There are no short cuts when it comes to grieving. What you are feeling is the Anger part of grieving. I found that talking to someone else who had gone through a similar tragedy, helped tremendously, it was no good to just to talk to anyone it seemed.
I had to go on tablets to help bridge a difficult few years,, however this doesn't help with dealing with the root of the problem, but i do believe that they helped me to function normally and gave me hope, even saved my life.
Unfortunately it may mean talking to your doctor which may mean multiple visits,, however it will be worth it!, what ever you do don't struggle on alone. I also searched the internet for a group/person that i could e-mail/talk to. And i did find someone...She let me put all my feelings down in my letters to her and she did with me. I don't know what i would have done without her. I haven't even met her. She had lost someone also.
Prepare yourself for the worst. Don't do anything stressful or deal with situations that might make you anxious, give yourself
a break from tuff stuff, (which might actually be easy stuff)...and keep away from the friends that might make you feel worse. Drinking is no answer but if it helps, do let people know your intentions and don't go walk about. Keep your family informed.
My husband also lost his best friend, he committed suicide. His wife managed to keep things together, and within a couple of years had found a husband and now has children and has at last found some-kind of happiness again. Unbelievable isn't it... but she deserves it. It doesn't mean you forget or shun them,,, but your girlfriend wouldn't want you to stay single forever... perhaps a long way off yet. Try to keep an open mind. Don't close yourself off from the world.
Do find that someone you can talk to, doctors are trained and often know them selves about deep loss. Depression is probably in there somewhere, which doesn't help, and with that, comes isolation, and the feeling of hopelessness, it feels like you are living in hell. And yet i still went around smiling. You will cope with this, we are stronger than we feel.
You will be happy or near to, once again. I am.
All the best my friend
I lost a brother of 17, our very good friend lost her husband of 28