fixing our 17 year old gay son?
I found out yesterday my son is gay, I walked in on him making out, well I ran out, I was in shock well I came home and talked to him and he knows I love and support him. Well he had me tell him mom and today she spent the whole day finding camps that can "fix" him. She want to send him away to one of these places. What do I do?
people I do love him and think that trying to fix him is crazy, my wife his mother wants to fix him.
she even wants to keep our youngest son who 13 away from him, cause she doesn't want him to be turned. I was in shock but I wasn't this bad.
- Anonymous1 decade agoBest answer
oh dear, that is tough.
reason with her...tell her it it not something to be fixed, it is not wrong and it is not a mental decision. It is how you are born.
Find proof and facts to back you up...get your son to help.
provide with family counseling, and continue to encourage and support your son.
- 4 years ago
Probably. I answered you yesterday as well. You're describing a very volatile situation. Hopefully your marriage will survive this, but she needs to be away from your son for a bit - either with her out of the house, or him out of the house - until she cools down. Give this a few days - let her cool down. Then she needs to speak to an expert (and priests are not experts) about orientation. Mostly, she has to understand that *nothing* she can do will change him, and that there's no chance of the younger son catching "the gay," unless he is also gay already. I wouldn't mention that possibility to her, though.
- ClintLv 71 decade ago
Your son isn't broken, so he can't be fixed.
Orientation is a trait. You're born with it. It expresses itself (obviously) after puberty, much like a voice change, or facial hair. You can pretend to change it, you can live a lie even - but you can't change it. Nor should you want to. Traits are not evil.
People who are gay can and do live meaningful fulfilled lives, just as straight people do. Without being fixed.
Your wife's reaction is troubling. Your son is no more likely to molest your 13 year old than he would be if he were straight and your 13 year old were a girl. And sending him to camps to fix him? All she will do is make him miserable and drive him away from both of you. Possibly miserable enough to commit suicide. She needs to understand that her reaction could lead to that. And if she's forewarned, and continues on her rant and he does commit suicide - his blood is all on her hands.
He's the same young man he was last week, last year, five years ago. Now you know something about him you didn't know. It changes nothing.
Good luck to you, and I hope your wife regains her equilibrium. If she doesn't, I hope she's adult enough to own up to the consequences of her actions.
- 1 decade ago
I think the good idea here would be maybe your wife and you should consult someone on this. You obviously have a difference here and it could cause a rift and problems between her and you, and it might effect your son. Maybe speak to a counselor, a psychologist, or even go to something like the pflag website. I hear there are resources for parents on there from what I hear. I'm sure you are not the first couple to have a difference of opinion like this. I'd try and talk to her first about it, and if she's not receptive and things get difficult try one of these options. Good luck. Just remember, stay supportive to your son. It's a tough time to figure yourself out, and if your parents act weird or are difficult about it, it really makes it harder for you.
- What do you think of the answers? You can sign in to give your opinion on the answer.
- 1 decade ago
you cannot fix him - he is the way he is. no matter what you send him to he will always bounce back to who he is. believe me there are plenty of real nice people that are gay. i do not think sending him away will be healthy - because, he's your son and he has been brave enough to tell you - to accept him as he is is the best way to go. it will keep the relationship between son and parents more livable. to do the other may set up resentments in your son toward the both of you. remember the greatest thing a you could do is to accept him and keep the line open. it does not matter that you and your wife accept his life style nor that you should agree with it - only that y'all show support and love. he will respect you better.
- Advocate22Lv 51 decade ago
Well, there is no fix for homosexuality.
I'm sorry but it's a plague that stays.
(I don't think it's a plague, but you wife seems to...)
Tell her that her idea is absurd.
He is your son, she should accept him.
Homosexuality isn't a choice.
It isn't something that can be changed.
It just, simply, is.
He IS what he IS.
And, i have to admit, I'm shocked.
Usually, it's the father that disproves, and the mother that is accepting.
I have to tell you this: i'm proud of you.
But a sixteen year old having pride in an older guy usually doesn't count for anything.
- RockerFreakLv 41 decade ago
if ur gay than u were born gay. u cant change that. he was probably confused as a young teen and to send him to a camp to try and change that will cause a lot of emotional trauma for him. All he needs is ur love and suppor and constantly tell him that. Dont let him being gay change the way u think about him. I have a friend whos lesbian and she is an awesome person and i didnt know she was gay untill she told me one time. I was shocked at first but i thought its her life shes gonna live it the way she wants to.
- SassydudeLv 61 decade ago
Tell mother that it is the job of a parent to show support and love in a situation like this. He can't be "fixed" and he can't go through life expecting that there will be a camp to FIX everthing.
- jbcoopsLv 51 decade ago
you've received some pretty good advice from most of the other posters already. if your son is gay, you basically need to support him and love him for who he is. definitely do *not* send him to a "fix it" camp. your wife needs the counseling, not your son.
however... there's something else to consider (something I haven't seen from others here yet). your son might *not* be gay. wtf I hear you (and others exclaim?). just because he was making out with a guy does not necessarily mean he's gay, or even bi. he might just be experimenting. he might have just been horny as heck and figured "what the heck, let's do it." i'm not saying (at all), that he is *not* gay. he very well might be.
what you should do is talk to your son about sex in general, and sexuality. i have no idea what your talks on the subject are in the past. how much (if at all) have you talked with him about the subject? if never... well... now's a pretty darned good time to get started! at the very least you owe it to him to discuss safe sex. that will probably be the *least uncomfortable* topic to start with. regardless of whether he's gay or straight... you have to talk about STDs, AIDs and, definitely, *condoms*. now... getting to talk about sexuality with your son is going to be more uncomfortable... and (as a father myself)... you might want to talk about your own sexuality. did you ever experiment?
of course, you've got to be really careful not to be judgmental at all, be 100% supportive and understanding. good luck to you... and... you also really need to talk to your wife... perhaps show her this thread!
- 1 decade ago
I honestly think you and especially your wife need counseling more so than your son. There is no way either of you can understand him until you learn more about what he has and is going through, due to the way he was outed. Trust me, this is just as, if not more traumatic for your son. Please, please for your son's sake, talk to his mom and assure her that there is nothing that needs fixing. He is not broken, he is gay. It is not the end of the world. And if you convince her, e-mail me and I'll give you my mom's number. ;-)Source(s): Unaccepted by my mom....