Edit this verse? make it sick?

I need tips to make this better?

Over a metaphorical corridor

whores coarse and abnormal or

left tense by sores and more

bleed esteem and torture yours

Stepping back to the swording

pain of cataclysmic proportions

Proportioned to accord with subordinate

and abortioned souls of those

who with the rain stormed in

Cursing and slashing

blast through violent reactions

actin on abstractions

left dead due to miscalculated planning

a fault of the synapses

possibly another region

begin where you begot

where u forgive u may be forgot

Update:

i'm fine up until the 8th line then i feel like something is missing

Update 2:

got it... i think

5 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favourite answer

    It's kinda sick bro. Keep at it.. Like the adjectives.! Go to thesaurus.com and get some more lingo.. But you got the flow so keep it rollin'

  • 1 decade ago

    I agree with Multiple Hustle. The only way its gonna come out right is if you work on it. Keep going over it and I'm sure you'll find that next line. Thats how true artists make it sick. or they have or higher professional song writers haha

  • 1 decade ago

    Do your own work. You'll feel better about it after wards.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    not bad, leave it at that

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    are you eminem?

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