My wife is a new mama and angry with me, she won't touch me at all. How can I help her and be intimate?

My wife and I had a beautiful son just over two years ago. She went through some depression and may still be going through it. It was difficult for her, and I didn't know how to help, and in fact I made a few mistakes. I've said some things which hurt her. There was a period sex was infrequent and she accused me of cheating. I never would be unfaithful. My wife is the love of my life.

Shortly after my son was born and my wife returned to work we both immersed ourselves into our jobs. After a few more accusations of infidelity I got suspicious of her and said some things I should not have. I have apologized and we are seeing a counselor, but she is still so angry with me. She doesn't want hugs or kisses, and sex is out of the question. She won't even go on dates now, we have no "adult" time at all, and that is what she wants. For awhile I was super jealous of every man she works with and acted like a fool a few times. She's still angry, I just want to be in love again with my soulmate.


She has been considering a divorce, that is what prompted my suggestion of counselling. She was looking though my emails and making those accusations about every woman who emailed me anything at all. I looked through her's, too, after that. Now she doesn't trust me.

I tried calling her regularly and sending her flowers and buying her gifts but that only made it worse. I am trying to give her some space but I miss her so. If feels like we've messed up everything good. She has been my sweetheart since we were teenagers and now I'm afraid I'm losing my best friend. She is such a good woman, I would be lost without her love.

BTW We both love our son very much and are good parents, its not easy but we work hard for him.

Update 2:

Also, she took off her wedding rings. After a week she put them back on, but each time I make a mistake she takes them back off. They are off now. The first time I was floored and feeling totally low. Now I don't know why she is doing it, is it to send a message to me or to other people around her? It hurts like hell, I know she must be hurting just as much, if not more.

Update 3:

Thank you for the thoughtful responses, I am reading each one. I am not perfect but I am trying to be a better man and a good husband. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life.

Also, we have been married for 7 years and been through alot together.

10 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favourite answer

    Well, I'm going to take a shot in the dark about this.

    I'm guessing your wife's depression came over her during pregnancy; she has to bear the child, and go through 9 months of pain to have who knows how many hours of hard childbirth...and you don't. Maybe she feels you should have been there more for her after having your son. I'm not saying that you were or were not there; I'm just saying that maybe that was what was going through her head. From there, she rooted more and more reasons to be upset with you; and when you weren't there once or twice when she needed help with the baby, she turned her irritatedness into a mountain of anger; to the point that when you are late home from work, she thinks you have been cheating on her. She views herself as the victim; and you are the attacker, the criminal.

    If she thinks you have cheated on her, she will think that you will lie about everything. If she doesn't trust you anymore, then trying to build back the love that should be in a marriage will be hard, if not unseemingly impossible.

    You love her. That is a fact. She wants to love you, or else she would not be so upset. Marriage conseling is a great idea. However, in order to make room for your future trust, you need to have a little faith in each other; she HAS to trust you, and you HAVE to trust her.

    Think about your son. You both want the best for him. He does not need to grow up in two separate households; especially if when he gets the age when he starts asking why. Mom might tell him it's your fault, while you will tell him it's hers. That will put so much unneeded pressure on the child, and he will feel torn between his parents. You both don't want that.

    Stop trying to make it up to her; that says that you are at fault. Don't be afraid to talk to her directly; not yell, talk. Tell her how you feel. Tell her what has been going on in your head for these years; and tell her what she means to you. Tell her that you will do anything to prove you are innocent of cheating. Heck , offer to take a lie-detector test, or go on the Dr. Phil show if she wants. It sounds corny, but when it is not just you two arguing, but you two and someone else, or a roomful of people, the problems become more clear very quickly.

    I hope things between you two work out. There are too many sad stories like this one in the world today; and children really do need the love and support and figures of two parents.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Is there anything that you used to do that you stopped doing once you had a child? She may be missing the times before your baby, when you would call her at work to say I love you, or bring her home a rose, or cook dinner for her, or rent a movie that she wanted to see but you would rather die than see, offering her a back massage, or just doing any small gestures...

    Maybe trying to do little things would help. You don't have to be intimate right away. Make her the centre of your world, but give her space too. Don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do, just make sure she knows that you still love her and care for her. Just be careful not to over do it, or she will think that you are cheating. Do one special thing a week for a long period of time so that there's something consistent that she can look at, and something that will make her smile when she thinks of the effort you went through to do it.

    Also, for some reason, maybe spend a lot of time with your baby. It will give her the oppourtunity to see how much you love and care for him as well, and enjoy spending time with him so she will feel less threatened and less like there's anything to worry about.

    Good luck! Counselling will help, but it won't be the full change.

  • 1 decade ago

    You know I was not going to reply but when I saw the answers you got I felt they were unfair and theses people obviously have not experienced life. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years and trust me we have had our ups and downs my husband has actually been abusive to me and I am still here anyway what you said touched me. If she will not listen to what you say and you truly do love her which it sounds like you do (we all make mistakes and Say things out of anger) write her something write to her telling her how sorry you are and that she is your soul mate if she still cannot take head just give her some space she may need more of it than you do and there is nothing wrong with that all you can to is be patient and understand her and when she is ready you will be there with open arms Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

    Source(s): Married for 9 1/2 years 13 weeks pregnant with fourth
  • 1 decade ago

    HAHAHA. Yes, you've had hardly any sex or intimacy with your wife for what, 3 years now? Can't you just back off for 5-10 more?

    I'd suggest divorce, but of course if you live in an area like me, you'll lose cusotdy of your child. So I'd cheat on her. Your wife is making it abundantly clear that she has no interest in having a true relationship with you.

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  • 1 decade ago

    well most moms after a new baby feel fat and ugly and thn if you guys were not having sex yes the thought of cheating start. i woudl start coming home and just kissing her deeply, show her attention, tell her hwo sexy you think she is, sit right beside her on the couch and just act like you cant keep your hands off of her. when she asks whats going on say, for the last 2 years you felt like shes been mad at you, but in all realty you find her even sexier for giving you the most beautiful son and it has just shown you how much more beuatiful and stonrg she really is.

    Good luck!!

  • 1 decade ago

    Counseling for sure :) Good luck! By the way, I would try really hard to be a good dad and through the son show her how much you love both her and him.

  • 1 decade ago

    I don't think you are being a jerk at all. I think you just want your wife back. Depression is very tricky and plays games with the person's mind. You need to work hard on how you relate to her and gain her trust back in time before she can open herself to you.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Jeez, how do people live in such angry households? I can't even imagine living like that. Ask her if she wants a divorce and see if that 'shakes' her up a little. Both of you all sound like real prizes.

  • 1 decade ago

    wow I hope that I never go through this but I know my husband will treat me well unlike what it seems you have done and then you did not back off. Give the woman some space!

  • People who are always accusing other of cheating in many cases are cheating themsleves and just projecting on their S/O!

    Just something to think about....

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