I’m wading through skies of ruby and gold- the most expensive sky I’ve seen in a while.
In what sense is the narrator 'wading' through the sky? She is not, apparently, flying as birds are still above her. I guess at 'wading through clear water that reflects the colours of the sky'? but I have a...
Best answer: I’m wading through skies of ruby and gold- the most expensive sky I’ve seen in a while.
In what sense is the narrator 'wading' through the sky? She is not, apparently, flying as birds are still above her. I guess at 'wading through clear water that reflects the colours of the sky'? but I have a feeling I'm wrong. I like 'the most expensive sky...' though.
Unwonted big birds fly overhead, in colours much like emeralds and sapphires.
I know 'unwonted' means rare or unusual, but you can't apply it to these birds. You really can't. And the colours most like emeralds and sapphires are emerald and sapphire so "strange emerald and sapphire birds fly over head' would seem the simplest way of dealing with the birdies.
A mellifluous silence like a fog of nothingness is too obvious to ignore.
'Mellifluous' means sound that flows like honey - music or a voice. It really isn't a suitable word for 'silence. However you have this flowing honeyed silence which is also like a 'fog of nothingness' and impossible to ignore. If this means something like 'it was very quiet' then just say it was very quiet.
Although, someone’s been here before. I previously thought this planet was undiscovered, that I was the Christopher Columbus of this seemingly uncharted territory, but no. Something is different. I’m not new. And neither was Christopher Columbus.
You say someone's been here before you, and expand this over four sentences, without ever saying how you know, or how it makes you feel.
My eyes are drawn to a spire near the horizon- a cornucopia I desire to reach.
Right. Is it a spire (tall, slim, pointy) or a cornucopia - which must be quite large if you can see it all that way away, and literally means something made in the shape of a goat's horn overflowing with fruit, flowers etc. What makes her think the spire will be over flowing with anything?
And finally - you said in one of your comments that you are using a lot of description because this is a short story. If anyone has told you that short stories have to have a lot of description, thank them politely and ignore them. You have a whole paragraph in which nothing happens. There are hints that this is a strange planet, that the narrator thought she was the only person who knew about it, but there is a spire (or a cornucopia) on the horizon...but nothing has happened. Would anyone go on reading, for more helpings of skies being waded through and mellifluous silenced?
Not, I am afraid, this reader.
2 days ago