I started a book, is it any good??

here's the story:

Niama paced out of the aircraft and onto the unfamiliar ground of Florida. Since Niama’s father, Dr. Derek Reid, lost his job at the Children’s Hospital in Oakland, California the Reid family has been forced to move to Miami, Florida.

Niama Reid is a thirteen year old brunette with the prettiest shade of green eyes. She loves to read, swim, and most of all dance. She doesn’t know a life with out dancing. Niama practices tap, jazz, and most importantly ballet. As a committed dancer the first thing she does when she moves in to her house on Jackson Street, is find a dance studio.

“Mom!” Yelled Niama as she ran downstairs. “Where is the box with all my stuff?! You sent Tyra’s box to my room.”

“Sorry honey, your box is in Tyra’s room.” Replied Niama’s mom, Christine. Tyra, was Niama’s ten year old sister. She had light brown hair that was always in a pony tail and big brown eyes. Tyra had no interest in dance at all, she was a sporty tom boy.

As Niama strutted to her sister’s unpacked room, she realized that she was in a new state, had no friends here, and had no place to dance. In the same instant the was on her Dell laptop finding dance studios in Miami. After at least an hour she found a strict dance academy, “Miami Academy of Performing Arts.”

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best answer

    I think your book has potential, but before sending if off to the publisher you will need to have some strict editing. You changed tenses at least twice, and your wording tended to be redundant. Remember to keep the reading interested by using vivid descriptions. Here is an example of what I mean:

    Your way:

    Niama paced out of the aircraft and onto the unfamiliar ground of Florida. Since Niama’s father, Dr. Derek Reid, lost his job at the Children’s Hospital in Oakland, California the Reid family has been forced to move to Miami, Florida.

    Niama Reid is a thirteen year old brunette with the prettiest shade of green eyes...

    A more reader friendly way:

    Niama climbed out of the aircraft and onto the unfamiliar ground of Florida. Since her father, Dr. Derek Reid, lost his job at the Children’s Hospital in Oakland, the Reid family has been forced to move to Miami.

    At thirteen years, the young brunette had striking eyes colored jungle green that boys could not help but notice...

    I hope that you continue with the story, it reminds me of some books I used to love in my tweeny days.

  • 1 decade ago

    i like it .. except for the word paced out of the aircraft, paced is not the right word for that sentence . and she goes from all of a sudden the airplane to the empty house. u gotta fill that stuff in with descriptions of the surroundings, some conversation between a kid n a stewardess or something .. then start a new paragraph with niama reid is 13 ..

    o and the last paragraph u kinda slacked off on the last couple sentences.

    here's what i did. i typed the page of a book the size of a book i want to write .. to see how many lines made up one page. on word at 12 font a full page makes 2 pages of a small paper back size book. guess it depends who ur sharing this story with.. good luck n god bless !!

    Source(s): meeeeee. =o*>
  • 1 decade ago

    i think the pace is moving to quickly... you need to slow down and add some descriptive language. Try and make it so that when it is read by someone they can see an image of the scene in their mind. Eg "The leaves in birch trees around the palace turned lemon and fell the ground as the dark winter nights closed in and Naruhito burned with unrequited love." (excerpt from "Princess Masako- Prisoner of the Crisanthenum Empire" Ben Hills).

    Your use of tense is confusing. It skips between past and present tense. Also your story seems to be verging on becoming very cliched teen coming of age style story. Does it have some wider social message?

  • 3 years ago

    whats up e book club Starters! Did you hit upon sturdy books yet? i will advise some classics (simply by fact in classics you somewhat don't have an age decrease). In technology fiction i'd commence out with Orson Scott Card's "Ender's recreation". this is large to make sure and has much to chat approximately: ethics, babies, exploitation, administration, and so on. the a number of ultimate adventure novels have been written via Louis L'Amour, commence with "The Lonesome Gods" or "The walking Drum", lower back plenty to talk approximately on the tip. the 1st actual western ever written is "The Virginian" via Owen Wister...awe-inspiring and wonderfully written, even people who hate westerns like this one. i do no longer understand any militia books. Irene

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  • 1 decade ago

    Yes you will grow up to be a very talented writer keep writing you sound young so keep it appealing to your young audience and stick with what you know about dance and your experiences their are lots of young authors coming up you just may become one of them good luck!

  • 1 decade ago

    the beginning is a should be fixed. because your talking about the girl then oh and the parents moved because blah blah, and the girl looks like this. i just didnt like the way its written at the beginning. but i would like to read more of it.

  • 1 decade ago

    seems a good book for a 12-13 yers old fashionable teen.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Your book sounds alright but you should cary on, what happens at MAPA?

  • 1 decade ago

    It good, but you give away too much info. But, I would read it.

  • 1 decade ago

    sounds good to me...i'd read it

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