I am an incel, or at least that's come to be my opinion. It isn't actually a recognized condition, but take it from me- it's real. I've spent years working on my condition. I've read all the right books, I've taken on a better wardrobe, and I've taken up exercise and the occasional martial arts class. As a result I'm healthier and more attractive than I've ever been and the female population has taken notice. I even had to look up the definition of what svelte means so that I could understand a few of the complements I've been getting. Let me tell you, it's a good word when you grew up the fat kid, lol.
My point being that I'm not an unattractive guy who can't get girls. I do, and that is why the problem is currently at a head. I've had several occasions recently, and not-so-recently, that I've offended a female, confounded my male counterparts, and severely disappointed myself. I can handle women with ease socially; I can talk, flirt, and tease with the best of them, but I cannot go kino, as the pickup community might calls it (I told you, I read all the books- even the morally ambiguous ones lol). That is, I cannot bring myself to make physical contact.
Whenever I'm with a women, even when she has made it more or less clear that she wants me to touch her, I can't. Not unless she actually initiates contact herself or actually asks me flatly to initiate sexual contact. To put this into perspective, I recently spent the night watching movies with a girl. She rested on my arm for a while and at one point she asked me to feel her breasts (in a mildly sexual way). I did so in a way that satisfied her request but wouldn't escalate contact or transmit my sexual interest, which was strong. I sat the whole night by her side straining against a mental barrier that held me in check. Another story puts me in a girls bedroom, her surprising me with lingerie and a candle, and my icing the situation within moments despite being highly attracted to the girl.
I've called myself a coward, half a man, impotent, and asexual. My friends and family have started calling me gay, mostly in jest but I know there is some question there. I'd wonder myself if I didn't feel what I felt. I'm attracted to women, I just can't do anything about it.
I think it all stems from a traumatic childhood incident wherein I gave a girl a flower and she made a scene. I was 6 and had to change schools afterwards. Additionally, the one relationship I've ever been in ended very painfully, thereby double reinforcing that little voice screaming no (not an actual voice...not that crazy... yet)
So what is a guy to do? When all he wants is a little intimacy, and there are girls willing to give it to him, but all he can do it stand in terror? How does one overcome PTSD (post traumatic sex disorder, lol)? Please guys, I'm at the end of my rope here I really need some constructive advice. This condition has caused me extreme depression and I've developed a pattern of alienating friends rather than have them realize I have this condition, whatever you want to call it.