Going through difficult time with my wife - We struggle with our sexual life?


I have been with my wife for 8 years. (6 years married) We have a very strong relationship, and we feel like we cannot live without each other. At the beginning when we met, we always struggled from being able to spend time alone without anyone around. We either slept in my house with my parents or with her. There was no privacy, but I always thought this will change and we will fix that once we will start to leave together. After 3 years of being together (1 married) we bought our own place. I thought our new privacy will help us to improve our sexual life and we will get as much passion as possible. Unfortunately, I was wrong. First I found out that my wife always was faking the orgasm and never came. She was only able to come by oral sex. I always was trying to ask her to help me to give me some hints, but many times she was saying that real men should know what to do. So I was trying and trying. Never could make her come. She was always stressed and could not relax. Only oral sex worked, but she wanted to come the normal way. To make the story short after 8 years being together we just had a conversation when I found out when she was faking the orgasm again and actually so far never came from the intercourse. I was devastated that she lied to my again. I felt bad. I felt like I was hurting her all the time and all those good times were only good for me. I am angry, but at the same time I feel like I should understand her. She says "I did it for you, I wanted you to be happy" But why? I would better work on the problem then leave in the fake state. I don’t understand why she did that. We love each other as hell but we suffer from sexual problem. She says she never was able to feel safe and come. She always was stressed somehow. So we came to this solution: She will rent a place for 6 months and we will separate. I will come to her to visit her and she will come to me. We will try to make it romantic so she would feel relaxed. She believes that time alone will allow her to release the stress she has every time we have sex? She says once she is ready and feel relaxed we will try to make love again it will be the most beautiful thing. Does it make sense? I feel like we will end up alone forever. I never believed in separation, and I am worried that I will lose her forever. Sometimes I think she wants to prepare me and then leave me. I mostly ask advice from the women. How do you fell about it? I want her to go because if that’s what she wants I should give her a chance. If she was sacrificing herself, maybe it’s time for me to give it a try. We still kiss each other and say good things to each other. We take care of each other, but every time it gets to sex then it is bad. Now I know. Before I thought it was good. All those good times were the most horrible for her and I was not able to figure that out. I was always questioning her: Every time you come orally I feel it, but I cannot feel it during the intercourse. You say that you are coming and nothing. Is it me? Why I cannot feel it? Now, I know. She says, once everything is fixed we will start our new family (children) what do you think?


I should add this: She said she was able to come with her previous partner when she was on top. I always wanted her to be on top, but for some reason she was not feeling comfortable. She was telling me that I was not hard enough and she could not feel me good and she though that i was not exited. She says that i was begging for sex every night and she had enough. She did not want to try. She said that when she have sex with me she gets to some point and cannot overpass that. Maybe I was stupid and should asked more questions.

Update 2:

I tried to be aggressive many times. I tried different positions and I always was willing to explore. It was harder for her. For some reason she did not feel the need. I wanted to have sex in the bathroom, in kitchen, on the beach, in public , etc

Update 3:

What is amazing that nobody blames me. Maybe I did something wrong. She said that from the beginning i was too pushy. Wanted to have too much sex and I was not patient enough to wait when she was ready and wanted me. I am trying to look at this from different perspective. She says that once she spend some time with her self she will be able to comeback. She says she wants to have her own place for some time.

13 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favourite answer

    Hi trc2000,

    Where do we start? From a woman's point of view, I can well understand the issues you had initially before you got a place of your own. Being relaxed enough to make love is difficult when you know that there are others in the house and they may overhear what you are doing.

    I feel your wife was somewhat harsh when she told you that 'real men should know what to do'. A real man asks his partner/wife what feels good, so don't you be thinking that you are doing anything wrong by asking for hints. Secondly, very few women actually orgasm during intercourse. Manual stimulation,foreplay, oral sex all can create orgasm much more easily and intensely than the act itself. I'm not saying it is impossible to orgasm through penetrative sex but this is usually after orgasm via other means and when the lady is extremely aroused.

    Your wife seems to feel that being overly stressed is one of the main factors to her relaxing. This again is understandable as stress will 'block' all those feel good hormones that naturally run through our bodies. Have you thought about helping her to remove some of that stress? Do you have any idea what is causing her to feel stressed about? Could I suggest that you discuss this issue with her if you have not already done so and see if there is anything that you could do or could do more to help relieve some of it for her. Could I also suggest that you ask her to stay in the marital home for another 6 months and then if you do not get anything close to sorting this problem, that you try her suggestion. Now let's try removing the pressure from you BOTH with regards sex. Instead of aiming to make love, aim to relax each other. set the room, candles, soft music (preferably relaxation music, not love songs etc), some incense or oil burners (try lavender, patchouli, ylang ylang) as long as you both like the scent of it, and a bottle of massage oil ( or make your own with a good quality olive oil and TWO or THREE drops of lavender essential oil). The only rule to this is that If you are massaging your wife, you are not allowed to touch any 'private' areas including breasts and the same goes for her. The whole idea behind this exercise is to relax each other and learn to touch each other without the extra pressure on either of you to perform. You won't feel that you are letting her down by not getting her to orgasm, and she won't feel that she's letting you down by not being able to. On the evenings when you are unable to give each other a FULL body massage, (this includes back, neck and shoulders, legs - front and back, arms - front and back and stomach - which may be a little tickly :-) give each other a hand massage or a foot massage. Pressure should be light enough to relax but not be tickly, if it is too light then adjust the pressure slightly but it must remain comfortable at all times. In the event you get somewhat aroused, which is very possible as the lady you love is touching you more or less all over, either take yourself away later or think of other things. Hopefully, within a month or so of completely taking the pressure off, your wife will be more relaxed and ready to take the next steps slowly. Don't worry if it takes longer, it has taken 8 years to reach the point you are at now so you cannot expect it to change over night. Whilst you are massaging her, take notice of the areas of her body that she seems to enjoy being touched the most. Look for little reactive signs of what she finds good and what she tenses up at.

    Do not feel bad that she wants you to be happy even if she does not orgasm. Us women are pretty strange creatures and it is sometimes difficult for you men to understand our logic behind our thinking. Sometimes we just want to please,relieve our partners without the need to actually have the relief our selves if you follow what I'm trying to say.

    I hope you find some of what I have written to be helpful. If you think I can suggest anything else or offer any other advice please do not hesitate to email me. Addy in my profile. I truly hope that you and your wife can sort out this issue as it sounds like you both still care for and love each other dearly. I wish you both a long and happy future together. Good Luck to you both.

    Source(s): 21 years of married life.
  • 1 decade ago

    OK dude, here's the deal. First off, just because she didn't reach orgasm doesn't mean she wasn't having a heck of a good time. Second off, if you were trying and she wasn't communicating she, not you are responsible for her not coming. Third, she was getting off orally and that's nice. Fourth, and most important, I'm going to shout so you hear it...DON'T BUY INTO THE SWEET ROMANTIC CRAP! As you have learned, she won’t tell you what she really wants. Sweetness and romance in the bedroom isn’t it.

    Romance is great, and sweetness and kindness are needed, but things like her "real man would know" comment, and knowing women in general, what she wants you to do and isn't telling you is get a bit more manly and physical in the bedroom. Stop being so sweet and worrying about everything and get a little ferocious with her. Grab her by surprise some time and take something soft like a necktie and wrap it around her wrist and push her down on the bed or sofa. Pull her to you. Rare is the woman who doesn't like her man to be a bit of an animal. Let her feel your strength, and if you don't have any then time to hit the gym hard.

    Stop being so sweet and F' her brains out once in a while. Women are turned on by men not mice. Trust me, little rough handling is what she wants.

    Some other tips;

    For an extended or repeat performance, cialis is great stuff. Take it a couple hours before show time. You can buy it online all over the place. It's the recreational drug of the 2000's.

    Avoid Nsaids (aspirin, Advil etc.) as they can inhibit sexual performance. Especially avoid sudafed. That can make you soft.

    Keep track of her monthly cycle. The week right in the middle she'll be ovulating and will be most susceptible to getting turned on.

    Good luck, and remember, good boy outside the bedroom, bad boy to turn her on.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Use paragraphs next time!

    First.....many woman have trouble reaching orgasm through intercourse alone. This is not an unusual or rare problem. A woman reaches orgasm mainly through clitoral stimulation, something that is often not achieved during intercourse. If either partner is overweight it can keep the male's pubic bone from stimulating the clitoris. Rear entry sex offers no stimulation to the clitoris at all.

    So, you may not be doing anything wrong at all! There are a couple of things you can do to help if this is the problem. Try the female on top. She can move in such a way to stimulate her clitoris while you move in and out. Second, try a spooning position but with one of her legs draped back over you. She can then manually stimulate her clitoris while you move in and out.

    Now, here's my 2 cents about this:

    I don't like the way your wife tries to lay this all at your feet. Your wife is acting like a baby. She needs to take responsibility for her own sexual pleasure and get out of the fantasy world wherein you magically know what she feels and needs. The world's greatest lovers have the world's most communicative partners - and THAT is the truth!

    She needs to STOP deceiving you by faking orgasms. She is ruining the trust in your marriage, and that is spilling out into the rest of the relationship. She SERIOUSLY needs to see a counselor and learn to communicate. Her thinking is warped and controlling. Does she really think she is making you happy when she is deceiving you? And hello, SHE is not responsible for your happiness - YOU are. She is putting thoughts into your head and not giving you the benefit of the opportunity to really talk to her. Yeah, counseling is the way to go. She's mixed up.

  • Anonymous
    6 years ago

    There are many causes to premature ejaculation and every cause requires a different treatment depending on each individual's situation and preference as well. Sometimes premature ejaculation is due to an over-sensitive glans (skin of penis head). This reduces your ejaculatory control. At other times, it could also be a matter of psychology effect like stress, fear of poor performing. A weak PC muscles (muscles located between the anus and testicles) also causes premature ejaculation. Good news is premature ejaculation can be prevented and cured and there are many treatments out there. But to start off, it's advisable to resort to some safe, natural and proven methods which cure the problem from its root cause. I was once suffered from the same problem and that brought so much stress to me and my girlfriend (now my wife). I tried many different treatments including cream, pill and gel. But really healed me was some simple proven natural techniques including exercising my PC muscles, learning to monitor and control my level of sexual arousal, using last-longer sexual positions, correct breathing methods etc. I learned the hard way, but you really dont have to. Here is the free ebook where you can get a general idea of what premature ejaculation really is, its causes and how to treat premature ejaculation: ( http://prematurejaculation.kyma.info ) The fact is, you can really cure and control premature ejaculation in a matter of weeks, you just need the right information. Hope this helps.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Well from a women point me and my husband had the same problems it was hard for me to *** but when i get on top and take over i go at my own speed and just *** and if your on top of her i would let her you no bounce off you and that will do the trick or if that doesn't work just keep try and just tell her to be comforable or trying about something that turns her on during it..if that don't work go get some help from someone but there's no need for you two to move out..to tell you the true if he's wanting to move out it sounds like she wants to leave you...

  • It sounds like she might have been molested as a child. IDK but maybe. If she really wanted to have an organism with you she'd be a woman and ride you. That is the only way during intercourse I can have the big O! And yes you can feel how wet she gets when she c#ms.

    Are you should she is cheating on you or seeing somebody else. To completely want to leave. I mean I have had my bags packed and was completely ready to leave my husband and had I left we would have never got back together. He is just to disrespectful but hey oh well.

    I wouldn't tell her to leave how about different bedrooms At least that way she wouldn't be sneaking men in.

  • 1 decade ago

    you need some sex therapy. Go on date nights and spring for a hotel or motel and try some tantric sexual techniques. It is not all about penetration. The connection felt between the two should help alleviate her fears. She needs to seek help. Things will never change without it. Some women can only orgasm with direct clitoral stimulation so maybe you can try stimulating her clitoris as you are making love to her. She nees to talk to someone about these feelings and how to get past them. A professional is worth a try. I wish you nothing but the best.

  • 1 decade ago

    Could she still have that emotional connections with the previous partner

    and has yet to overcome them?

    Sex is to be mutually enjoyed but I guess for her, the pressure to achieve orgasms through penetrative sex has affected her profoundly. Therefore, the thought of sex immediately triggers her to feel 'repulsed'. And she feels fearful of your demand of frequent sex. Sex has become a chore to her.I feel it is good to put the sex issue aside 1st and focus on her inner turmoil. Tell her you love her and will focus on building her up. Seek a counselor if possible .Let the past go, forgive and start afresh. Love her the way she is most comfortable 1st , win her heart.Then, the rest can follow.

  • 1 decade ago

    I got two thing to tell you:

    1) Most women out there ONLY orgasm with oral sex, so that's not unusual, just gotta learn to live with it.

    2)Call loveline! 1800-love-191 lol. They have a radio show sun-thurs from 10pm-12am PST, they'll give you great advice.

    Oh yea i think maybe you guys should get couples counseling.

  • 1 decade ago

    wow! you amaze me...she is being selfish and moving out is a cop out or so it sounds. Why move out due to sexual problems? sounds like she is hiding something. If she is having a hard time sleeping in the same bed or room with you she should sleep in another room or the couch not move entirely out. I suggest counselling or sex therapy its not your fault she doesnt communicate her sexual needs considering you are willing to help.

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