My mom and dad divorced when I was about two. According to my mom, he was an alcoholic, cheated on her with another woman and was consistently dating her while they were married. When my mom found out, he struck her across the face and that is when my mom apparently filed for divorce. Then, there was a court date, which he was late to. The judge didn't like this and said that he would have to come back another time or something. So, my mom told me that he got mad at this and threatened to kill the judge. This didn't go over well because she was pregnant at the time. So according to her story he lost visitation rights to me and my sister (I'm now 18 and she is 20) and i have no memory of him. To add to this, my dad also stated (according to my mom) that he would kill her if she ever got re-married. A few years ago, my mom got a letter from my dads girlfriend. It basically said that he was a great guy and that he loved his kids and cried when his girlfriends kids graduated high school because he wouldn't be there for his actual kids graduation. However the letter said that she did not know why he had lost visitation rights to his kids. I used to say a lot that I wanted to see my dad, but my mom told me that if I went to seek him out that the girlfriend would learn of all the things he did in his past and get mad and kill my mom. This put me in a tough position because first, I couldn't see my dad because there was a court order forbidding it, and second (now that I'm 18) if I seek him out and disrupt his life/girlfriend that he will come back and kill my mom. (also my mom recently commented that she did not renew the restraining order/visitation restriction in years, so i thought that was kind of fishy) I think these threats were drunken nonsense to be honest and now that I'm 18 there is a part of me that wants to see my dad while I'm still young. I want to because a lot of stuff on the internet says kids can develop problems and anxieties from never knowing / hating a father. I've talked about it with my mom multiple times but it's always the same response. She gets very emotional and starts crying and fearing for her life and saying how it will be a long and complicated process that I won't be ready to handle. I don't feel this way. Also my dads family sends holiday cards every year, according to my mom, but i never see them. For my 18th birthday, I got a card from my dads parents that said something like "happy birthday love grammy and grampy". It was the first contact I ever had with my dads half of the family and it was barely anything, or any words from my dad. At this point i feel tortured, I used to rage and hate my dad for what he did or why he didn't care enough to contact us, I feel he just tried to kick his past under the rug and start a new life. At the same time I didn't want to seek him out and force him to love me because I would look weak, I wanted it to come from him, I wanted an apology, I wanted a dad. But i realized anger wouldn't solve anything, I got into sports, working out, healthy living, and positive thinking and its helped. My uncle also tries his best to keep in touch once and a while. I know I've told a very long story but I just wanted to provide a background. I've seen two family therapists because i had bad behavior that my mom was convinced was a symptom of lymes disease even though I tested negative for it. My mom couldn't understand that my anger and acting out came from not having a dad, and I couldn't either until I got older and researched it my self, then I identified my issues and how to fix them, now we get along better and I've talked about the father issues with the therapists and they have always offered to help me find my dad, but when it came down to it i could never say confidently whether I wanted to see my father, or leave him behind forever. I'm writing this now to see if anyone here can give me some advice or recommend if I should seek out my father, and should I do it alone, or with my mom and sister? last time I checked with my sister she wants nothing to do with him, and my mom is emotionally wrecked over the situation. right now my gut tells me to go it alone, write back my dads parents and try to set up a meeting with just him and my dad to figure things out here and now while I'm still young. But at the same time every time we get into the whole father issue i get kind of depressed, like its easier just to keep him out of mind, but he always comes up again and I get the same feelings of wanting to know the whole story and who my dad is and if he's a good person. what do you guys think?