My husband has betrayed my trust a few times. What can i do to get the trust back?

Question

My husband has betrayed my trust a few times over the years by doing stuff that i've asked him not to or by going off with other women etc. Our marriage is really on the rocks and if something doesn't give really soon then we are going to separate. I've tried to get over it all and i've tried to start trusting him but i can't. What could i do to get trust in him again?

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Voters

If he has habitually broken your trust over the years, repeatedly, it will not be easily overcome. It appears he does not want your trust, nor care that he doesn't have it. You care, and want to trust, but apparently, he doesn't deserve your trust. Trust is earned....he is not willing to do that. Sorry, but that's just the way it is.

Answer 2

It's certainly not easy, but I don't hear you saying that he is doing much to earn it back.
I think that's a huge part of it--if you saw the behavior truly changing, and an attitude that he was willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage, it might go a long way toward helping you want to hang in there.

You could probably benefit from some marriage counseling, and I would also recommend that you set some really strong boundaries and expectations for him. If he isn't willing to get on a real short leash and like it, things aren't going to change.

Answer 3

If he is "off with other women" you really have little choice.
If you wish to stay together, I believe , you should insist that this behavior stop immediately, That you get a a real promise that he will not do it again and that he will agree to a divorce with no fight, leaving all the marital assets with you if he does.
Mostly it will require his remorse. Less that you are fighting a losing battle.

His response to this request will prove one way or the other if he wants to stay together.
On the last item, I would insist on a contract, sort of a post nuptial, in writing with signature.
Any reluctance on his part to this would indicate he is not committed to your marriage.

His agreement will form a basis for continuing with your relationship.

As for trust, TRUST takes years to build and a moment to lose. You are at square one again. Without a basis for rebuilding your relationship trust will never be rebuilt.
Lay the ground rules, get some agreement that he hurt you and is SORRY and move on with your relationship with the knowledge that trust takes a long time to get back.

Get this stuff in place or move him out. Without some significant remorse over other woman I fear you are wasting your time with this one.
Sorry.

Answer 4

There is not much you yourself can do it will take time to gain that trust back he will have to be the one to make you gain that trust back by his actions. I myself have been in similar situation and there is nothing that I did not ask or say to him for him not to do it again it has to come from within him to want to stop. He will have to show you that he can be trusted. I myself just gave him the benefit of the doubt and so far so good but who knows what he really his doing. Its within you to know if you can handle another situation if it does happen again. You can talk and ask adn plea till you're blue he is the one to have stop if not then the ball is in your court and you will have to make that decision of staying or going. If you feel he loves you and that he has a problem than you should probably work at it. if it looks more like he is out there doing his thing and not caring then i suggest you drop him like a bad habbit

Answer 5

The person who has been untrustworthy in the past, needs to be the one who makes double the effort in proving themselves now trustworthy. They need to own their responsibility that has made this situation what it is today. If they truly are sorry and want to make the relationship right and are going to change their behavior, they would be more than willing to demonstrate that they are now acting appropriately. Once someone has been untrustworthy, they now must earn back trust. It is not just granted to them because they are sorry. It doesn't work that way.

If your husband has been untrust worthy more than once, you have every right not to trust him and be wary of his behavior. You really need to ask yourself how many times are you really going to let someone betray you before you realize that this is who they are- someone who can not be trusted. Talk is cheap. Words mean nothing. A person shows you who they are by their actions. A person shows you how they feel about you by their actions. You need to believe what you see.

I wish you the best.

Answer 6

When someone cheats it is nearly impossible to ever fully trust that person again. You will be the one he resents for it because if he does truly change, you're still going to be harping on him (rightfully so) and he'll make you to be the bad person and want to get out of the relationship.

There should always be consequences for cheating spouses which is divorce! He not only cheated on you, but your children too if you have children. This will always be at the back of your mind even if you don't let him know you're not trusting him. And it's up to you if you feel you can live with it. It's not fair for you to have to live with it though. He's not lost anything over this, but you have and are still going to for many years to come.

Answer 7

Never. All you can do now is to accept his imperfections and learn to live with it, or, you can always let go, which is the last option that I will take. But sometimes, love sees beyond these imperfections, and despite the pain, you tend to hold on, too afraid to let go of the person who has betrayed your trust, because of one simple reason, you love him despite everything. Hope you make the right decision.

Answer 8

In my opinion, it's not what you can do it's what he needs to do. He was the one that betrayed you and needs to work on mending the ties that bind you together as a couple. Trust is hard to regain once it has been broken but with time and a lot of work it can be mended, but he's the one who has to do the mending. You didn't do anything. He's the one who broke the relationship. Keep the communication open and in time the wound will heal, but only if he's willing to work at it. If not, then the scar of the mistrust will never go away. It's up to him!

Answer 9

He should be begging you for forgiveness for his weakness and selfishness not blaming you.

What can he do to earn your trust is the question.

There are other far more serious reasons why he doesn't respect you enough to be faithful and is conceited enough to want to carry on that way. You need to identify what's wrong with him (not you) that he can't respect you and find out if he can change.

On no account consider having children with this man and til you have successfully resolved this issue to your satisfaction.

Answer 10

Ok, first off you don't need to do anything for you to trust him again. he is the one who needs to win back your trust.

To do this he needs to be open and honest all the time. he needs to allow you to read his emails, and check up on him. The only reason he would not want this is because he has something to hide.

When you aren't doing anything you need to hide, having your husband or wife go through your things or emails is really not a big deal. Sometimes this is required for piece of mind and if he is not willing to do this he is not willing to be honest.

Stop blaming yourself and expect him to make you trust him again.

On the same note, if a guy is not getting it at home he will find it somewhere else. make sure his needs are met at home. cheating and lack of sex are just symptoms of other issues that need work. get counseling.

Answer 11

You could have your memory wiped.
Seriously, why do you want to trust him again? He is not trustworthy. You cannot and should not put your trust in someone who cannot be trusted - it's just dumb. It's like hitching a ride with a known psychopath or lending money to a known con artist. Why would anyone do that? Why don't you ditch the cheat and find an honest bloke? And please don't tell me you love him, or I'll have to conclude you're a masochist who thinks that secretly she doesn't deserve respect from any man.

Answer 12

My husband did the same thing to me just a little over four weeks ago. Although you cannot MAKE yourself trust him, you can forgive him. It only happened to me once...which is still once too many...but I gave him a second chance. You have to find it within yourself and take it day by day. What you cannot do is hold it over his head or keep bringing it up. Communication is key and if you have concerns, then very well express them. My husband doesn't believe that when I say I want to put forth all my trust, but I have started by not second guessing him and we sort of have "guidelines" that he must follow...(i.e. not going out to bars without me, being home directly after work) If your husband isn't willing to allow you the time, then I'm afraid it may not be salvageable.. Best wishes for you hon...I hope you and your hubby can work through this TOGETHER!!

Answer 13

Why do women always try to fix a problem they haven't created? There is nothing you can do. He has to do it. If he is interested in regaining your trust, he will have to prove he deserves it.

Sadly, if you have continued to allow this kind of disrespect, he will probably continue to act a fool. Leaving him might be the best thing you could do, for yourself. Good Luck in whatever you choose.

Answer 14

My wife did the same thing to me. I decided to take the stance of "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." Right now, you really shouldn't trust him. He's broken your trust and if you decide to trust him again, it's your fault that you get hurt by what he does. He needs to earn your trust back and prove that you can trust him and the first step is counseling.

Answer 15

honestly the only way you are going to start trusting him again is with time, you can't convince yourself you can trust him if he keeps giving you reasons not too, maybe you two should try marriage counseling or a trial separation there is something wrong and until you figure it out things are going to continue to be on the rocks
good luck :-)

Answer 16

NO NO NO.

What do you mean what can YOU do????

Dont you mean what can HE do to get your trust back?

You can do one of two things.
1) Leave him
OR
2) Put up with him

You know what he's like and if he's now said its up to YOU to find a way to kid yourself and pretend he's not up to his usual tricks or you have to go, then you know he will NEVER be trustworthy.

I'd get the heck out of there if I was you......

Answer 17

DUMP HIM!
It's not you who should be working on retrusting him, he is the one who should be crauling to gain half the trust he once had. Shame on him, i wouldn't forgive such a cheater.
and no trusting him won't come with time and yes there will always be that possibility of being in the process of hurt and betrayal.
and you know what they say.. once a cheater...
you only got one heart, blimy woman, he's not worth it!
Good luck!

Answer 18

talk to him, tell him that if he is not going to stop these games, your leaving him. your not blackmailng him, but , you want what is best for both, for sure he is the one who's gonna loose you at the end, your giving him more than 1 chance, your toooo patient. if I were you I would sac him from the 2nd time he betray my trust. Both of you are mature and wise enough, so try to make an end for all this childish attitude.
Good luck.

Answer 19

Time will heal my dear - there's really nothing physically you can do to change your mind out trusting him - it's all mental - you have to build the trust up again and like i said in the beginning, only time will help you through that - one day at a time works best!

Answer 20

The only thing you can do is move on unless he gives you back ..what he took from you ... What made you trust him in the first place?? What security did you have when you trusted him ... Find those things about what you needed , see if he can fix it . Then if he don't move on!! Trust is earned and he broke it . Its up to him to fix it! REALIZE THIS ..unless you want to be the doormat his feet get wiped on !

Answer 21

It's not a case of what 'you' can do, but what 'he' can do to regain your trust.

You need to decide if you are willing to work at this, and he has to be 100% honest with you too. He has to show that he can be trusted.

Once trust has been broken, it's one of the hardest things to get back.

Answer 22

No trust no marriage...You will never be able to trust him, he has done wrong more than once...If you want to stay with him you need to totally get what was done out of your head, if you cant do that and a normal person wouldn't be able to, then you need to separate.

Answer 23

Sorry to say this sweetie but i'm not so sure you can get the trust back ... only you know how you feel!
Have you forgiven him for what he did? if not then mayb it's a good idea to call it a day if you have then .....umm.....well i just don't know how to answer so sorry sweetie hope you find your inner peace with this keep smlling

Answer 24

He has betrayed you how many times, and are you crazy to think he will ever change.i say forget about his crap, and move on, you deserve someone who will understand the real meaning behind a marriage,not a flightier that you have know.

Answer 25

The better question is what can HE do? No matter how hard you try, you cannot trust a man who continues to be untrustworthy. Bottom line: if he truly loves you, he'll figure out a way to deserve your trust.

Answer 26

the only thing you can do is wait, trust has to be earned so basically you cant do anything at all about it, its what he needs to do, ie gain your trust.

Answer 27

If you really love him, all I can tell you is time...

But he needs to do his part on not screwing up while you are working through it yourself.

Trust is earned, not just given.

Answer 28

There is nothing you can do, it is up to him to earn your trust by being more respectful of you.

Answer 29

there`s really nothing you can do its up to him to earn your trust just giving it to him is setting your self up to be hurt again

Answer 30

You fool yourself into trusting him again... and again... and again... and again..................

Answer 31

The reason you have posted this is desperation.

WHY SHOULD YOU EVER TRUST HIM AGAIN, AND WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO? ARE YOU A MASOCHIST?