What do you think of this written piece I have done?
It is only an extract-
Into my intoxicated, hazy sight appeared golden, precious sunlight. A beauty so radiant, so warm and teasingly obvious- an English rose.
But every rose has its thorns, and as the wonder before me teetered closer, closer… her perfume of sickly sweet alcohol filled my senses and choked me, like ice burning my throat. Her blood red nails positively screamed “harlot”; dark hair fell like a waterfall over her face, shielding mirrors for eyes. She would see every inch of my soul, but I knew I would never see hers truly. Yet my body was yearning for her and, like the sunlight, I could not breathe, live, exist without.
The sensation of her lips brushing against mine sent tingles down my spine, my mind full of emotion. Guilt? Panic? Regret? No, it was too early for regret… Her touch sent me into a glorious spiral of pleasure, as she slowly swept her lips up and down my body, sending waves of burning desire for this scarlet woman planting poisonous kisses across my stomach.
As if in a trance, guided by her grasp on my hand I stroked her milky-white thighs, soft as stolen silk, and with the other exposed her perfect breasts from within the confinement of the suffocating, suppressing, satin dress she wore. Ma catin chérie gasped with delight as I caressed her body with care; sinning had never felt as satisfying as it did when her eyes started burning with fiery lust, pulling me closer, closer… Lord, I tried to stop, I tried to let go, but her tenure was over-powering. Her perfectly flawed body became entwined with my own, pressing her seductive mouth against neck, her hot breath getting faster and faster… Oh, sweet rapture.
It is a transformational piece that I have had to write asthough I am a charecter from a book I am studying.
He is very sexual, has mixed feelings for this girl, very elaborate & romantic etc.
"'perfectly' and 'flawed' should not be in the same sentence together"
its called an Oxymoron.
- MargraveLv 51 decade agoFavorite Answer
Hmmm, I think I would have chosen "presence was over-powering" rather than tenure.
There is something awkward in that last sentence, a wind shear of tense and point of view --- became--pressing--getting. It does convey a sense of ambivalence but perhaps there are better ways to do that
The rest... well I would not change a thing.
EDIT: My rewrite of that last sentence, which you should take with a grain of salt, but which points out an alternative phraseology...
"Twining her perfectly flawed body about mine, her increasingly ragged gasps bathing my neck and drying the moisture her lips were tracing, she drove me into a delirium of rapturous agony.."
- babyhedredLv 51 decade ago
Not bad, but may I make a few observations as a writer myself? Ok, when you described her perfume, you said that ' her perfume of sickly sweet alcohol filled my senses and choked me like ice burning my throat.' The first thing that came into my mind was the question,' how can the smell of sickly sweet perfume feel like ice?' Then, just one more thing that I questioned, you wrote,' Her perfectly flawed body' the word 'perfectly' and 'flawed' should not be in the same sentence together. It's like saying , the big, little cat. opposite words side by side. Other then that, it was pretty good.
- 4 years ago
Once when I was about 6, my dad and I were on a busy train platform. There was a board that said when the next train was coming and suddenly it said correction in big letters. But there was obviously something wrong with the board and it didn't say correction but ccrrection. I thought this was hilarious (because I was 6) so I grabbed the sleeve of what looked like my dad and said really loudly, "look dad! ccrection!!!!" turns out it wasn't my dad and I went an unnatural shade of red.
- tompainsbonesLv 41 decade ago
What do you think of it? If you want to write to express yourself you need to do so on your own terms. What will be liked is when you express an honest feeling in a way that others can identify with. It's a nice piece, a bit pornographic and suggestive in a way that makes me think I would like you because you seem willing to talk about intimate feelings. But don't get lost in the language.
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- 1 decade ago
You have used very good adjectives, and you have written this remarkably.
It helps the reader to visualize what is happening.
It's a brilliant piece of writing...something like Sydney Sheldon and Stephen King does.
Very impressive! I like it.
However, it may not be right for the 11 year old kids on here....lol they read every post like this!
Otherwise, it's brilliant!
♪♣ Đǐvǐήέ Яάў ♣♪
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- JOHN BLv 71 decade ago
I thought that was perfect. Your ability for precise description is fantastic without "Over doing it" You have a rare talent, don't let it go to waste. Us English just love that type of script.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
yeh you have talent as a writer
its pretty evocative, my only thing was a wasnt too sure what was happening like who the people werre maybe moreintroduction for charcaters and background would be good
- Anonymous1 decade ago
ok, well i got year 7 writing in year 5 and i believe thats better then anything i have done keep writing its really good, if it was in a shop, i'd buy it
- 1 decade ago
I can now read it, and yes it is a very descriptive piece of writing.
- Jerry SLv 71 decade ago
ellie, i realize it is only an extract, but i like it.