How to handle a situation where your mother attempts suicide? (kind of long)?
In order to give enough details about this situation, this will be a long explanation, although I will make it as short as I can. IF your not wanting to read much, then please click the back button and go to another question..
So, My mother is 50, I'm 32, I have 2 children (age 4 yrs and age 7 months). My mother has always been a very controlling and abusive (physically until I as age 17 and I made it clear that wouldn't happen anymore) and emotionally from early on, until present. She has been married 7 times, and in between those marriage lived with other guys. She is the type of person that has another man lined up (cheated on the person she was with). Well when I was 19 I moved off for a few years, later returning thinking maybe being gone for awhile, she would be able to focus on herself and get things straightened out. Well that didn't happen, she has lost it with me several times, yelling, cussing, throwing things, bowing up at me like she wants to hit me. She usually behaves this way when she thinks she doesn't have enough control over me OR if she is cheating on her husband. Things fell back into that old pattern, I realized that living close to her wasn't a good idea. My husband and our two children moved about 4 hours away, thinking this may help some. At 1st it was going ok, I got a little more of a break from her behavior, since I wasn't around her as much. Well in May, things went really bad. My mother got really jealous over my sister (half-sister, we have the same dad), my sister only lives like 15 minutes from me. One night my sister and I had a girls "in" night, movies and pizza, cells turned off, just hanging out. My mom found out that the reason I didn't answer her call, is because I had my phone shut off, and was watching a movie with my sister. She went off on me, saying that I should call her every day, because most daughters do, she said a lot of hurtful things. BUT the worst part of it was when she started attacking my parenting skills to my oldest, the accused me of abusing him, not feeding him, not having a bond with him, saying that I will cause him emotional issues. (which I have gone to great measures to make sure I don't treat my son anything like I was treated, luckily I take more after my dad 'easy going' 'laid back'). I told her that she needed to keep my kids out of it, because she is mad over a phone call, and they don't need to be brought into it. That just made it worse, she pretty much said the same things again. She said really hurtful and untrue things, because she was upset that I didn't call her back in the time frame she thought was appropriate. Then, she says "see ya, wouldn't want to be ya".. and attempts to kill herself on mothers day (also the day before my b-day). She wrote a letter, waited until her husband was almost home, took a bunch of pills. He found the letter, and her (saying crazy stuff).. so he called 911, the took her to the ER, pumped her stomach, and got the paper work ready for her to go to a mental hospital. I was torn on rather or not to go, because the call I got was from my step dad, and he couldn't or wouldn't tell me much. So I went up down there. I walk in the room she says.. "I've lived all these years for you, now i'm willing to go to hell for you".. I didn't respond I didn't know what to say. I just stood there, my husband turned and walked out, he just couldn't handle seeing her still trying to put everything on me.
Anyways, How does a person handle a situation like this? About a month after her attempt she asked if my kids could come for a week, I said no, but didn't really say why. She is my mom and I love her, but I just can't handle the emotional roll-coaster she likes to be on. Do you agree that I shouldn't allow my kids to go off with her? How much contact do I have with her? She never once said sorry for all the bad things she said. How does a person handle or deal with a mother that attempted to kill her self? I have opinions of my family and friends, but they are all close to the situation.. Just wanting some outside points of view..
Thanks for reading, and replying...
- 1 decade agoFavourite answer
First off, I am so sorry for all you've been through throughout your life...Thankfully, you are caring enough to realize that you did not want to repeat the cycle. Secondly, and most importantly, you are doing the right thing by not allowing your children to visit her...Now that you are a mom yourself, you are making the decision do what is best for them. My honest opinion, with a person like her, you will not be able to explain verbally the reason why your kids cannot stay with her, so I would write a long letter telling her your feelings about it...In a few days, after she receives the letter, you should not answer any of her phone calls, and if she leaves a voice mail or writes a letter back, have your husband screen it, and if it's nasty he can either delete the message or throw the letter away so that you don't have to deal with her abuse anymore. Your mom is obviously vindictive and manipulative, and I hope I'm not being too blunt for stating this, but she even sounds kind of evil in a way...I'm sorry, I hate to think that about another human being, but she has no remorse for anything she's done throughout her life, especially to her own children.
You may need to get counseling for yourself in order to make the decision you feel is best, but you may eventually have to cut off all ties...I know she's your mother, and you love her very much, but she will torture you until the bitter end...You cannot feel guilty about this...you've tried to please and help her, but she does not want the help, because then she won't be able to manipulate you anymore...It's not healthy for you and your family...Now that you are married with 2 kids, it's time for you to live your best life for them and for yourself...Be honest with your 4 year old if he's wondering why he can't see her. Keep it short and sweet and tell him that Grandma sometimes says mean things to people and hurts their feelings, and that you want to make sure she doesn't say those things to him...Letting him know this shows him right from wrong and can also teach him empathy.
...I truly wish you and your family well, and hopefully your mother will someday realize her abuse...but you cannot try to save her anymore...you've done your best...Now, just continue to be the best mommy you can be and love your kids the way your mom should have loved you.
- Julie MLv 51 decade ago
I'm with the first answer...She is sick. Something is not right in her that she would do all those things. I think shes are Narcissist...From people like that you can't change them. Just accept what they are and run the hell away from her with your family least she cause trouble in your family. If you let her, she can cause more damage that you realize. Getting between you and your husband, coming out of YOU when you are disciplining your children.
forgive and forget her. Forgive her for the mother she never was and never WILL BE and for your loss of childhood and sense of self worth, that you would take that crap and still keep her in your life. Forget because do you REALLY what that kind of person around your children, your friends, other family?? She is in a hole of her own self-making and the only way she will come out herself
- Anonymous4 years ago
Well some of it sounds like this 14 year old is bein a bit of a drama queen and her parents are right in trying to keep her home and send her to therapy to help her. But missing her birthday and calling her crazy are not cool. Neither is hitting her. Sounds like this girl needs to open up to her parents, let them read that so they can see how she is seeing the world and help her deal with her depression and work with her. This girl needs to be more open with her therapist and parents. parents make mistakes too and I think they need to know how this girl feels so that they can help heal their relationship with her. This family needs to start working together to help each other I think therapy is a good idea. They might want to find her another therapist if she is not comfortable with her current one. This family needs to sit down together and talk. No screaming and running out of the room. just talk and get it all of their chests, apologise to each other and form solutions to their problems. Running away wont help. She needs to stay in school and try and make a future. It is dangerous on the streets and how will she get money? Are you her friend? or her? if you are her friend offer to sit down with her while she is tells her parents everything you have wrote above. Your support will go along way. Good luck
- 1 decade ago
Hey I feel sorry for you I really do!! I think mothers have a tendency to be very jealous of their daughters I know this from my own who after a very heated discussion she admitted it.
Listen their is no point in telling you to cut all ties with your mother cause no matter how bad they are we always want to know they are okay. Just keep her at arms length. If she wants to visit let her if she wants to ring let her but the calls will all die of eventually.
You continue with your life cause if you let your mum bring you down your going to bring you children down to. Enjoy your life with your family and friends, its too short to worry about you mam. Shes big and bold enough now and she is going to do what she wants anyway. Good Luck and God Bless
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- spam_free_he_heLv 71 decade ago
She's sick............she really needs professional help.
Most likely, she's jealous of you, she couldn't control you, you're married with kids, and is trying to manipulate you with her behavior, (let's face it, she didn't try to kill herself, she made SURE that she'd be found, it was a gracious cry for attention.) She was attempting to make you feel guilty, DON'T, it was her choice to take the pills.
I'd keep my kids away from her completely.
Sorry for the situation, but she REALLY seems like professional help is the only answer.
- bornagainbratLv 51 decade ago
I am so sorry you are going through all this. My honest opinion is to cut all ties with her. She is never going to stop and the effect on your family is only going to increase. I will keep you in my prayers.