• You cannot pull the wool over this mothers eyes .?

    John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn;t help noticing how beautiful Johns roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more... show more
    John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn;t help noticing how beautiful Johns roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mother's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, Well, I doubt it, but I,ll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you ,did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum
    5 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 7 years ago
  • The Pyramids have stood the test of time.?

    The Pyramids have stood the test of time If civilisation came abruptly to an end What has man made in the last 100 yrs that could last up to 5000 yr
    The Pyramids have stood the test of time If civilisation came abruptly to an end What has man made in the last 100 yrs that could last up to 5000 yr
    4 answers · History · 8 years ago
  • Not PC but I find it funny how do you rate it ?

    Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the... show more
    Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts... "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my f#cking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some *ssh*le puts a swimming cap on me!"
    7 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 8 years ago
  • Funny but rude how do you rate it ?

    Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench. "Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed." "Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"... show more
    Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench. "Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed." "Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?" "Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces." "The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth." "Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?" "Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."
    10 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 8 years ago
  • Couple of clean ,silly jokes for the weekend?

    Three students doing a psychiatry lesson, the first student was asked "what’s the opposite of joy" she said "sorrow", the 2nd student was asked "what’s the opposite of depression" he said "happiness", then paddy was asked "what’s the opposite of woe" he replied "giddy up!" Mr Smith,... show more
    Three students doing a psychiatry lesson, the first student was asked "what’s the opposite of joy" she said "sorrow", the 2nd student was asked "what’s the opposite of depression" he said "happiness", then paddy was asked "what’s the opposite of woe" he replied "giddy up!" Mr Smith, your front room is similar to mine" he said, "How many rolls of wall paper did you buy?" "Nine" I said, He came back yesterday. "Mr Smith! I still have three rolls of wall paper left??" "So did I.,
    3 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 9 years ago
  • One of my Fav The Dwarf, The Horse & The Speech Impediment, funny but rude (be warned)?

    There was a dwarf with a speech impediment who wanted to buy a horse, The owner asks him, 'do you want a male horse or a female horse?' 'A female horth', the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nith horth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses... show more
    There was a dwarf with a speech impediment who wanted to buy a horse, The owner asks him, 'do you want a male horse or a female horse?' 'A female horth', the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nith horth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. 'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. 'Nith eerth' he says 'now, can I see her twot?' With this the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down.The dwarf shakes his head and says, 'maybe I should wefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound!
    6 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 10 years ago
  • A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile,a zoophile and a pyromaniac ( a little rude but funny )?

    A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and... show more
    A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."
    5 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 10 years ago
  • Couple of silly jokes?

    Paddy weighs 20st so his doctor puts him on a diet. I want you to eat regularly for 2 days then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks , you should lose 5 pounds. When Paddy returned he shocked the doctor by having lost 4 stone. That's amazing the doc said...Paddy nodded..... "I'll tell you bejesus I taut I was gonna drop dead by da... show more
    Paddy weighs 20st so his doctor puts him on a diet. I want you to eat regularly for 2 days then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks , you should lose 5 pounds. When Paddy returned he shocked the doctor by having lost 4 stone. That's amazing the doc said...Paddy nodded..... "I'll tell you bejesus I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day." What from hunger? said the doc No from all the bloody skipping Got in a black cab the other day, one of them blokes that just bangs on and on when you want a bit of peace and quiet!!! banging on about his life, his house, his family, his job! started saying that he is his own man, he is his own boss and he does not have to take orders from anyone!!!!! I said.........Take the next left!!! why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? so when they are on the train they can tell if they're on the way to work, or going home.
    13 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago
  • Silly but clean jokes?

    A man takes his dog to the vet. “My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he is cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”... show more
    A man takes his dog to the vet. “My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he is cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.” A Englishman has lost his wallet containing $2000. He shouts out if anyone finds my wallet I give them $500. A Scotsman shouts out I give you $700. A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “What is wrong with me? The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.” Patient:Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes. Nurse:Have you seen a doctor? Patient: No, just spots.
    35 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago
  • Yes it is sexist , but funny how do you rate it?

    Professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the... show more
    Professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
    17 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago
  • The wife,the stud & the towel,funny joke how do you rate it?

    An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire... show more
    An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
    19 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago
  • The Dwarf, The Horse & The Speech Impediment, funny but rude (be warned)?

    There was a dwarf with a speech impediment who wanted to buy a horse, The owner asks him, 'do you want a male horse or a female horse?' 'A female horth', the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nith horth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the... show more
    There was a dwarf with a speech impediment who wanted to buy a horse, The owner asks him, 'do you want a male horse or a female horse?' 'A female horth', the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nith horth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. 'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. 'Nith eerth' he says 'now, can I see her twot?' With this the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down.The dwarf shakes his head and says, 'maybe I should wefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound!
    21 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago
  • What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?

    Dunno they've never met
    Dunno they've never met
    4 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago
  • Just 3 more blonde jokes?

    While interviewing a beautiful, large breasted Texas blonde for a job, the employer decided to ask her a philosophical question. "If you could spend an evening talking to any person, living or dead, who would it be?" She enthusiastically responded, "The living one!" Q. What do you call a Blonde with two brain cells?... show more
    While interviewing a beautiful, large breasted Texas blonde for a job, the employer decided to ask her a philosophical question. "If you could spend an evening talking to any person, living or dead, who would it be?" She enthusiastically responded, "The living one!" Q. What do you call a Blonde with two brain cells? A Pregnant ! 3 blondes walking through the woods when they see some tracks. the first blonde says they are bear tracks. the second says no they are deer tracks. the third one says no they are rabbit tracks . Then the express train hit them ________________________________________
    10 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago
  • One way to lose weight?

    Paddy weighs 20st so his doctor puts him on a diet. I want you to eat regularly for 2 days then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks , you should lose 5 pounds. When Paddy returned he shocked the doctor by having lost 4 stone. That's amazing the doc said...Paddy nodded..... "I'll tell you bejesus I taut I was gonna drop dead by da... show more
    Paddy weighs 20st so his doctor puts him on a diet. I want you to eat regularly for 2 days then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks , you should lose 5 pounds. When Paddy returned he shocked the doctor by having lost 4 stone. That's amazing the doc said...Paddy nodded..... "I'll tell you bejesus I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day." What from hunger? said the doc No from all the fu**ing skipping
    12 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago
  • Yes its old ,yes its sexist but it is funny .how do you rate it?

    woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit... show more
    woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"
    9 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago
  • Only if you like a gamble?

    During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a... show more
    During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
    17 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago
  • Clean but funny how do you rate?

    Ive just been to the gym and I was on this awesome machine, I only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. Its very good as it's got Kitkats, Maltesers, Mars, Mini Cheddars and even crisps Harry Potter stories are so far fetched, I mean I can buy the fact that magic exists, maybe even unicorns but have you ever seen a ginger kid... show more
    Ive just been to the gym and I was on this awesome machine, I only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. Its very good as it's got Kitkats, Maltesers, Mars, Mini Cheddars and even crisps Harry Potter stories are so far fetched, I mean I can buy the fact that magic exists, maybe even unicorns but have you ever seen a ginger kid with 2 mates?!
    9 answers · Jokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago
  • Clean but funny how do you rate?

    Ive just been to the gym and I was on this awesome machine, I only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. Its very good as it's got Kitkats, Maltesers, Mars, Mini Cheddars and even crisps Harry Potter stories are so far fetched, I mean I can buy the fact that magic exists, maybe even unicorns but have you ever seen a ginger kid... show more
    Ive just been to the gym and I was on this awesome machine, I only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. Its very good as it's got Kitkats, Maltesers, Mars, Mini Cheddars and even crisps Harry Potter stories are so far fetched, I mean I can buy the fact that magic exists, maybe even unicorns but have you ever seen a ginger kid with 2 mates?!
    2 answers · Polls & Surveys · 1 decade ago