Cassie
Lv 6
Cassie asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

is this first bit of my story ok ?

Chapter 1:

“Yeah, well I want a refund!” the man yelled at me at 9:07am on a Sunday morning. I was knackered and couldn’t really be bothered to argue with this fool standing in front of me waving a receipt. I had a massive hang over from Saturday partying and didn’t no I would be covering for someone today at ‘Petals’ which is a retail shop.

“I’m sorry I will happily return it” I said so not happy rubbing my forehead. He was like an annoying song that I couldn’t shift out of my throbbing head.

“Not good enough I want to see the manager, I have a complaint” a complaint didn’t cover the anger he was throwing on my so early in the morning – Sunday morning.

“Yes, right away, but what was wrong with the item you purchased?” I closed my eyes and went to my ‘happy place’ HA!

“It tore as soon as my daughter put it on her and it was the right size for her, it also had a huge stain on the inside which I could not see when buying it!”

“Well why didn’t your daughter try it on before you bought it?”

“Because it was a present and it still doesn’t take away the fact that it had a stain inside it!” he bellowed making my head hurt twice as hard. Grrr...I wanted to punch him and send him flying into space. He was pretty urgent and annoyed to come here just after the shop opened at 9:00am.

“How much was it sir?”

“Twenty quid” he laughed. “I wouldn’t pay twenty pee for it now!”

“Ok, I’ll get the manager out here.” I sauntered into the backroom and wandered around until I found my manager: Mrs Smith.

“Yes...problem?” she asked.

“Yes, customer, angry” I said it like I was a robot: something out of the terminator.

She put her legs down and her coffee and her ‘Heat’ magazine, looking totally pissed off, she stomped out of the room and went to the very very angry and annoyed customer.

I couldn’t deal with this first thing on and early Sunday morning with a hangover. I didn’t usually get drunk and haven’t been drinking alcohol that long as I am only nineteen. Yes...I live in the UK were you can drink at eighteen...whoop, whoop!

I had only recently turned nineteen a month ago and have been living the night life and partying like a crazy teen since I turned eighteen.

I sauntered back past the confrontation between my manager and the hairy fat freak complaining. I went to hang around to see if any un-normal people would be in petals at this time in the morning. Nah, maybe grannies but they wouldn’t be in a fashion young girls shop!

“Ellie, over here!” Millie (my work mate) called me over to where she was standing.

“Hey, my head ******* kills!” I fluttered my eyes in pain.

“Hangover?”

“Yup.”

“Hmm, not good” Millie shook her lovely dyed chocolate brown long hair. She wore heaps of make-up and she was like a size 4 sometimes 6 depends what store and clothing she bought. But me on the other hand, I was size 8 to 10 mostly size 8. I have Auburn hair that was straight and long. I always wore my hoop earrings which I hardly ever took out. I didn’t wear heaps of make-up like Millie, but I do love a make-over what girl doesn’t? Oh yeah a tomboy.

“Why do you keep fluttering those blue eyes at me?” Millie said with a grin and a sparkle in her chocolate brown eyes that matched her hair colour.

“I am knackered, obviously” I rolled my eyes this time.

“Yep I have had that feeling many more times than you...even when I was underage.”

“Yeah only because your two years older than me, Gran bag!” I called her ‘oldie’ sometimes as well.

“Ooh, that the best ya can do biatch!”

“Not even close Mcflurry” yes, her name is Millie and she loves her Mcflurrys’ you get from McDonalds and it starts with the same letter as her first name.

“So, ya doing anything Friday night?”

“Whoa, you expect me to plan that far ahead?”

“Uh, sorry I forgot you were still young and learning the alphabet” she chuckled. We were just both horsing around as per usual.

“Yeah, yeah” I folded my arms wanting to fall to the floor, suck my thumb, and sleep like a baby. Not learning the alphabet, that can come later.

“Well when you do no what your doing or not doing text me kay?”

“Sure will” I winked.

“So, got lucky last night with any lads at the ‘Phantom’ club?”

I sighed. “Yeah I wish.”

“Argh, to bad.”

“Yeah well I hope you and Fredrick last more than a week this time.”

“It was more than a week and at least I have one miss loner” Millie had been going out with this guy for a year now, on and off. Okay, it did last longer than a week but no shorter than three weeks.

“Yeah, anyway what...” before I could get us on to another subject (about friends) Mrs Smith called me.

“Ellie, on the till” she pointed behind her to where the till was with her thumb.

“Kay” I held my thumb up to her walked to the till.

SOZ IF TO LONG xxxx

Update:

yh but when ppl are angry they dnt bother using the correct terms and language

Update 2:

yh its not in paragraphs becasue the way yahoo sets it out sorry x

12 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    It is a pity but it is hard to read. I say it is a pity because it does have the makings of a good story even though we have no idea of the plot at this stage. Some of your dialogue is good and so are some of the descriptions but you really need to print it off and read it aloud or get someone to read it to you. That way you will hear what you have actually written rather than what you think you have written. When you have done that correct all the errors. Just take the last sentence as an example.

    "Kay" (I know it's slang but it's also a girls name) I held my thumb up to her walked to the till. You have either missed a word out or the sentence isn't finished even though there is a full stop in place.

    I know that young people use shortened words but if you want to write a serious novel or short story you need to get out of the habit or your rejection letters will pile up.

    Keep writing though because with a little polish and a little thought it will be readable. Never get upset at constructive criticism.

    Source(s): Experience
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  • pink
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    I don't see any point to this story other than it's about a kid that hates his job and has a hangover. Your dialogue was ok but it could be better. I liked how you described the manager, I had a perfect image in my head. She seems like a fun character. However, you might want to use a little more description and a little less diaglogue.

    Also, instead of saying it was Sunday or it was 9:30 am say a witty comment like, isn't this supposed to be the Holy day or say how the woman was bothering him as the guy looked up at the clock depressingly realizing it was only half past nine.

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  • 1 decade ago

    How I'd rate this depends on your age. For a young teenager I'd say it's pretty good, which, without meaning offense is what I assume you are. You have some good description of characters and I like the opening dialogue.

    My advice for you is to keep it up and keep reading. The best way to progress as a writer is to read all the time and to practice. Since you're young, don't take criticism to heart and write because you enjoy it.

    ~Maddy

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  • Check through. There are a lot of mistakes such as 'no' where there should be 'know'.

    Also, it's a little childish. Things like the sentence where you talk about being able to drink at 18 and follow with a "whoop, whoop!', that's just annoying. Don't talk down to the reader.

    Unless you were actually referring to urine, I suggest writing 20p or twenty pence instead of twenty pee.

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  • 1 decade ago

    It's alright. I'm a very critical when it comes to critiquing works - so this may not make you happy.

    This is boring. I didn't even want to read it, which is a bad thing. You need to hook your character in with the first sentence. You have to make them want to read not force themselves to read.

    Then you have way too much telling. You tell us the narrator is angry, happy, etc, which a good writer should never have to do. You should be able to show through their actions. Make them cross their arms, sigh, puff up their bangs - something, don't tell us. Also, never put such a precise time as 9:07...it's just weird.

    Third, there's just dialogue. No sensory language, no imagery...just dialogue and action.

    I hope this will help you.

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  • 3 years ago

    As far as books that have movies, the literature aren't limited by a set time frame and therefore can get into a lot more depth then a feature length movie could. Movies finish up very different from the book sometimes

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  • 3 years ago

    i watch television set rarely. you just don't get the same quality. after all, try making walden into a television show

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  • Anonymous
    3 years ago

    1

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  • 1 decade ago

    Not only is it rubbish, but this time you blame your mistakes on Yahoo doing the setting out. I think that you're just having a good fcuking laugh at us all.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    yes it is good exeps some of it is a little hard to read i find

    try making it clear when your switching from one poerson to another if that makes sence but aside fromt hat its good

    i wana read more lol

    put chapter 2 on here! lol

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