Hey : )
I have hated how I look since I was 14, To be precise I hate my eyes and the colour they are.
I was diagnosed with BDD aged 16, then told I didn't have BDD, then I did , then I didn't, after a year or so I got told I just have low self esteem, My current diagnosis (by current I mean 2/3 years ago lol) is 'believed to be suffering with body dysmorphia'.
I also hated/hate my hair + skin too, which I've tried to sort for years, using prescribed gels and antibiotics fo rmy skin all to no avail, I don;t use harsh chemicla son my skin, hardly ever wear face makeup, have radicaly changed my diet to an Ovo - Lacto one, and I excercise as much as possible, I don't smoke and hardly drink. My Gp's say "It's not that bad" though a dermatologist I paid to see privately (as my gp refused to refer me) said I have teenage skin? prescribed me gel that I've used for 8/9 months, which has made hardly any improvement, and told me it will get better in time, though I am 21 and have had bad skin since aged 16?.
Any - who, I noticed a long time ago that If I just had a problem with my eyes I should be able to wear sunglasses instead of a snood I have hidden under for almost three years now :/ only thing stopping me would be my bad skin & hair, so I tried this years ago and I still felt immensley ugly!
A few days ago I tried to wear sunglasses again to see if I'd look okay, suprise suprise I still didn't, and then it clicked Maybe my whole face is ugly too? not just my eyes : ( I started looking in detail at my Jaw and how undefined it is and thought maybe that was adding to my ugliness. I have been majorly depressed for days now crying for hours and in excruciating emotional pain, that I used to feel when I was suicidal between the age of 16 - 18 and a half.
I only stopped being suicidal because I manged to find colour contact lenses,(should have mentioned that in the beggining sorry) no therapy or meds helped me neither did inpatient stays at young adult psych units. A physical change was what was needed to keep me here, and I thought I'd be okay with changing just my eye colour, but in my heart of hearts I knew I was/am still ugly, but that was better than being ugly + suicidal. So I am thankfull that the lenses worked!, I just want to be made not ugly? so I can live my life.
I Never wanted to conisder it, But now Cosmetic surgery seems the way to go, even though I could end up looking weirder or the surgeon may tell me I'm 'too ugly' for him to fix and I can never look pretty. (feel like death if that was the case) I keep thinking about having a consultation with a surgeon who can tell me why I am so ugly, because people who have seen my face tell me I'm not, so though I don't want to hear it maybe if a surgeon provides evidence that I am ugly because of this this and so on .... Then maybe people will help me alter what I hate physicaly rather than tell me it's all in my head and force therapy on me that doesn't work!
The worst outcome owuld be a surgeon telling me I am ugly, and there's no way of fixing it : ( then I'd feel hopeless, but If I don't take the risk I'll never know..You only live once! And I want to live not just exist and feel extreme pain about how I look anymore gone on for far too long!. I haven't taken a photo of my face in 5 years, but I took one recently with sunglasses on mainly with the camera angle focused on my Jaw.
Can anyone else see how ugly I am and how weird and undefined my Jaw looks, do you think If I had it changed and more square and defined that it would look better.
my cousin has a normal Jawline? as in I see a lot of people day to day with a similar jaw line, so to me mines abnormal.