat. He wore a hat, either to disguise his balding head, or to conceal the tattoo of an assassin identical to the one on the woman’s head. His footsteps pounded on the yellowed winter grass. He took his hat off as they neared the bench.
“’’Scuse me, child. Mind if I ask what you’re doing out here a’ this time o’ night?” The man said. He was the talker, and the woman was his backup. The subtle and the actors got far in the Guild, not just the fighters.
The child didn’t as much as stir.
“Is it still alive?” pondered the woman.
“Hush, Endra, I think its breathing.” He laid his hand on the brown form. “Little one? Sweetie, it ain’t safe for kids around here,” That seemed to have more effect. The brown bundle squirmed a little, and then pushed itself up to sit facing Endra and the man.
“Sweet Gods,” swore Endra. The child had four circles cut into the skin of its right cheek. Even in the dark they were visibly deep. Its hair was plastered with blood to its forehead and neck, so there were probably more cuts in the hairline. The child was perfectly androgynous.
“I’m Nelkar and this is Endra. We’re here to help you, take you somewhere safe. Would you like that, huh?” the man spoke softly, enticingly. The child nodded shakily, afraid they were going to hurt them more. Nelkar stretched out his arms, and the child fell forwards into them happily. It hadn’t seen much love in its years.
“We’re going to the Assassin’s Guild. Do you know what that is?” asked Nelkar. The child shook its head.
“Ha ha, you owe me two and half gold!” cheered Endra. The child shrunk back at the shouting, snuggling down into Nelkar’s arms.
“Shut up, Endra. I’ll pay you when we get back, just shut up.” He kept his voice low, but not menacingly so. The child weighed almost nothing in his arms. “Let’s go.”
And so they set off towards the Guild House, down the uneven cobbled roads. They walked slowly; the thin sheet of freezing water was turning to ice rapidly, becoming slippery. The child was sleeping again, breathing softly against the leather of Nelkar’s coat. He was glad it was there, since the weather was cooling as the small hours crept up and the moon rose eerily.
The streets of Pallaidia wound like snaked through the underbelly of the city, only straightening out and well maintained near the centre, where all the Lord Houses were, leading to the Palace at the centre of town. The assassins were glad of the crazy layout though, it made for better escapes and better secret places for the Guildhouse, which was changed every time the seasons turned. The Guildmaster, the leader of the Assassin’s Guild, was usually changed every month, murdered
i'm not that good at writing in third person, so sorry if its crap
- FlutterbyLv 51 decade agoBest answer
Your writing style is mediocre, but it and the story definitely have potential; this made me want to read more. Reminds me of how I wrote when I was younger...and I got out of the rut without advice. So, to avoid steering your writing in a direction it'd be better not going, all I can say is practice. Keep writing until you get bored with it. Then, let yourself step back for a week, a month, a few months, whatever. Read it again, and you'll be able to see things that escape you when you've just written it (it's like reading a word over and over until it stops making sense).
- detrolioLv 43 years ago
Excessive ingesting of alcohol or medicines by means of a teenage man or woman - If you're advertising it then it isn't appropriate, nonetheless if it is only occurs to crop up within the tale and there are factors for it then no quandary. Excessive swearing - If you're going for realism, no quandary. However dressed in for the sake of swearing is not imperative. Having stated that allot of mothers and fathers could have a quandary with their kids of thirteen studying a booklet with allot of dressed in. Sex scenes, adding rape - If you're aiming it at younger teenagers then I might say no, specifically to the rape, nonetheless older youngster (approximately sixteen+) it must be first-rate, if performed tastefully. Self-damage - This is a giant facet of distinctive youngster cultures on the second and it anything they may be able to relate to, nonetheless you must no longer market it and it must be performed tastefully. Sadistic acts of cruelty and violence to susceptible folks corresponding to ladies or kids - A touchy area, nonetheless if performed within the proper method and performed is primary to the tale is may also be appropriate, despite the fact that the more youthful teenagers is also suffering from it and even in view that making an attempt it out so make certain you're no longer advertising it. Murder by means of a primary-character protagonist - Completely is dependent upon how it is performed. For illustration voldermort in harry potter murders and it's first-rate for more youthful folks to learn - nonetheless when you write anything that may significantly have an impact on a tender individuals intellectual wellness after studying it or cause them to desire to check out it then its a no. Suicide - Again is dependent upon how it's performed, don't market it. With all of those I consider that they may be able to be used if there's a purpose to make use of them and it's performed within the proper system.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
The last part was kind of Weird imo. you should've revealed how the Guilmaster changes in a later part. to build suspense. coulve been like
they met the guidmaster and then you can say that he'll probly not last long. and then say why.
thats just what i think, but it looks pretty good.
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- 1 decade ago
No offense but I read the first line and I basically fell asleep.