Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Entertainment & MusicJokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago

Got jokes? do you know funny jokes?

the funniest jokes to me win best answer because I will be the one to choose best answer

13 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best answer

    Dear Dad letter....

    A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was

    nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope,

    propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the

    worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with

    trembling hands.

    'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I

    had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene

    with Mum and you.

    I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I

    knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's,

    tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older

    than I am.

    But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we

    will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of

    firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more

    children.

    Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt

    anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other

    people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

    In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so

    Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

    Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday,

    I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many

    grandchildren.

    Love, your son, Joshua.

    P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just

    wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school

    report that's on the kitchen table.

    Call when it is safe for me to come home!

  • 1 decade ago

    2 blondes on a plane.

    10 mins into the flight, the pilot announces that an engine has failed but not to worry as there are 3 other engines so it just means the flight will be slower and will take an extra hour.

    20 mins later, he announces the 2nd engine's failed, theres still no danger but unfortunately the flight will be delayed by 3 hours.

    15mins go by and the pilot once again announces that another engine has failed. He tells the passengers not to panic as there's still 1 engine left but the flight will take an extra 5 hours.

    Another 20 mins later and the pilot says he really hates to break this news but the last engine is about to fail.

    1 blonde turns to other and says "great, looks like we're stuck up here for the night"

  • 1 decade ago

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

    "There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

    It takes ten seconds and costs $20.00 ..a lot quicker than a doctor."

    So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies. He

    deposits $20.00 , and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.

    He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the

    computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in

    warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

    Thank you for shopping @ Woolies.

    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits $20.00, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)

    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1stfloor).

    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

    Thank you for shopping @ Woolies

  • Joe K
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    Snoring

    A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

    'Yeah right!" she says.

    A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

    Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.

    The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

    The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

    He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place.

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  • 1 decade ago

    hope ur not blond...

    this blond went into this store and she saw sumthin she liked

    she went to the clerk and said, i wanna buy that TV, pointing to the window

    the clerk looks at her and said, i dont serve blondes

    the blonde gets pissed and goes home and dyes her hair red

    she goes back to store and says the same thing to the same clerk

    again he says he doesnt serve blondes

    she goes home again and dyes her hair brown

    she goes back and this time asks another clerk for the TV

    he too looks at her and says i dont serve blondes

    she gets mad and says, how do u no im blonde?

    and he says, thats not a TV, thats a MICROWAVE!!!!!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Scottishman English man and Irish man all on a picnic with there wifes

    English man says to wife "pass the sugar, sugar"

    Irishman says to wife "pass the honey,honey"

    Scotsman says to wife "pass the milk,cow"

    lol lol

    i thought it was funny

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Paddy bought two goldfish, and called them one and two.

    Mick said "they're funny names, why did you call them one and two?", Paddy replies "because if one dies, I've still got two left!!"

  • 1 decade ago

    There are two muffins in an oven.

    One muffin says "PHEW it's getting hot in here!"

    and the other muffin says

    "AHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    a man walks into a bar with a sheep under his arm.

    his wife was waiting for him at the bar so he walks up to her and says:

    "you see here, this is the pig i've been fu**ing"

    the wife laughs and says:

    "you dumba**, thats not a pig, it's a sheep"

    then the husband says:

    "yeah i know, i was talking to the sheep."

  • so a little mexican boy and his mom are making tortias the boy takes the the flour on his face and sais look mommy im white she slaps him across the face and sais go to your dad he goes to his dad and sais look daddy im white he slaps him across the face and sais go to your to your grandma he goes to his grandma and sais look grandma im white she slaps him across the face and sais go to your mom he goes back to his mom and she asked what did you learn he replys ive been white for 5 minuts and i already hate you mexicans.

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