Confused over what to do with my suicidal teenage daughter?
Hello again, I have posted a question before but I'd like some solid advice.
My daughter does not like anyone touching her, does not like to be bothered and spends all of her time alone even when we have company. It is as if she lives in her own little world. Amongst other things, I've found quite disturbing images on her computer.
Today, I was looking at her calendar on her iPod to check out when her driver's ed appointment was, and I saw written "kill self" as a task for yesterday. Of course she didn't, but I found that a bit odd to place on a calendar.
Last night she, my husband and I were having an argument over dinner. It lasted around two hours, she was in bed the entire time because when my husband started trying to reason with her over dinner, she was already in bed. This was around 10:30. It ended shortly before 1 AM, and my husband and I went to bed around half an hour later. As I passed by her room, I could hear her crying violently (yet not loud enough to be heard except right outside her door) and whispering what sounded like "please kill me," to herself. I don't know how long this went on but I went into her room before I went to work in the morning and she was not crying.
She argues constantly and is constantly belittling me. It really takes a toll on my self-esteem. I am a bit sensitive and she knows that, yet she never stops arguing, she has even said on a few occasions that she hates me. She wakes me up when I'm meant to go to work, claiming that she feels sick but can't talk loud enough for me to hear (I wear earplugs in the morning) explaining it, so when I tell her to speak up she just leaves. She does this multiple times and after a while, I admit I get very angry. I have said things about her being worthless, lazy, trashy, sl*tty and that I hate living with her but it was always after an argument. When I do get physical with her it rarely leaves bruises, if it does they are usually not even very large. I've played mind games with her and manipulated memories she has but the reason I am saying this is because I am a changed person. I am getting help and have been in therapy for two months.
Anyway, I have no idea what to do with my daughter. I've been logging her chats for the past few weeks and she's still talking to the older men, I've even found some disgusting personal pictures of theirs on her Received Files folder. I have no idea if she sends them anything, but I don't know how to stop all of this. Kids need the internet, they need their internet, if not for fun for school.
My daughter is 16 now, almost an adult. Any advice appreciated. If you want more information, here is my older question: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ApSRz...
- CCLv 61 decade agoBest answer
"I've played mind games with her and manipulated memories she has but the reason I am saying this is because I am a changed person. I am getting help and have been in therapy for two months."
My question is why isn't your child in therapy. You are telling us the problems your kid has, but you were the one who went to therapy. Am I getting this right. I don't understand why you are not getting professional help for your kid, if you haven't. Are you suffering from psychological disorder? Not trying to insult you, just want to know the reason you go to a therapist.
Okay... You need to get your kid to see a professional as soon as possible. There seems to be something that happened when she was about 12 that is traumatizing her. From what you are telling us, it seems like you have your suspicion, too.
You need to save evidence of the person she is contacting with in her internet. It's against the law what that man is doing even if it is condoned by your daughter. You need to report it to the authority about it before it gets out of hand.
From what you have written, you, your husband, and especially your daughter need to seek professional help, who can give you better diagnosis/prognosis.
The help you are looking for, for your daughter, can't be found here at Yahoo. You don't know who the people are giving you advice or their expertise. It's almost like I'm not sure about the seriousness of your questions or agenda, Roberta/Mary. If you are just playing around or something, you should stop. If you are that 16 year old kid, then you really need to keep going to your therapist.
- 1 decade ago
Honestly, this scares me:
"I have said things about her being worthless, lazy, trashy, sl*tty and that I hate living with her but it was always after an argument. When I do get physical with her it rarely leaves bruises, if it does they are usually not even very large. I've played mind games with her and manipulated memories she has"
How do you expect her to believe that you have changed after only two months?
Change takes TIME.
Your trying to earn her trust back is going to take more TIME than two months.
How could you treat someone like that then expect them to turn around and forgive you just like that?
Maybe you should try to get her to go to therapy. Don't force it on her, or she'll resent you even more.
Talk to her, tell her how therapy is working for you and how you think she should try it too.
I think you both have a lot to work on, and now I'm worried and I don't even know you.
- Holly GolightlyLv 51 decade ago
You're daughter is obviously in a lot of pain, but even though she's almost an adult, she doesn't have the skills to understand why or to know what to do. The weird behaviors, almost reaching out but not really—like pretending to be sick—are like stabs in the dark to see if she gets her needs met. She doesn't really know what she needs though, so even if she were to get it, she wouldn't know it and might not accept it.
Here's the hard part. You need to work on you, not her. That doesn't mean ignoring her, obviously, and it sounds like you are trying to do that.
But at some point, you'll have to take responsibility for "failing" her, if you really want her to stop suffering. This is not an accusation. You are someone else's child working through the dysfunction they left you. When you're ready, you'll be able to tell your daughter, "I'm sorry. I was doing my best, but I know I wasn't meeting your needs like I should have. That was my fault, not yours." Something like that.
The words aren't what's most important. It's the act of taking responsibility and acknowledging through your action that things have been awry, that it's not her fault and that you're going to do something to fix it. Think of it more like having a car wreck while you were fighting. You would shift into adult mode, taking the initiative to do what's right (calling for help, making sure everyone's OK), and you would simultaneously reassure her everything's OK, that it's not her fault.
These actions DEMONSTRATE that you are being the adult, and that makes children feel safe. She may not understand this consciously any more than she understands what's going on right now. And even though she's almost 16, there's still a scared child inside of her who needs to know she's safe. It's probably been a long time, if ever, since she was certain of her surroundings. The fights between you and your husband, even if they weren't about her, may have left her not knowing that she had a completely safe place to be.
Try not to focus on her specific behaviors. They're symptoms of the real problem, not the cause. Her obsession with suicide may really just be that she hurts, and death seems like the only thing she can think of to make that stop. It might not be that she really wants to die. But at 15, she doesn't know what else to consider to make the painful feelings stop.
Finally, remember not to make this all about her—except to reassure that she matters, her feelings matter. But google "identified patient" to make sure you're not inadvertently making her one. The "IP" is the person who becomes the focus of scrutiny in a family who's avoiding looking at themselves. You sound like you're looking at yourself—and you deserve to heal, too. But if there's a history of looking at her problems, she (the IP) can come to feel like everything is her fault or like her life is under a microscope.
Hope some of that helps. Take what works. Leave what doesn't. Good luck.
p.s. Some people's points about the way you've treated her causing this are valid, but it won't help anyone to beat yourself up over it. Your therapist can help you forgive yourself and take responsibility. Be prepared for her to get angry at you—let her. It's part of the grief process. That's probably down the road, but remember, this will take time, and it will be a rough road. If you truly are committed to change, lots of things are going to change. And your health and well-being not only matter as much as anyone's, but they are also the key to helping your daughter. You both deserve healing. Read "The Family." Good book.Source(s): Web info on identified patients: http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&... "The Family" by John Bradshaw. He explains family dynamics really well. It's easy to read. You may gain a better understanding of yourself, and in doing so, you can help your daughter.
- 1 decade ago
I am 13. I went through a time like your daughter is going through. A time when I almost killed myself. I didn't have any friends and everyone hated me and made me cry. So I was sick of it, so I took the big kitchen knife and held it in front of my heart. But then, my brother looked at me and said "Don't kill yourself! Please!" so I put the knife down. All I needed was to know someone cared. I was about 9 at the time or 10. But maybe your daughter just needs to know people care for her. If you would like, she could email me and she and I could be friends. I wouldn't mind. But I can't meet her anywhere becuase that isn't safe. Sorry. But I can chat with her. I don't have facebook but I have yahoo (obviously) maybe I can help her. ^ _ ^ I think all she needs is a little light in her life. I mean, I still say things to my parents like I'd wish I would die and stuff, but I don't mean it. So please consider me as a email pal for her. (you should monitor those chat logs too)
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- DatxLv 61 decade ago
I hope things get better for you. It smells of an attention ploy mixed with raging hormones. I am 16 and I have had the same sort of urges. Look at this site it has some good expert information and you can email an expert. http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ Near the bottom of this site is a link to the samaritans and an online therapist. Talk to the suicide hotline for more help. She will probably not go for this herself, but talk to the experts so you're better prepared. Take her to a doctor or therapist.
- 1 decade ago
honestly lady its called being a teenager. what teenager likes to be touched or hugged by there parents. we just want to be left alone. and why the hell would you ever call your daughter lazy, trashy or any of the other **** you do, if she is your only daughter you are going to screw up your relationship with her fast if you keep being they way you are. she is your only daughter charish the few years you have with her because they do go by fast, and before you know it she wont be around and then you will be regretting everything. just try to get her to go with you for therapy maybe you can go some mother daughter therapy with her. try to find out what she likes to do and try to have like a girls day out thing. and who knows maybe she'll change a bit. but dont confront her about the things you found on the computer until she agrees to go to therapy with you because if you do then she will feel like she cant trust you and she willl grow even more distant, just let her come to you on her own time. and stop beating her, just because it dont leave bruises doesnt mean its ok. maybe she is distant because she is scared. ever thought of that.
- 1 decade ago
Here are some things to do:
-Stop physically hurting her (Even if it doesn't bruise, it's illegal)
-Stop verbally hurting her
-Talk to the school's psychologist - they'll put your daughter on a watch list, and that should help her out
-Does she have any extracurricular activities? What does she do for hobbies, or what does she enjoy? Encourage her to spend more time on those things
And seriously, stop invading her personal life. Logging her chats? No matter how inappropriate they are, doing things like that undermine your daughter's trust, and that will make matters SO much worse.
Don't look through her iPod calender... even basic things like that are really sketchy.
- DDMQLv 41 decade ago
She is depressed, she might of undergo a severe change. She could be bisexual or a lesbian, could have been made fun of at school, and i hate to say this but YOU might be the problem. Yelling at her, calling her names, being violent. Also, is she emo or goth? You know have black hair, wear black clothes, looking at graphic things. Confront her when you have an idea about why she is suicidal. Take her to a doctor, but i can't really help unless i know whats causing this for her. And check her wrist, make sure there is nothing sharp. Please do so, it will buy you some time. I suggest looking for sharp object in her room and removing them. Watch her carefully, she is like a time bomb. Also, was she always sad? Did she have a traumatizing even happen to her? But still always watch her, even for one second when you look away she could be dead.
- wowzer9Lv 61 decade ago
well you can start by not verbally abusing her...perhaps she needs to be in these therapy sessions with you and perhaps you should check to see if she is on some type of drugs or is she being ostracized at school....you as a parent should this. teenagers are rebellious and they need guidance, you may be responsible for your daughters actions and not even know it.
- 1 decade ago
You have to check her facebook, im sure there is information there will help you. A facebook password can be cracked. But everytime someone puts posts new methods facebook patches that method in a week or less. I am able to retrieve passwords, private profile views, private photos and even the history of the user and who they have looked at. Email me with your request so i can help you.