Reasons people don't report domestic violence?

I'm speaking to high school students on domestic violence and I'd like some input from women and/or men who have experienced domestic violence and reasons they did not tell someone at first, or didn't tell anyone ever. Please do not respond if you have not experienced some form of abuse by an intimate partner. And if you have and was afraid to tell someone about it, tell me why and if looking back on it, you wish you had let someone know sooner. Thanks!

6 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favourite answer

    A big reason is obviously fear of how their partner will react. Another reason, possibly the most common, is that they have this false sense of hope that things will change and turn around for the better. They believe the abuse is caused by a flaw in the relationship that could simply be worked out between the two of them. They don't see it as, or at least don't want to believe it to be, a serious problem with the abuser. It'll even get to the point where the person being abused feels responsibility for the abuse. Many will think, "why else would he/she be treating me like this if there weren't something wrong with me?". We always want to give people the benefit of the doubt, so it's common to take responsibility for issues when you're dealing with somebody you really care about. Commonly the abuser will use the "good boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse" tactic to keep their partner from leaving. They'll put on the "I'm sorry.. blah blah blah" act, so that their partner will feel a sense of hope that things will be better eventually. "Obviously he/she loves me and is just having a really hard time changing." That's simply a tactic they use to be able to continue with the abuse. There are many other reasons for not calling on domestic violence right away or at all, but this is a extremely pervasive one. Of course pride is a big one, as well. If you're to call out on domestic abuse, you may feel others will see you as weak or stupid to have put up with it in the first place. They themselves wonder why they stayed for as long as they did, so that will often lead them to stay put. It's a self-defeating cycle. If you'd like more information or need to clear anything up, contact me.


  • 1 decade ago


    I have suffered from domestic violence.

    With me l suppose it started as a child, my father hit me when l was naughty and l suppose looking back he emotionally abused me.

    Anyway most of the relationships l have been in have been abusive and l wonder if l am following a pattern, like l have always known it and as it happened to me as a child there is abit of my brain that thinks it is 'normal' obviously l know it is not normal behaviour!

    l really dont know why l didnt and dont tell anyone, l feel pretty useless afterwards, the abuser somehow convinces you that it is your fault, something that you have done, my ex said that 'l made him like that and it was my fault'

    When someone says something to you day in and day out in the end you believe it and my it is so hard to get it out of your head!

    l am a strong person and l feel after all these years of abuse that l dont trust men one bit, at one point l would look at a man, say l was standing in the queue in the supermarket and l would think 'l bet you hit your partner'

    Alot of women l know have been hit by there partners and they all keep it a secret...

  • 1 decade ago

    You have to remember that back in the era before the nineties there was no "dometic violence" awareness. Today there is, so children have a choice either they keep quiet so their parents don't get in trouble or they are simply afraid of the consequences if they did say something to someone outside the family.

    Back in the old days it was kept secret,today it's different.

  • Bob W
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    My wife worked at a shelter for abused women. The women nearly always went back to the abuser...go figure?

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  • diablo
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    I was 19yrs. old when I met my abuser. A year earlier I lost a child at 8mths. pregnant. It was the worst experience ever. I felt horrible, and couldn't stop blamming myself. When I met Alan he helped me realize that it wasn't my fault, and he really helped lift my spirits. Everything was going great. I heard rumors of his abuse towards one of his ex-girlfriends, but had not experienced it myself. I thought maybe he had changed for the better. I was wrong. We had been dating for about 3mths, and decided to join some friends at a party. I was having a really good time; talking with people I hadn't seen in awhile, when I was talking to one of my guy friends Alan approched us, and threatend my friend. I was shocked, and embarassed. I went outside, and he was hot on my heels; before I knew it he hit me from behind knocking me down. At first I got really pissed, and I could see the anger in his eyes. Things started getting really bad after that night. The abuse got more frquent, and more violent. I think the main reason I stayed was, because I thought it was what I deserved for losing my child. All that pain came back twice fold. At one point I did try calling the police, but as soon as they left he came back even more pissed, and threatended to kill me. He told me if I tried to leave him he would kill my mom, and my dog. I stayed, and the abuse got even worse. If I looked at another man I got slapped, life was becomming unbarable. I tried to leave, and hide at a friends house but he found me. This time he took me to the desert, and held a gun to my head the whole time he was yelling at me, and saying he was going to kill me. He left me to walk home bare foot instead. This time I had enough. I finally was able to escape him, instead of going home I hide at a friends house again, and this time he couldn't find me, even though I heard he was trying. I made sure my mom, and dog were safe. I stayed away from them for about a month. That's when I got word that he had started dating a girl I went to school with. Unfortunatly my effort to warn her went unheard. He ended up killing her, and himself a couple months later. If any man tried to raise there hand towards me; after what I went through they have another thing comming. The reasons we stay are always different, but it's usally due to low self esteem, or a severe loss of some kind. There famous words are I'm sorry; it will never happen again, and then they buy you gfts. They try to regain your trust for the next beating. All I can say is get out while you can, there are to many of us that wind up dead because we think they love us.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Scared if they reported it that the spouse would get even more mad and hurt them alot worse, if children were invloved and the spouse threaten to hurt or take away the children if they told.

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