Your writing is thoughtful and descriptive, but the adjectives definitely get in the way. When I write, I often ask myself, "Is there a way I can say this without using an adjective?" The thing about adjectives is that you'd think they help readers visualize things better, but that's often not the...
Best answer: Your writing is thoughtful and descriptive, but the adjectives definitely get in the way. When I write, I often ask myself, "Is there a way I can say this without using an adjective?" The thing about adjectives is that you'd think they help readers visualize things better, but that's often not the case. Sometimes they're just distracting.
Take the words, "beautiful", "bright," "clear". Did you get a good picture of what I'm describing? Now consider the sentences: The wine glass lit up in the window. The bottom was sculpted so that the sunlight glinted across the diamond texture.
Now this is a bit flowery, but it gives a better image than say, "The wine glass was beautiful, clear, and bright in the sunlight." You may feel the need to emphasize that something is beautiful, bright, etc., but it's often not necessary. In fact, extra adjectives often cloud the picture. You want to get in the habit of cutting out unnecessary words. Consider if I had said: "The bright, beautiful wine glass sat lit up in the window. The bottom was sculpted so that the sunlight glinted across the clear diamond texture." The extra words are just really bogging the imagery down. They're not truly adding anything new to the description because the reader can already "see" those things without these words.
Anyway, the work you posted isn't really up to publishing standards yet. You need some work with toning down the adjectives, and I think you may want to play around with how you introduce the story. It's a very calm sort of introduction with some interesting background information, but ultimately that's probably not going to hook people into the story. Writers often want to immediately immerse their readers into the worlds and stories they've built, but that can kind of make for dry reading because so much is just... explanations and exposition. Which you actually did a pretty good job steering away from, but you could still work on this aspect some.
It definitely shows that you're not a novice writer. In general your dialogue, pacing, narration, etc. are decent. You did a nice job setting the tone of the scene and you have some strong characterization. I would recommend letting this draft sit for a few weeks to a few months (the longer, the better) so you can get a better feel of it yourself. Don't worry if it's not publishable yet.
I don't want to give you an age guess because that's really not how writing skills work. I student taught some sixth graders who wrote more eloquently than my classmates from my senior year of college. I *will* tell you that I think you've been writing for 4-8 years.
2 weeks ago