(GOT JOKES?) do you know funny jokes?
the funniest jokes to me win
- Anonymous1 decade agoBest answer
Not One But Three I Found FUNNY
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”
- LorraineLv 44 years ago
You Know You're A Redneck When... 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65. 31. If your family tree doesn't branch.....
- soupkittyLv 71 decade ago
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful,but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
' Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
- 1 decade ago
So a blonde a red head and a brunette all jump off a cliff. Who hits the ground last?
The blonde because she had to ask for directions on the way down
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- JoeLv 41 decade ago
A man was speeding through town when he saw a police car coming up behind him with the siren blaring. the motorist put his foot down immediately and the speedometer was touching 80 as he turned into the high street.
"oh sh!t" he said to him self, "this is no good" so he slowed down and pulled over.
The police officer car drew up behind the car and an officer got out to speak to him.
"did you realise you were doing 80 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour zone?" he asked.
'I'm sorry officer, you see my wife ran off with a copper a few months ago and when i saw you chasing me",
'I thought you were trying to give her back."
- Anonymous1 decade ago
how do old ladies make money without working? by going to super markets go down on the floor and yell I'm falling and I can't get up. once apon a time a long time ago long before I was born. well, I don't know because I wasn't born yet.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
A man was talking to another man and he said we are all in this pot together so lets be nice.Sometimes I don't know what kind of pot it is if it is a stew pot or a flower pot or a shi*t pot. So don't be a pot head................. Another joke..... A man was in church and the preacher asked him do you want to get delivered? And the man said No! the preacher said why not? The man replied because I want to keep my liver!
- 6 years ago
The father and son drink a cratefull of beer.When the bottles are empty the father says
"son go out and knock on the door and l will
guess who is knocking."
- The SaintLv 71 decade ago
A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.
The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.
He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."
The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."
The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."
- @NGEL B@BYLv 71 decade ago
why do they called dogs a man's best friend? because god name them after him by flipping his name into a dog god = dog. I saw a singing contest sang by handicapped people a blind singer sang I can see clearly now the rain is gone, the deaf sang I can hear your heart beat loud as thunder, the one with no legs sang I walk a thousand miles to be with you.